i was pregnant.
we were living in korea.
we were happy.
we didn't know she was a girl.
we didn't know the word anencephaly.
i was excited for my 20 week ultrasound in the morning.
i feared something was going to be wrong, but tried to brush it away.
eliza painted a pic and i soaked up how pretty she looked and thanked God for my sweet blessings.
one in heaven. one looking at me. one alive inside me.
soaked up what i thought would be some of the last few months with just her.
we didn't know the pain of holding a baby, and losing them all at the same time.
we had only one angel baby in heaven.
we couldn't imagine the difficult decisions we'd be faced with the next day, weeks, months.
27,764 people had never read this blog.
she didn't have a name. she was still our newbean.
this year, it hits me that it's almost been a full year of our new life.
one i wish we never had to live.
one where i am so different than before.
sadder, madder, angry. even still.
filled with more love for our second beautiful girl, but struggling.
i've been hanging onto those last few days before that ultrasound.
trying to remember how we lived.
dreading tomorrow to come. because then it feels harsh. a whole year of this.
a whole year of knowing.
we didn't give up on her on may 11th, but we sure were hit hard.
still trying to catch my breath after having the wind knocked out of me.
i feel like i've changed.
i complain to james because i am tired of being sad.
how can you not be though? we had to watch as our baby took her last breath.
i miss her. i miss feeling all her kicks.
i miss me. i miss the way i was.
before we knew.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
i was pregnant.