Thursday, May 28, 2009


i updated the nursery page in the bean link.

scroll all the way to the bottom to see the mobile i made.

completely free with all materials i had around the house.

thanks to crystal for my bird wind chime that was the inspiration.

this was my first attempt, i might change it before miss bean arrives, but i love it!

okay...let's see.

i'll try to catch you up on what we've been doing.

james finished the season of softball with our church league. he enjoyed it, and i liked watching. these pics were from the second to last game. the last game brought a bit of rain, but we stuck it out.

james and ben. who we can now add another tag to his name, he's our old friend, pastor, and bean's Godfather!

monday we went to a memorial day service down in gainesville. james said in church on sunday that he should have worn his uniform, so he did on monday. there are a lot of old guys in church that were in the service, and they like talking to him about it. i know they would have liked to have seen him in uniform. maybe another day!

the service was at the cemetary, near the veteran's memorial. it was a great service. there were a ton of people there! they had a flag burning ceremony, speeches, 21 gun salute, taps, prayers, a special award for a marine that raised money and flew an iraqi girl to the states for medical help, changing of the guard, bagpipes playing amazing grace. it was all so touching.

the one speaker said something about if you do anything make sure you teach your children. i am so thankful that the pride my grandpa had was passed down to his kids, and they passed it down to us, who now get to share with our own children.

the cemetary was huge, and every place had flowers. it was a cool site to see. there was also a big pond with noah and the ark in the middle. there was a little grass path and animal statues all around. it was pretty neat!

after the service we went to the historical center and saw the freedom garden, some recorded interviews with vets, and a bunch of displays. all along the way people wanted to stop and talk to james, thank him, and just share their story.

everyone has one.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

big day for bean!

it's her v-day!

for those who don't frequent thebump, that basically means that she would have a good chance to survive outside the womb, and the doctors would do whatever they could to assure that. it's her viability day! feels like a big milestone.

james also told me that he felt her kick his back the other night!

ever since i started feeling her kicks i would put his hand on my belly to see if they were hard enough for him to feel. he never had, but the other night i was the big spoon and she was going crazy kicking him!

pretty neat!

it's so cool to see her kicks from the outside. makes it seem so much more real.

it's also getting hard not to refer to her by name on here, but we got to keep something a surprise. :)

24 weeks today, and still feeling good!

Monday, May 25, 2009


all the soldiers past and present.

we cannot thank you enough.

God's blessings wherever you are.

Saturday, May 23, 2009


eight months ago our whole world changed.

8 weeks later it all came crashing down.

tomorrow was our due date.

i’ll never forget the joy james and i shared as i came home that weekend in september, thinking our lives were going to change forever; him handing me a test, and the feelings that came a mere 3 minutes later. we were shocked and thrilled. this was all God’s plan. sure a little earlier than our own plan, but thinking back to when we first talked about children (you know, way back when we were still kids ourselves and had no business discussing such things) i just couldn’t believe it was finally here. we were going to be parents!

of course i dove into every pregnancy book written, even passed a few on to james. each sunday i’d read him the update of what was happening with our baby. it was precious time. time i never thought would end. little did we know what would come of that routine appointment in november, the only appointment james had to miss because of work.

it was just a normal appointment. my last one before i jumped into the second trimester. i was so happy to be in the safe zone. dr. french cheated and said “let’s just see if we can hear the heartbeat.” i replied, “okay, but don’t tell james!” still laughing and joking, unaware of what was about to happen.

no heartbeat, try another doppler, that ultrasound picture burned in my head, drive to the emergency ultrasound place, a quiet room, hearing the nurse say it over the phone, sending me back to my doctor, the news.

i was in awe that the baby stopped growing at 8 weeks, and here 4 weeks later, my body still didn’t recognize the loss. that baffled me. we had appointments in the between time and were clueless that anything was wrong.

afterwards, i remember sitting in the office, clutching my phone, hating that i just switched phones and this one wasn’t my razr. the one that kept me connected to him all throughout the deployment. the one i slept with every night for 15 months, our life line. (funny the things you think about in moments like that) i just wanted the security of my old phone, the security of my husband, who i couldn’t get a hold of, thanks to the mountains in georgia that obstruct any signal.

he had a competition that day, i was supposed to meet him at the finish line at 4pm. i had to be there, i didn’t want him to worry, and i just wanted to tell him in person. i waited until it was time to leave, calling other army wives, trying to figure out what to do. little did i know just how many people were trying to reach him too. i am so thankful for them. this life was all new to me, and i didn’t know who i needed to talk to, or what i needed to say, i just knew i needed james.

