Tuesday, January 29, 2013

because i'll laugh...

with you one day about this.

(warning - talks of boobs, poop, pee and vomit ahead...proceed with caution)

this is how our morning went...

our doctor wanted to see hattie for another weight check. our doctor is in a town that is in the opposite direction of the town we always go to. we needed to get something from the hospital, so we decided we'd just take her there for a weight check and call our doctor with the info.

easy enough? yea right.

as i went to put maggs in his box he decided to turn around and walk back out of the room completely ignoring me. eliza got mad because i told her he didn't need any treats. i got him in his box, and somewhere in there i must have not latched it right, or we have a houdini dog. more on that later.

we drove up to the hospital to get hattie's medical records. not too much of a hassle after we got it sorted out.

went up to the nursery to see if they would weigh her and save us a trip to the doctor.

she was weighed (and gained!) and we were on our way to hell...aka walmart to return a few things and pick up some other stuff. simple trip.

when we got in the car we tried to find hattie's weight at discharge so we could tell our doctor that, along with the weight she is now. couldn't find it anywhere in the papers. just saw something that was crossed out and error written on it.

james went back in, the lady said she remembers her chart and it basically came down to "we don't know what her weight was."

off to walmart. where i got annoyed with the lady at customer service and ended up not being able to return something. so we left for target.

got what we needed then headed home. all this time i was overdue to nurse hattie and i was feeling it!

arrived home to a dog that was waiting for us at the door, not a good thing because that meant the garbage would be emptied out and torn apart. and it was.

james went to work on that, while i tried to nurse a sleepy hattie on an engorged boob. stripped her down to wake her up. after a few minutes i stopped to burp her and she had an explosive poop. so explosive it shot out the back of her diaper, got on my pants, her back, and some landed on my lips. :shudder:

freaked out, took her to the changing table, tried to figure out the best way to tackle the situation. james was vacuuming up coffee grounds now, so he didn't hear when eliza said i needed help.

took the poop filled diaper off hattie, picked her up to wash her back, and she peed all over the pack 'n play and floor.


finally got her clean, washed myself, and sat back down to finish nursing her.

a friend was due to stop by soon because of course this stuff happens at just the right moment, and the living room was a mess.

james was picking up, eliza was lounging, maggs was in his box, i was nursing hattie.

then she decided i didn't have enough. now, eliza was a big puker, i'm used to spit up, but what happened next topped all of her pukes.

hattie pulled away, puked and it was the equivalent of someone dumping a bowl of warm water on her, me and our bed.


it was one of those moments that if she didn't still have her stump attached i would have just jumped in the shower with her because i didn't know what else to do. we were both covered...again.

10 minutes later life is fine, we all have clean clothes, laundry in the wash, friend visiting with warm banana bread in hand.

ahh life with a newborn.

at least eliza wasn't causing trouble through all this or i seriously would have lost it!

Sunday, January 27, 2013

hattie's birth story.

or the way i remember it...

james had to go down to fort knox for the week and i was ordered not to go into labor while he was gone. if he had to come back he'd have to go back down and start the week of classes over. he already took these classes in korea when he was supposed to get out of the army, so he REALLY didn't want to do them a third time!

my due date was still 3 weeks away, so we figured it'd be safe, but delia was 5 weeks early, so we didn't really know.

before he left i had been having contractions off and on and at the doctor the friday before he left (he left on monday) i was 2cm and thin.

he said "i am going to have to come back aren't i?"

he left which meant eliza was due to get sick. i was busy taking care of her, keeping her fever down, fighting a double ear infection, that i just wasn't really "bothered" by the pregnancy. i actually felt better than i had in awhile. guess i was distracted. no contractions all week and fawn's movements seemed to not be as painful.

after spending the week in a hotel, when james came home friday and i complained of contractions later that night he said "just let me have one night in our bed."

sure honey! :P

i started timing contractions at 11:25 and an hour later they were still pretty regular. i hadn't been checked at my appointment that morning, so i wasn't sure if i had progressed that week.

called whitney to give her the heads up that we might be going to the hospital, and she would need to come get eliza.

texted her a bit later and said we decided to see if we could sleep, and if the contractions went away, but i may call in the middle of the night.

james slept pretty well, i was up and down all night. anxious, timing, taking a bath, finishing packing my bag, staring at the clock, praying...

