Tuesday, May 29, 2012

oh! fawn!

i posted this pic on my fb and said that there would be a story coming.

then life got in the way. i had 2 extra girls and they all needed to get to church for the first night of vbs.

so sorry for the delay.

my hands were full. :)

here is how i told the story. it's all true.

yesterday ma came and picked eliza up so i could work. i ran to town and when i was coming back to the apartment i pulled into the driveway a doe ran in front of me. right behind her was a fawn. she had to of JUST had him/her. it was so tiny! i've never seen a fawn THAT small.

i don't know if he was just learning how to walk, or just got scared, but when i pulled onto the gravel he fell down and cowered. you could see him hunch up like he was trying to hide. ears twitching waiting for me to pass.

his mama was on the other side of me, and i was cursing myself for not having my phone because i couldn't get a picture of him.

i thought "no one will believe just how tiny he was!" then i thought "dude, i totally don't have to pee on this stick i just bought. it HAS to be positive."

well, i did. and it was!

it was crazy! when ma took eliza i thought to myself "you are never going to get any work done unless you find out first." so i jumped in the car, ran to town and hurried home. praying the whole way. when i was on our road my thoughts floated and i was thinking about what we'd call this new bean of ours. pull into the driveway and "oh! fawn!"

so then i procrastinated more. made one banner, this one, not one for an order and ran to the house where james and my parents were working.

i wasn't going to tell them yet, but we've never waited, and we've also never been around them in person to tell them.

so after i showed james the stick, i told them the story.

then dad snapped this pic. totally our life right now. in the middle of constructing the house.

only after he took it did we realize he cut off the piece of durarock in just the right place. so it says ROCK (james' nickname) and "next gen"

a boy perhaps?! :P

either way, we are so excited. scared, but excited.

yes, it's early, but we don't ever regret sharing. i just hate how bad everyone feels after we have to untell them. so sorry, but hopefully it won't matter this time!

grow little fawn! grow!

Sunday, May 27, 2012

hands full update.

by day 3 she didn't even ask to watch a movie in the morning!

i bought an alarm clock, and i haven't taken my phone to bed. that's been the hardest, but i've been going to bed earlier instead of playing words with friends.

there have been a few times that i have walked out of the house and forgotten my phone all together. and didn't notice for awhile!

we spent the last few days outside and in the kiddie pool. it's been fun, and a nice kick off to the summer!

speaking of the summer, i just finished our summer bingo chart inspired by delia of delia creates. (i discovered her after losing our delia, and she is so fun. makes me smile. never knew another delia and now she's become one of my favorite bloggers!)

 i asked whit if the girls would be in on it too. so once i get these printed out, we'll get started!

if we get a bingo we'll go out for ice cream!

james said i should put "move into a new house" on there. that way eliza gets one that enola doesn't. he totally missed the point about us doing this TOGETHER!

you can find a template on her blog and fill in your own for summer hands full fun!

i added the year too, because i'm hoping we'll continue this each summer as they grow.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012


i remember posting eliza's in and out pics.

i so wish i could have done the same with delia.

i want new pics of her.

i wish i could see what she looks like now.

does she look like me and eliza?

did she favor daddy?

9 months ago we had to say goodbye.

we didn't even get that long with her here on earth.

as painful of a pregnancy as it was (physically and emotionally) i wish it could have lasted forever.

i had a dream a few nights ago that i was pregnant with her again.

i'll have to keep dreaming. 

i love when i dream of her.

keep visiting me delia, i want to watch you grow.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

hands full.

inspired by today's post.

instead of hands free, i'll have hands full.

random pics of what we do to make the most of these days.

there is a link on the right side.

that pic was taken when my hands (or arms) were full with delia. taken right before we said good bye.

i knew i wanted to use that pic, and when i pulled it up i had to laugh that my phone just happened to be in the background.

that moment it was playing music that i could sing along to. playing her songs, our songs.

today was a happier day. some of it spent outside at the new house aka "daddy's house"

eliza got to use her new watering can (thanks sarah!) and help me plant herbs that she (thanks james!) gave me for mother's day.

please leave a message...i'm living hands free.

i recently read this article and was inspired.

it opened my ears and made me finally listen to that voice that always nags me.

put down your phone. you don't need to be on the computer right now. another movie? play with her!

when she was new and we were living in georgia i put my laptop in the bedroom. i had read another blog about not wanting your kids to remember you with a laptop on your lap. i want her to remember me, how i made time to just be with her.

