Saturday, May 10, 2014


tomorrow is mother's day.

tomorrow also marks 3 years from that ultrasound.

sometimes i feel like it just happened.

i still feel as numb as i did that day...and the days/weeks/months following.

the anger still hits once in awhile.

the why us? the why her? the why anyone?

other days if feels as if i have always been this version of me. i can't remember what life was like before. the not knowing.

happy to celebrate mother's day with my two girls, but it's hard, always hard, missing delia smashed in between them.

each pregnancy following is always scary. especially as we approach the "big ultrasound."

bug is due 14oct. even though delia was born in 23aug, she wasn't due until 28sep.

so the dates are lining up a little too close for comfort.

they decided to let us have our ultrasound at 18 weeks. less wait. i am thankful for that.

but then the receptionist said "so the week of may 12th."

and i went right back to that week three years ago.

the dates hit. hard.

and worry slips in, like it always does, always will.

the other thing with this pregnancy, a constant thought.

"this baby is just one step further from her. one more step away."

hattie was special being a rainbow baby. i feel like she has a connection to delia. i know this one will too, but it's just hard to think about. it's up to us. i know we will continue to tell her stories. to share all about their sister, but it's hard. i wish they all could have been a part of her short life. i wish they didn't have to wait to see her.

praying this mother's day. for all those hurting, aching, for various reasons.

and if you think about it, pray for our "big ultrasound" that it will bring nothing but smiles.

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