Wednesday, November 30, 2011

delia's book.

when we were at the hospital the nurses took some pictures of delia for us. we weren't sure lisa, with nilmdts, was going to be able to come back.

when we left the hospital with our beautiful memory box there was a photo album of pictures.

we held on to those pictures so close. especially in the first few weeks. before we had any from our family and friends, and before lisa was done editing.

they were the only ones we had printed of delia.

i slept with them under my pillow. i carried them in my purse everywhere.

eliza loved them! she asked to see them and she would point out "baby peet!" (baby feet)

since they were all we had i didn't want her to get too rough with them.

then i saw an idea on pinterest. a personalized board book.

i knew that was the way to go.

so i wrote a quick book, edited it down to fit, and picked some pictures that fit their size requirements.

it turned out awesome and eliza loves it. she points out all the people and says their names and of course loves to see delia.

you can check out the online proof here.

the quality is very good. i was impressed and already have plans for ordering more!

i had a problem with paypal when i checked out and i emailed the company. their customer service was excellent! the lady was so sweet in her email and when i talked to her later on the phone to pay with my card she gave her sympathies again and told me that it was the sweetest book she read. she went on about how touching it was.

and no, i was not given anything for this. i just love the company and love that the back says "printed in the good old usa"


Tuesday, November 29, 2011

my wish...

is that these days of her getting so excited to wear her puppy shirt and a funny hat that i picked out are long.

please stay little.

Monday, November 21, 2011

enough already.

that's my prayer. haven't You put me/us through enough?

i hate who i'm becoming. i hate being this bitter person. i used to be happy...a lot.

You don't think sexual abuse, our horrible break up, deployments, all the army moves, one miscarriage, one infant loss was enough?

you have to beat me with this too?


if i am honest with myself i know He isn't doing it to hurt me. it wasn't His plan. His plan was for a perfect world, but this side of heaven we won't see that.

we fell. we caused this pain.

but why must i have so much?

i want to blame Him. i'm mad.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

a simple question.

"do you have any other kids?" or in the case today (said to eliza) "do you have any brothers or sisters?"

james and i have talked about that question. especially after losing delia. how would we answer it if/when someone asks.

"um...erm...well, yes...uh not with us. they're, well, in heaven."

that would make anyone feel uncomfortable. we didn't want to throw people off and make them feel like they asked the wrong thing, but we didn't want to discount our babies. we felt guilty for leaving them out.

james said something along the lines of "if you answer with confidence i think people will be okay with it. it's if you stumble that would make it awkward."

so i practiced. in my head. "yes. two in heaven." "yes, but not with us." "only her here on earth." "her and two angel babies."

i hadn't been asked yet. i was waiting. i knew it was bound to happen.

then today, the day after we had an unfortunate ultrasound with pebble, eliza gets asks. how does she answer? with a confident "yes!"

phew, dodged that one.

until the cashier looked at me like "does she really?"

"um...well, yes. the others are just in heaven. she, uh...lost a sister. this august. and, well...yea...that's her sister."

i couldn't get out of there fast enough. i appreciated the "i'm sorry. i haven't experienced that, but i saw my mom go through it" reply, but i needed out.

why today? why? as i'm picking up stuff to for what i'm going through losing pebble. i have to face that question for the first time?

thanks God.

another loss.

or so it seems.

started spotting this week. had a postpartum appointment on friday. ended up being a prenatal appointment.

they did an ultrasound and it looks like a blighted ovum (empty gestational sac)

i have to go back on the 29th to see if any growth happened. i might be earlier than i thought, but i doubt it.

i think it's happening.

i told people i'm more annoyed and mad than i am sad.

i don't understand. a friend's prayer, and mine, has been "what the hell God?"

seriously. why? why must we endure another loss? haven't You put us through enough crap?

i'm breaking.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

growing up fast.

it seems like many times in my life i've been "the baby."

i have 3 older brothers.

my first summer at lakeview i was one of the younger ones.

most jobs i held i was the kid amongst the older employees.

various groups of friends i was the little sister type.

it just fit. i was used to it.

each birthday i had i kept thinking "the numbers are going up, but i don't feel older." i felt like i was always stuck in the late 90's early 2000 era. i just didn't feel like i was getting older.

even after living on my own, getting married, buying a house, getting pregnant, miscarrying, having a baby, having a toddler. i still felt like people see me as a young one.

that changed fast.

i feel like i grew up so much this summer.

it wasn't the move from another country. it wasn't buying a (second) house. it was losing her.

that isn't something that happens to people my age.

we shouldn't have to think about burial options.

we shouldn't have to pick up a death certificate.

or meet with the thrivent guy to talk about her life insurance.

we shouldn't have to make these awful decisions.

i remember sitting in the funeral home the day after she came and left. the director was asking us for information for the obituaries. i kept thinking "i shouldn't be answering this. this is something adults do. i am not an adult. my mom should be here. she knows the answers. i am NOT an adult."

but i am. 28 years, but it wasn't until that week this summer that it hit.

i'm an adult.

there are adult decisions to be made. there are great losses to bear. silver hairs to wrinkle my nose at. children to love. children to miss.

Friday, November 11, 2011

fighter girl.

james likes to joke around with eliza and he'll tell her to put her dukes up. then they pretend fight. he of course wants her to be tough.

i never shared this video here, but it made us laugh when we saw delia. it was our last ultrasound before we left korea. my mom was there and got to see her too.

i love how she has her dukes up and that she punches me too. i'll never forget that.

also eliza was the sweetest thing saying "baybee" weird to see her on there. that was just july, but i feel like she's changed so much!

the second video is the only video we have of delia outside. i could watch her all day. i also noticed that my iPod was playing mason jennings. i don't remember putting that on, but i love that i did. i love sharing music with my beans. one of my favorite memories was when she and i were alone in the hospital room and i rocked her and played her songs. so special.

man, i miss her.

Monday, November 7, 2011

the one where i admit i suck as a friend right now.

it's true.

i cannot keep up with life. yet life as a stay at home mom isn't filled with too much it seems. we have lazy days. too many where we stay in our jammies. more than i'd like to confess to.

i used to be great at keeping in touch.

i was the one person who loved snail mail. i always sent letters, and always replied in a timely fashion.

now? i cannot even keep up with e-mails, messages, wall posts, comments, texts.

i feel like i'm sucking at friendship.

i want you to know how much i appreciate each and every single note.

i am so thankful that you took the time to write me/us.

i'm sorry i haven't replied, or if i have it's been short.

i'm trying to stay afloat.

i feel so disorganized. maybe it's because all of our stuff is everywhere still. we are in limbo. i'm still recovering.

i don't know.

i hate excuses. i just feel awful.

people have been so supportive. way more than i could have imagined.

i thank God for each of you.

praying i can turn this slump around sometime.

i hate being behind. having a full inbox. letting people down.

this sucks.

i wonder what the heck is wrong with me, but at the same time i know.

i'm sad. i need time still.


Sunday, November 6, 2011


  • i can't stop thinking about her.
  • was all saints sunday.
  • pastor read her name. the bell tolled. tears were shed.
  • her sister carries her book around like it's a prized possession.
  • i'm remembering the innocence of pregnancy that was taken away 3 years ago tomorrow.
  • i wished so many times that we could go back to the hospital.
  • i'm pregnant again.
  • i'm feeling positive about this baby aka "pebble"
  • i long to see eliza and her together.
  • is another day.

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