Tuesday, June 26, 2012

this apartment.

you know, the one we were only supposed to be in for a short while?

the one above our friend's garage.

the one that has only one bedroom, so we had to share with eliza.

that one that i didn't want to be in when delia came.

i wanted my own bed to curl up in. our own stuff surrounding me. our own home to be in.

this apartment that we moved into last july.

well, it's almost time to leave.

i started packing stuff up today.

found all those memories i hid away.

the books from friends that i want to read but it was just too soon.

my medical records from korea. the ones stating that word anencephaly for the first time.

i found hundreds of cards from sweet people.

pictures, notes, funeral plans, footprints, blankets, gifts, all things i planned to deal with a different day.

not today.

and i didn't expect it to be so hard.

to leave this place.

the place we lived when she was born.

the place we spent our last days together in.

the couch i laid on and timed contractions.

the tiny apartment that was filled with so much love and support as we planned her funeral.

if leaving korea wasn't hard enough. now we're leaving her other home.

and this one comes with a supportive friend right down the stairs.

one that had a baby girl the day before delia.

one that remembers all the days that are probably hard.

one that bakes delicious treats.

and has sweet kids that eliza just adores.

how can it be so hard to leave a place that was supposed to be so temporary?

oh Lord go with us, bless our new home that james built. fill it with love and life.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

conversation with eliza.

as she tried to fall asleep tonight.

two hours after she went to bed, i came in to use the bathroom, she was still up.

"seep with me mama!"

"i will lay down for a little bit."

crawling in next to her in our bed.

"no mama! that's my blanket, pillow, tommy, dandra..."

"okay! i wasn't taking them."

"here, delia's blanket."

"thanks...eliza, do you remember seeing delia?"

smiles "yes."

"at the hospital?"


"do you remember when we had to say goodbye at church?"


"and everyone was sad?"

"do you?"


"do you ever dream about her?"


"me too."
"do you sometimes see her?"


"in your head?"

busts out in complete giggles..."my head?! noooooo!!!!" continues giggling.

"you know you can talk to her right? anytime?"

and so it went...


i am sure a lot of those "yes" answers were just automatic answers, but i still like talking about it with her.

oh i wonder how much she does remember at this age.

she pulls out random memories of places we've been, or things we've done that surprise me.

our doctor said they are quite good at things like that.

if we keep talking about it can she hold on to some of those? can she remember?

please, let her remember.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

mama's law. volume 1.

if you clean the floor (yes james, i cleaned the floor) she will spill her milk for the first time in months.

if you think "i'm so happy she's been accident free" she will poop in the tub for the first time in over a year. (this from a kid that insists on getting out of baths, lakes, and pools to pee.

if you lay down during nap, she will wake up.

if you take away her favorite coloring book and markers as punishment, she will follow you and say "here mama! forgot one!"

oh you are so lucky you are cute, my child.

what are your mama's law moments?

and yes, these all happened this afternoon!

Friday, June 15, 2012

step one.

see a baby growing and hear a heartbeat.


she wanted her own picture. :)

we have another ultrasound in two weeks to check again.

keep growing fawn!

Thursday, June 14, 2012

this imagination...

of hers is running wild!

and it's mostly fun to watch, but sometimes it's just weird.



she set all these spools up and from what i gathered she was playing school.

she'd point and say "dandra you're two!" "katielli you're two!"

"now everybody stand up!"

the others were izzybell and wowa. all her friends in real life.



i'm standing at the counter in the bank and she is looking at the ceiling.

there is an 80's style decorated light panel.

"you see that mama?!"


"you see those kids?"


"see the kids up there?" pointing to the light.


:pulling her hand out the door because i'm sure people are wondering why she's seeing kids in light panels:



hearing her say in an obnoxiously high volume "no swiper!" "watch out for swiper!" "katielli! watch out!"

then telling enola "i'll get him!" as she reaches down and picks up a piece of fuzz and enola looks at her like she's crazy.

because eliza had no clue who swiper was at the time. until enola brought him up, and until this last trip to nana and papa's where she watched "dora" she was clueless.



today at target we just had to get my medicine so i didn't get a cart and let her walk.

she was twirling in her dress and being silly, anything but actually walking down the aisle.

the overhead lights were reflecting onto the shiny floor.

she noticed and stopped in her tracks.

frantic "hold me! hold me!"

me quite a few yards ahead of her. "just walk please!"

