Tuesday, August 30, 2011

leaving town.

we got the call that my car made it back from korea and is ready to be picked up.

i was so excited to head over to st. louis and pick it up. thought "we need a break." "we can have a little getaway." "this could be fun."

then we started our trip, and the anxiety built.

i know she's not there, but it feels weird to leave her.

it's not right. we didn't leave eliza until late this summer. just shy of her second birthday.

mama's are meant to be with their children.

it's strange not to be. i keep feeling like i need to be doing something. rocking a baby, nursing her, just keeping busy doing mama things.

the first night home i caught myself getting off the couch to go check on her.

i guess that instinct never leaves.

i keep telling myself she's not there. her body may be, but she is not. instead she is everywhere.

she will follow us to st. louis and anywhere else we go in this life.

be still.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

last sunday.

last sunday i was pregnant. uncomfortable. naive. timing contractions. feeling kicks and jabs. oblivious to real pain. praying for more time.

last sunday i didn't know the pain of tuesday morning.

tuesday morning we lost her. we had her. she breathed. and then she was gone.

last tuesday changed our life forever.

we will never be the same.

last tuesday our new life started.

one i wish we never had to live.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

painting rainbows.

indiana. (north, south and in between)

i think i got them all recorded.

those are all the places that rainbows were reported. most of them on delia's birth and heaven day.

it started with my aunt posting a pic to my facebook. a rainbow over the farm. it made me so happy to see that God gave her paintbrushes already.

then it spread. everywhere.

my profile was filled with pics and reports of people seeing rainbows (and doubles!) in their town. and also sharing tragic stories of others babies that have passed and had their own turn with the brushes.

all over the united states...then back to our home in korea.


i also heard she had fun with stars last night. shooting ones just as a friend was praying for her.

she is busy. someone said just like her older sister. :)

we think she is making her rounds and sending thanks to all the people who prayed for her. for us. those very special friends and family. the ones we couldn't go through this without.

it's His promise for us.

i'm so happy He let her paint for us. i'm so happy she did.

we love you sweet delia. keep painting. we're watching.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

happy birthday.

sweet delia jean.

we love you and miss you already.

it's a special day. your birthday on earth, and you were welcomed into your heavenly home.

many arms held you tight here, and anxious ones waiting to greet you there.

you are in good hands. His hands.

your short life had such a big impact.

you are loved.

Friday, August 19, 2011

keep moving.

after our month stay in lafayette with my parents it was time to head south. james' leave was over and we needed to get settled. we have an offer in on a house, but we are waiting to see if it all goes through and then it will need a bit of work before we can move in.

where does that leave us? "temporary housing" as james is calling it.

we bunked at dav and whit's for a few days. spent many days at the lake and getting cousin time in. then we moved into an apartment above our friend's garage. we'll be staying here until we find our forever home. it's nice to have our own space again.

we are still sharing a room with eliza though, and it's always funny to see who she decides to make get out of bed in the morning. will it be a "i want daddy." or "mama!"

our first shipment of stuff from korea came today. that completely ruined nap time because it was like Christmas all over again. new toys! she even climbed fell out of her pack 'n play when we did try to put her down. no tears, just a "dank you!" when james rushed in to see if she was okay. :)

we got set up with doctors here. that was quite the battle with tricare, but we finally got it sorted out. we feel good about the care we're receiving and look forward to seeing delia again on an ultrasound next week.

thankful for time with family, old friends, and getting to know new ones.

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