i still drove up to camp and by chance he saw my car on his way out. someone had gotten through to him, and he was coming home. i didn’t even have to tell him. he already knew.we just melted into each other's arms.

the next few hours and eventually days, were spent in the comfort of our bed, just curled up, holding each other, crying, in disbelief.

then came the guilt. "what did i do wrong. this was my body. i should have protected our baby better." it's so hard to jump out of those thoughts. too easy to blame yourself.

family came to be with us, drove here as fast as they could. it was nice to be around others, instead of in our quiet house. we tried to keep busy. driving around town, visiting a winery, but later getting upset because “i shouldn’t be drinking now. not for the next several months.” it was so hard knowing the baby was still there, but already gone.

another few days and we were at the hospital. they warned me that it would probably say “abortion” on the chart, since it hadn’t fully happened. once i saw that i just got so mad. i remember the few minutes before wheeling me back for surgery, i just couldn’t understand why they couldn’t do anything. didn’t anyone care, wasn’t there something that could be done? i knew the answer, but it was still hard to believe.

the blankets were so warm that day, james was by my side, and our old friend and new pastor came to sit with us. to sit and stay with james in the waiting room. it was nice to have someone there with a clearer head to say some prayers, and share some kind words. i am so thankful for that.

we were never alone.

james later said he wished someone would have told us from the beginning how often this happens. after we found out and shared with everyone it seemed like every other person could relate in some way or another. how can this happen so often? why does this happen so often?

someone once said the innocence of pregnancy is lost after a miscarriage. it’s true. when we got pregnant again, it wasn’t the same. sure we were happy and excited, but we were a bit more reserved. we didn’t want to get burned again. we were aware of what could happen.

it took a long time for me to get back into reading the books and getting excited each week about what is going on with bean. i was mad at myself for not giving bean a fair chance, but i couldn’t help but be worried. each time i go to the doctor, even now, it’s not filled with just excitement. i still fear “this is the week that they are going to give us bad news.” as many ultrasounds we have had, and all the times i’ve heard the heartbeat, i still get anxious. as we leave the doctor i think “okay, pregnant for at least a few more weeks!”

it’s such a sad thought. it makes me mad that i think that way, but i don’t know how not to. it’s like i won’t believe it’s real until we are holding bean in our arms. i’m afraid to get too excited.

it wasn’t until after we left our last ultrasound, and were reassured over and over that everything looked good that i finally had a bit of peace. i got a huge smile on my face, and these soft little kicks i’m feeling now are a nice reminder too. bean knows just what i need.

i am comforted by the fact that no matter where i go i have two little babies with me. when i flew down to texas, i was so scared to be by myself on the flight. that was a new and weird feeling. i’ve done this plenty of times, but this time was different. this time i had a bean to take care of. i just wanted to protect it. i guess that mothering instinct comes on pretty early. i caught myself looking down at my tattoo many times, and just saying a quick prayer. comfort.

while the situation is something i hope and pray we never have to experience again, it did a lot for our marriage. we were newlyweds, and that was a test that came way too quick. we grew even closer, and leaned on each other. it made me so thankful for our love.

so as we think about what could have been this day, we remember what was, that precious time with our baby, and what’s to come exactly one year after we found out we were pregnant, a new bean.

all the while…still singing “lullaby.”

Monday, May 18, 2009

easter candy in may...

really makes a pregnant lady happy.

the other day i was walking by jude's cage, looked across the room and spotted something that didn't belong on the shelf.

right behind my pink russian stacking dolls was a pink easter egg!

i stood there for a second and prayed "please let their be chicks and ducks in there." (you know, the amazing sweetart kind?)

i slowly walked over and opened it up. sure chick, one duck and one bunny (perfect for my ocd eating routine) and they were all red!

it's the little things.

i'd like to thank mr. and mrs. easter bunny (vandercar) for leaving the eggs, and emma, evia and levi for being too short to spot that one.