"no! hold me! you see that?"

"yes, it's just the lights reflecting. look up!"

"hold me!"

"eliza, look up! see the lights, it's like a mirror, they are just shining down."

:reaching down and picking her up:

"my friends! you see my friends?"

"your friends? i don't see them."

"down there!" :pointing to the floor:

"your friends are down there?"


"what are they doing down there?"

"sitting in chairs."

"oh, okay"

by this time i get to the pharmacy and set her down. she's distracted by the suckers, but then asks me to hold her again.

when i reach down she says "no! don't put you hands down there! hold my hand!"

:she interlocks our fingers together as i'm holding her on my hip:

i ask "don't put my hand down there?"

"no! my friends are there!"

:jokingly dip our hands down closer to the floor:

"nooooo mama! my friends! don't you hands!"

:walking out the store, wondering what kind of freak friends she has:


oh eliza, you are always quite entertaining!

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

fawn update.

friday we head to the doctor for my first appointment.

i'm hoping they do an ultrasound.

i'm really afraid we're going to leave there heartbroken again.

praying that fawn is growing healthy and strong!

i've had a few bouts of all day sickness this week. and whined on fb that i was hoping fawn would model after eliza and not delia.

i never got sick with eliza, i was sick the entire 34 weeks with delia.

and let me tell you, if you've never puked with a toddler that won't leave you alone in the bathroom, you are lucky!

with delia, eliza used to stand next to me and make fake gagging noises.

now she talks to me.

i gag she says "bless you." if i don't respond she says it again "bless you mama!" if i still don't respond she leans around me so she can be in my face and says "God bless you!"

i've also gotten "no, no mama. don't look at the toilet! don't! stop looking at the toilet!"

and as i have my hands over my eyes wishing this wave will pass she pulls my hands down and shrieks "PEEK-A-BOO!"

dude. just leave me alone!

saw this someecard and made me laugh.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012


apparently we have a smuggler. she's not even 3 and she's sneaking around.

eliza is obsessed with lalaloopsy mini dolls.

if you don't know what they are don't worry, i didn't either when i bought one for her stocking this year. apparently the bigger dolls were a hot toy a couple Christmases ago.

if you do know, you probably also know that the minis come with a bunch of tiny adorable annoying extra pieces.

i am slightly crazy, especially when it comes to keeping track of her toys. everything has to be accounted for and together.

this means i randomly do inventory on her stuff. it's been upped since the discovery of these lalaloopsy dolls. most of the girls come with 4 things including a pet and we haven't lost one yet!

this weekend nana got her another doll. usually the new one becomes her favorite and she HAS to take it to bed with her along with her other favorite "pillow" (yes, that's her real name)

sidenote - they came out with a movie "the search for pillow" and you would not believe how many times i feel like we are in that movie before she goes to bed. "have you seen pillow?" "where did pillow go?" "she can't find pillow again." :mumbled: "freakin' pillow."

the new doll is "marina" and came with a whale for a pet. it's tiny and cute, wears a sailor hat and eliza loves it.

we try to limit the toys she can take to bed so she doesn't stay up and play, and so i'm not losing my mind looking all over for these stinkin' pieces.

last night she wanted to bring the whale with her, but i told her no.

today, when i did inventory, the whale was missing. it was the only thing missing.


this afternoon nana was holding eliza's bitty baby "dandra" and felt something in her jammies. she took it out and what do you know, it was the whale!

eliza saw it, smiled, took it back and shoved it back in the jammies.

when asked about it later she just squinted her eyes into her "i'm trying to be real cute so you'll forget" face.

oh my child. you are a stinker...and way too smart!

hope you enjoyed having whale during your nap. it won't happen again!

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