around 4am i thought, we should go. then it was 5am and i thought "may as well wait until eliza wakes up, and then call whit."

i was nervous to leave eliza in the middle of the night. feeling some guilt, and just wanted her to wake up to normal, one last time.

she was up between 7:30-8am had our morning routine, and told her fawn would probably be coming soon. called whit and she said she'd be over in a little bit.

james' mom was coming down to visit that afternoon/evening so it worked out nicely. she could take over and stay with eliza if we did end up staying at the hospital.

got to the hospital sometime around 9:30 or 10am. they answered the phone and james said "we think we're in labor?!"

so they hooked me up to a monitor to check and my contractions were all over the place. not super strong, and the spacing was weird.

my water broke at home with eliza, and with delia, after having contractions for days, once my water broke she was there within mintues. so i was afraid to wait too long! better safe than a baby in bed/on the stairs/at home.

my regular doctors weren't at the hospital this weekend, so i met the doctor from the other practice and after a check (still 2-3 and thin) they decided to wait and see what the contractions did. they were going to monitor for 2 hours and decide whether or not to keep me or send me home.

james and i looked at each other and said "this is going to be a loooooong day." and slightly regretted coming in.

some time within the next hour the contractions picked up and the nurse came in and said "we're going to keep you, give you the epidural if you want (because the anesthesiologist is on the floor right now) and break your water.

"whoa. whoa. how did we go from a long day to it's go time?"

phone calls were made and everyone started heading our way.

i'm not sure of all the times, but i got my epidural, and it felt weird to do, because i wasn't in pain, but it was nice to have ahead of time...unlike the one i had with eliza. after the epi was in everything slowed waaaaay down and we were back to the waiting game.

then they broke my water, and it was so not eventful. delia's water breaking will forever bring me laughs. it was ridiculous.

still no progress, so they brought up the word pitocin and i said "oh no! i hated that stuff with eliza!"

the nurse reassured me that it would be okay since i already had the epidural, and she was right. it wasn't bad at all.

eventually i started feeling the contractions and they thought i might have "hot spot" so i changed positions a few times, but it was still painful. the nurse was trying to work it out and i pointed to wear it hurt and she said "let me just check you one more time." last check i was still sitting around 4-5cm. seconds later she said "you're feeling it because it's time to push!"

doctor came in quickly and they said "let's do a couple practice pushes." i had just started and he and the nurse both yelled "STOP! STOP! STOP! that's enough practice!" :) did i mention i love the pushing part? and the doctor got prepped and it was time to start.

i remember them saying "there is a full head of hair!" and i asked "is there a beard?" (because everyone knows my feelings on james' beard!) they laughed and i thought, wow, this delivery is way different than either of the other two.

6 minutes of pushing later and the doctor said "it's a girl!" i looked up at james afraid he would be disappointed. i could not believe it was a girl! everyone was so certain it was a boy. i was too for awhile, but then hoped for a girl. i could not believe my ears and i said "it really is a girl?!" the doctor held her up and said "yes! see?!" and my heart just exploded. hattie jo was here.

eliza would have another sister, a sister that was coming home with us, not just in our hearts!

after that it's all just a big blissful blur. we did skin to skin for an hour after and it really helped establish her nursing. eliza and i struggled so much for the first two months, but hattie and i have it mostly figured out. so thankful for that!

we told the nurses, and prepared our parents (and everyone waiting) that we wanted to wait to share if it was a boy or girl until they were in the room. no running to the waiting room and yelling...i just really wanted to see/hear their reactions.

i also wanted eliza to be the first one back. so one of the nurses went out to the waiting room and walked her back. we got to tell her that fawn was a girl. the nurse took some pictures of the four of us, and eliza clapping. it was such a sweet moment!

then we hid our pink bracelets, and everyone else came back in. eliza got to break the news...this is how it went...

so thankful nana thought to catch it on video!

then it was just a whole bunch of love, snuggles, kisses, passing her around, staring, thinking "wow, she's really here. our fawn."

she was finally weighed and measured and apparently she took every pound i gained while pregnant and far outweighed both eliza and delia! i would have been afraid if she lasted until her due date!

overall it was just a relaxing, peaceful labor and delivery. i was pretty nervous going into it, coming home, and now and then in between, but it was nice to know what to expect. i had done it before (twice!) and made it just fine. wasn't a whole lot different.