Friday, May 15, 2009


i was talking to someone recently and discussing how it's so weird to not be getting ready for a move.

i graduated college 4 years ago, and never really stopped the cycle of school years.

since graduation i lived in lowell (while i graduated), indy, a summer in seymour, texas, lafayette and now georgia.

the big moves always happened over the summer. i'd find a job in august or september and work until june or july.

it's so weird not to be getting ready for the next place.

especially now since i had been working for the last 5 weeks. today was my last day, and i had to remind myself that i'm not going anywhere.

just home.

it's a good feeling.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

not sure why...

the ultrasound page was messed up, i just realized it, and it should be fixed now!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

happy day!

miss bean, mid-yawn.
james has been gone since last sunday. this last week sucked without him here. i've become super paranoid being on my own. i have no idea how we did it for 15+ months. he has to leave again next week, but hopefully i will be going with him this time.

i wasn't expecting him back until thursday, but then he said tuesday. i thought it was this evening and that he was going to miss out on the follow up ultrasound today, but he surprised me in the waiting room. it was so wonderful!

he said he had to come prove me wrong, and see that bean is really a boy.

we had a different tech, and the second she put the thing on my belly she said "it's a girl! see the little hamburger there?" ha!

a few people told me to drink orange juice before i went. i downed a cold water, and then a bottle of oj on the drive over. must have helped because bean was quite active, and willing to show off all her parts. (this did not thrill james.)

we were there mainly to get a face shot, make sure she didn't have a cleft lip, and get a few measurements. since it was a different tech than last time, she said she wanted to check over the other parts, just to be sure. so we got all the measurements, and a few more pictures that i wasn't expecting!

she kept commenting on how long her fingers were! the last lady said she had big feet, so i think my wish for "one small girl, shorter than me" won't be coming true.

bean also weighs one pound now! awesome.

it was a very happy day!

there are more pics on the ultrasound page.
i think it's true that these pictures aren't as cool until it's your own kid. they always sort of creeped me out.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

bean's crib.

so i came home from texas and saw that james had put the crib together. i was so excited! also slightly bummed because i wasn't around to document it. so being the good husband he is (according to some friends) he willing took a section of it apart, at midnight, so i could get some pics. :)

i really think he just wanted to use his gerber again.

so here he is...future dad, getting the crib together.

a big thanks to nana and papa for gifting all our future babies with this great place to sleep. (at least we hope they sleep there!)

Monday, May 4, 2009

texas wedding.

finally, some pictures from my quick trip to texas.

kari and jason were married outside, under the cross at "crown of life" it was a beautiful ceremony! i loved all the personal details. the blue and green were so kari.

jason is in the air force and they currently are living apart. i know how that feels. hoping the next few months fly by for them!

out of our next step group, one of us married a marine, one an air force, and one an army boy. :)

the food! oh my goodness it was an all tex mex wedding. for appetizers they had a salsa, guacamole, dip bar. it was delicious! i could have spent all night at that bar.

i had mexican for all but one meal while i was there. (mmmm breakfast tacos) i miss good mexican.

in between the ceremony and reception we went over to tommy and laura's for drinks (shirley temple for me!) and dessert. it was good to be back! i miss bible study at their house. after 3 years it's still weird not to go there on thursday nights.

saw a few of my old students from lutheran at the wedding. oh the memories that came flooding back. especially the one of the boy who jumped out the window!

i got to stay with crystal and the barz's. it was so nice to see all of them! just wish i could have hung out for a bit longer, and gone to wildlife ranch with crystal and johanna. crystal is one of the sweetest people i know. she was the first one i met in texas, and i'm so thankful for her friendship!

hopefully i will see them all again soon! it had been way too long!

Saturday, May 2, 2009


months ago.

the processional. we were watching this the other night and james said "man! i didn't realize how good all your girls looked!" i was thinking the same thing. hotties!

i cannot get enough of evia and tate. precious!

joshua's team singing "turn! turn! turn!" by the byrds. this song was sung at my parent's wedding.

thanks to aunt nancy for the videos, and dad for getting them online!

Friday, May 1, 2009

mr. optimism.

last year james bought a mower off of craig's list. figured we don't have much grass anyway, and this would do. it was a murray rider born in the 70's.

it ended up needed a lot of fixing throughout the short months that we used it. all i know is james took many trips to a local small engine repair store, got a few things welded by a nice old man who sent him home with a watermelon, and had to drive it by pulling on a string, the entire time. (look closely for the yellow string in the second pic) it also had a nice "pop" when he turned it off. i laughed the first time i heard it because my parent's totally did that too.

so this season started. james had tried to get grass growing and was afraid to mow too soon. our weeds were getting pretty high, so he pulled out the mower. first trip out it gives him trouble. he's cursing, taking it apart, and getting frustrated with how spring started.

he decides he's not fighting with it anymore, back to craig's list it goes. (gets a few bucks out of it!) and we take a trip to lowe's. come home with a new baby. thanks to a nice military discount!

i tease him that he is quite optimistic about his grass growing! hopefully it will soon. in the meantime he enjoys riding this around, leaving a dust cloud, and attacking the weeds.

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