she spent most of her time in the living room, so i was aware of leaving her if i wanted to just hop on and check my email.

it was a good decision. it made me a better mom.

then we went to korea. the computer stayed in the bedroom, and for the most part we didn't have tv.

i'd turn on music and we'd spend all day just playing, learning, enjoying.

we let her watch a 1/2 hour of tv a day. usually when i was cooking dinner and needed her to not grab my legs while i'm standing at the stove.

then we moved home. got smartphones. still no tv, but we have movies. lots of movies. and now she is interested in them. loves them.

it was all too easy after we lost delia to just pop in a movie, and lay around feeling sad.

it became a habit. first thing she asks for when she wakes up is milk and a movie. it gives me time to catch up and wake up!

i want to change that. i know part of the problem is we don't have space here, or all her toys, but we should just get that more creative!

how is it that in korea, we could go days without leaving the apartment and it was fine. here we are out almost every day, but yet i still throw away the time at home with just her?

i'm also aware of my phone usage. in georgia i wanted a land line just because i missed that. not being able to be reached ALL THE TIME. if i don't answer an email, text, fb message asap i sometimes get another email, text, fb message just to see if i got the first one.

i don't want to be that available. to feel like i have to answer right away! it stresses me out.

i try not to use my phone when i am out with other people, just out of respect. i hate when ma answers her phone when i call and she says "i'm at dinner, bible study, the store checking out, can i call you back?" i always say "you didn't have to answer in the first place!" (love you ma!)

i should have that same respect for those i love the most, eliza and james.

so when we are out my phone will be off, or on silent. i'll try not to check my email at red lights. i'll just be.

when we are home i want to eat lunch with eliza. if james can't be home for dinner i want to still have dinner with just her. no phone.


my phone doesn't need to be under my pillow. even if i use it as an alarm clock. they have things for that. they are called alarm clocks. i need one.

i got a cord for my cell phone and i plan on mounting a cradle so i can hang it up at the new house. that way it will feel more like a land line.

(source madebygirl.blogspot.com)

i need to do this.

i need to break free and live hands free.

james will thank me. especially since he pays the bills. ;)

i'll need help though. it's an addiction. it'll be hard. baby steps.

and if i don't reply until after she goes to bed, or takes a nap, just be patient. we have living to do!

all i want in my hand is hers or his, and maybe a crayon or toy, and definitely a camera!

join me?

Sunday, May 13, 2012

mother's prayer for her daughter.

sometime last year i read tina fey's "bossy pants" and saw this prayer. it made me laugh and cry. had to share on mother's day! i bolded the sweeter part. and thank my own ma for doing that for me. i remember that moment, when eliza was a newbie. realizing just how much ma did, how deep that love is.

(my two girls...a completely different prayers said for each of them)

first, Lord: no tattoos. may neither chinese symbol for truth nor winnie-the-pooh holding the fsu logo stain her tender haunches.

may she be beautiful but not damaged, for it’s the damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the the beauty.

when the crystal meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half and stick with beer.

guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the nearby subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “hell drop,” “tower of torture,” or “the death spiral rock n’ zero g roll featuring aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

lead her away from acting but not all the way to finance.

something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes and not have to wear high heels.

what would that be, Lord? architecture? midwifery? golf course design? i’m asking You because if i knew, i’d be doing it, Youdammit.

may she play the drums to the fiery rhythm of her own heart with the sinewy strength of her own arms, so she need not lie with drummers.

grant her a rough patch from twelve to seventeen.

let her draw horses and be interested in barbies for much too long, for childhood is short — a tiger flower blooming. magenta for one day – and adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

o Lord, break the internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers and the online marketing campaign for rape hostel v: girls just wanna get stabbed.

and when she one day turns on me and calls me a bitch in front of hollister, give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, for i will not have that shit. i will not have it.

and should she choose to be a mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that i may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 a.m., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. 

"my mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. "my mother did this for me.” 

and the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a mental note to call me. 

and she will forget.

but i’ll know, because i peeped it with Your God eyes.


