Thursday, February 5, 2009

8 weeks.

so i'm in my 8th week.

this is the week that the first baby stopped growing.

i'm trying not to stress, but as someone on a miscarriage and pregnancy loss message board said..."once you lose a baby, your innocence is gone." pregnancy isn't all excitement and fun. it's tarnished with worry and fear.

every little feeling is analyzed and stressed about. "is that normal?" "should i be feeling this way? or that?" "i just have to wait it out, there is nothing i can do." "this is going to be a long 9 months."

james and i talked a little bit about it last night. i finally dusted off one of my books and cracked it open. well, guess what week 8 was all about. miscarriages. lovely.

james said he really wishes someone would have told us the first time how often they can occur. he said he would have felt more prepared.

i don't think you can ever prepare for something like that. i cannot even begin to explain all the thoughts that go through your head, all the feelings you experience after a loss of a baby. it is unreal.

most of those thoughts were magnified when we were at the hospital before my surgery. i just sat there so mad. like "how could this happen?" "if it hasn't fully happened yet isn't there something someone can do?" "don't they care?!" "what did i do that caused this." "i should have protected it better, it was in my body, i failed."

as much as i know that there is nothing i could have done, it just weighs on you. you are the parent and you should do everything possible to protect your baby. i hate feeling helpless.

my big fear is that since we had a missed miscarriage last time. we'll never know if something is wrong. i had no clue the last time. no hint of anything being wrong.

just walked into that 12 week appointment. happy to be almost out of the first trimester, looking forward to hearing the heartbeat. then our world came crashing down.

this is another reason why i don't think i can breathe easy until the next appointment. it's at 12 weeks. hoping we have better news this time around. james will surely be by my side this time.

i know the chances of a miscarriage go down once you see the heartbeat. thankfully we got to this time at 6 weeks, but i still fear this week and the 12th week.

it seems i always think "if we could just get past this point." then it comes and goes, and it's on to the next thing. "if we get past that week...then i'll feel good." i wonder how long that will last. the whole time? it's going to be a long 9 months.

so we pray. that's all we can do. it's not up to us. we need to remember that.


vande2 said...

You will never stop worrying about your children. From the moment you find out you are expecting until...forever, they're your responsibility, and one worry passes only to give way to another. It just comes with the job. :) Know that what you're feeling is completely normal, and expected. I know how it feels to not fully enjoy being pregnant because of the worry, and you just have to somehow find the strength to let it go and let God handle it. One day at a time. :) Love you.

momv said...

shel you make me cry... i wish i could have words for you to make it easier, i have nothing more than what tammy said, know that whatever happens you have your faith to get you through, try and put it in HIS hands...remember when you gave me a hard time about feeling your belly when you were not even showing? when i was talking to the baby and you thought i was crazy!?!? i am so glad i did:) i love you mom <>< +

J Yo said...

You don't know me, but I found your blog through Christie's.

I miscarried this summer at about 8 or so weeks and am now 23 weeks preg with my second baby. What was so encouraging to me was to think that my babies (I've actually lost 2 so far) never knew any pain or sadness...they're safely tucked away in Heaven where everything is perfect! And I get to meet them one day! What a special day that will be.

Keep on trusting, praying, and expecting the BEST and God will meet you where you're at for every hard thing. Just wait for'll need Him LOTS then, too. :)

Anonymous said...

Tammy is right...the worry never goes away, not even after the first nine months. We had worries and fears, too, after having such a difficult time getting pregnant; we often had the thoughts of whether or not I would be able to sustain the pregnancies. Only God knows what is in store for you and your little one. It's hard, but try to enjoy all of the little milestones that you reach with this new little miracle that God has given you. We love you.
Alyssa and boys :)

danny and courtney said...

No one can say anything any better than what has already been said. you have great friends and family by your side no matter what, everyone can see that. i'll be keeping you in my thoughts everyday!

Anonymous said...

You will love your baby from the start until forever. You will never stop worrying or loving your baby regardless of how long you have them. Everyone is here for a different amount of time and for a different reason.I know its hard but love your baby and quit stressing. God has a plan. Love, Kimm

krista/ralf said...

love you.

Mo said...

I don't have anything special to add, I just wanted you to know that I"m thinking about ya.

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