Thursday, May 10, 2012

last may 10th.

i was pregnant.

we were living in korea.

we were happy.

we didn't know she was a girl.

we didn't know the word anencephaly.

i was excited for my 20 week ultrasound in the morning.

i feared something was going to be wrong, but tried to brush it away.

eliza painted a pic and i soaked up how pretty she looked and thanked God for my sweet blessings.

one in heaven. one looking at me. one alive inside me.

soaked up what i thought would be some of the last few months with just her.

we didn't know the pain of holding a baby, and losing them all at the same time.

we had only one angel baby in heaven.

we couldn't imagine the difficult decisions we'd be faced with the next day, weeks, months.

27,764 people had never read this blog.

she didn't have a name. she was still our newbean.

----

this year, it hits me that it's almost been a full year of our new life.

one i wish we never had to live.

one where i am so different than before.

sadder, madder, angry. even still.

filled with more love for our second beautiful girl, but struggling.

i've been hanging onto those last few days before that ultrasound.

trying to remember how we lived.

dreading tomorrow to come. because then it feels harsh. a whole year of this.

a whole year of knowing.

we didn't give up on her on may 11th, but we sure were hit hard.

still trying to catch my breath after having the wind knocked out of me.

----

i feel like i've changed.

i complain to james because i am tired of being sad.

how can you not be though? we had to watch as our baby took her last breath.

i miss her. i miss feeling all her kicks.

i miss me. i miss the way i was.

before we knew.

7 comments:

momv said...

shel i know it has been very hard for you to accept your new normal, i pray for you all the time:) you have been an inspiration to so many...May God's peace surround you, love mom

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure if watch the show, or if you’ve heard. One of the main characters on ABC's Private Practice (a spin-off of Grey’s Anatomy) is carrying a baby with anencephaly. The circumstances of the character getting pregnant are of course dramatic, but I thought it was incredible that it’s on mainstream media and thought I’d share. If you wanted to watch: start with episode 19 of season 5 (it’s on hulu and doesn’t expire until 9/19/12).
Love, an old Camp Lakeview camper

Jen said...

Shel, I remember I hurt for you when you found out. I still do. I wish I could take your pain away. I know Delia is an angel and is with all of you. I hope you feel better soon. Love you!!

Tesha said...

I Feel like I am forever changed also, and I am really tiered of being sad and it has only been 3 month. It sounds like a hard time, I am saying a prayer for you now .

J.C.Adams said...

I remember the phone call I got from you that day...I could tell you were upset and it almost felt like a violation of you that I knew you were hurting so deeply, I didn't want to pry but went home and immediately checked your FB to see what was up, there was nothing there for at least a day, I kept checking. Your willingness to share has helped so many. Delia brought so many of us to our knees and into a relationship with God. And every rainbow I see is now Delia's. You are an amazing mother, then, now and forever :) Hugs Shel--jana

Babs said...

Love you

Nicolasa @ {My}Perspective said...

<3 Love you

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