Thursday, May 10, 2012

last may 10th.

i was pregnant.

we were living in korea.

we were happy.

we didn't know she was a girl.

we didn't know the word anencephaly.

i was excited for my 20 week ultrasound in the morning.

i feared something was going to be wrong, but tried to brush it away.

eliza painted a pic and i soaked up how pretty she looked and thanked God for my sweet blessings.

one in heaven. one looking at me. one alive inside me.

soaked up what i thought would be some of the last few months with just her.

we didn't know the pain of holding a baby, and losing them all at the same time.

we had only one angel baby in heaven.

we couldn't imagine the difficult decisions we'd be faced with the next day, weeks, months.

27,764 people had never read this blog.

she didn't have a name. she was still our newbean.


this year, it hits me that it's almost been a full year of our new life.

one i wish we never had to live.

one where i am so different than before.

sadder, madder, angry. even still.

filled with more love for our second beautiful girl, but struggling.

i've been hanging onto those last few days before that ultrasound.

trying to remember how we lived.

dreading tomorrow to come. because then it feels harsh. a whole year of this.

a whole year of knowing.

we didn't give up on her on may 11th, but we sure were hit hard.

still trying to catch my breath after having the wind knocked out of me.


i feel like i've changed.

i complain to james because i am tired of being sad.

how can you not be though? we had to watch as our baby took her last breath.

i miss her. i miss feeling all her kicks.

i miss me. i miss the way i was.

before we knew.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

sweet sister moments.

i'm so glad she knows them...or knows of them. her siblings in heaven.

you should know that i say her "now i lay me..." prayer. for the God bless part we say "daddy, mama, baby, eliza, delia and pebble"

james says "the Lord's prayer" after that.

for each one we leave parts out for her to say.

example -
me - God bless

eliza - daddy! (sometimes she lists all of us, but if she forgets i fill in and she repeats. she always says pebble on her own)

me - mama, baby, eliza, delia and...

eliza - PEBBLE!

jump to the end of the Lord's prayer tonight...

james - forever and...

eliza - and PEBBLE!
then i was trying to get her to say "i love you."

me - i

eliza - i

me - love

eliza - love DELIA!
she knows them. she knows their name. she knows they are ours. her siblings.
i feel like she really grew up and stepped into a big sister role. even though her baby sister isn't physically here, something changed in her last august.

she's more caring. responsible. nurturing. loving. considerate.

she became a big sister.

others have noticed too.

it's a pretty awesome thing. i love hearing her talk about delia. even in the awkward moments like this week...
as i moved her urn to the bookshelf from our dresser.

eliza - what's that?

me - uhhhhhh...delia.

eliza - what's in there?

me - uhhhhhh...delia.

thankfully she didn't ask more yet.

it's coming. i know, i think we have a good foundation though. she's always known them. they are a part of our everyday life.

hopefully God will give us more to love here on earth. i hate that half our family is up there.

it's a struggle.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

there is nana...

and then there is nana steph.

my mom's identical twin.

eliza just loves her.

it was super cute the day she looked at each of them and said "huh! two nanas!"

since then aunt steph became nana steph.

my mom had three boys, steph had two, then i came along. two years later steph had cori, so i wasn't the only girl.

she had fun making dresses for us.

now steph has three grandsons.

so she makes dresses for eliza.

people ask where i found this dress and i just smile thinking "if only you had a nana steph!)

steph and elden (who happens to be my dad's cousin. they were also born on the same day) lived a mile down the road from us, so us cousins grew up real close. we were related on both sides after all!

there were times that cori and i talked about our moms. i'd complain about mine, she'd complain about hers, and we both thought the other had the better one.

steph used to let me "help" cross stitch. now she lets eliza "help" sew.

steph got polio when she was two. her left arm is limp, but she never let it stop her.

eliza noticed it and says "nana steph hand broken."

she's very concerned.

she still talks about it, and looks at nana's to see if it's the same.

steph said she never had someone that young notice.

nana steph made the baptismal gown both my girls wore.

she made them blankets as babies. she made us a quilt for our wedding, and it's the best snuggle on the couch blanket.

she made eliza a pink bunny with a special patch on it's heart with some fabric from delia's blanket.

he makes a good pillow.

aunt steph called the morning after that ultrasound. she had the words and encouragement i needed at that moment. facing that decision. i am forever grateful for that.

she took care of grandma when she was sick.

she spends her days serving God.

she is a blessing to all that know her.

nana steph has lipstick in her purse. she leaves kiss marks on eliza's cheeks, and let's her play with it.

eliza talks about nana steph...a lot.

i am so thankful that my mom is a twin and we grew up so close.

it sure is nice having two nanas!

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