a week later and i cannot get enough of her. i don't know if it's because i know how fast it goes when i look at eliza. or if i know how precious life is because of delia, but i never want to put her down. i could just stare at her all day!

thank you Lord for blessing us with her...our little hattie bear.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

some hattie pics.

it's been such a great first week! crazy that i am sleeping better now, than when i was pregnant. it's been a nice change.

we thought we had it easy with eliza...so far hattie is proving to be just as easy.

for all the pain and crazy movements she put me through while pregnant, i'm surprised at how mellow she is.

let's see how it changes in the next few weeks and months!

i'll post her birth story soon. out of the three, hers had to be the easiest/most relaxing. maybe just because i knew what i was doing!

 fresh out of the oven...and still covered in gunk.
we already heard the "well, MY baby..." conversations start between enola and eliza! and how cute is deandra?!
sleeping away in her hammock from special delivery baby hammocks...and trying hard to be a thumb sucker!
home schooling. i told him to just read to her and keep her awake. what a lutheran daddy she has...beer and all!
loving on daddy. she doesn't seem to mind the beard. he thinks it keeps her head warm when he's holding her. :shudder:
 eliza's new favorite toy. she loves "baby jo!" and wants her to play.
 bright eyes...don't get to see them much yet. curious to see what color they end up!
happy one week hattie bear!

Saturday, January 19, 2013

hello world!

i'm hattie jo!



19 1/2 inches

36 1/2cm head


crazy amounts of hair...all over!


to find out which onesie it will be.

at the hospital, anxious for fawn's arrival!

psalm 46:10

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

evil little manipulator.

otherwise known as my sweet 3 year old eliza june.

she's been sick the last few days and we have had some rough nights. i think she's trying to prepare me for life with a newborn...or remind me that she is still my baby and in control.

night before last was awful. between her and the beautiful blessing kicking me in the bladder, i think i saw all hours (and a lot of 1/2 hours of the clock)

last night was better. she went to sleep easier, but by the time i climbed in bed i just sat there waiting for her to wake up. knew it had to be coming soon.

prior to me coming to bed she had few complaints "i have boogers" "i not a baby! the baby in your belly. and one that really cracked me up "dandra hurt me" (dandra is her bitty baby doll) it was quite upsetting to her. not sure she was fully awake for those last two.

i finally passed out myself and then it just got annoying/comical for anyone not involved.

4:24am - she yells out "I'M THIRSTY!"

i jumped out of bed and saw she wasn't awake, but wasn't too annoyed because i had to pee anyway.

4:40am - "I'M THIRSTY!"

wait to see if she goes back to sleep, she yells a few more times, so i get up and help her. tucked her back in and since i'm a smart mama i anticipate that she'll start whining for her hankie. and since i'm a really smart mama i have pinned her hankie to her bunny so it's easier for her to find when she drops it. so i shove him in her hands and tuck him close to her chin, and tell her she should be able to cover herself, she's a big girl. she says "thanks" and i head back to pee since it's been a whole 16 minutes and i'm due to go again soon.

then the evil little manipulator comes out.

"are you in your bed mama?"

"not yet, i'm peeing."

:waits a few seconds:

"are you in your bed mama?"

"not yet."

:slowly walk back to bed:

"are you in your bed mama?"

really, are you actually waiting for me to lay down so you can ask me for something else?

"go to sleep eliza."

4:43am - 4:52am

footsteps running to the bathroom

grabs drink

sets drink down

whispers "i'm a big girl, i cover myself!"


"eliza, i just gave you your bunny, find him. turn the light on if you need to. i'm not getting back up, i just tucked you in."

light on.

light off.

light on.

light off.

light on.

"what are you doing?"

"i have to pee!"


"you didn't flush mama! i flush for you!"

grabs another drink.

more whining about boogers.

light off.

light on.



light off.

frustrated mama.

crying child.

"i'm sorry mama."

"i love you."

"i love you."

4:53am - really shel? you have to pee again?!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

a friend that knows.

you hate to have a friend that knows the pain of losing a child, because you don't want anyone else to know that feeling, but at the same time you find comfort that there is someone that gets it.

it's hard.

when we moved back from korea we settled in to church here, had delia, lost delia, found a house, and started renovating.

i remember the day i heard about this other girl, family of a lot of church members, that just got terrible news at their ultrasound. not anencephaly, but potter's syndrome. another new disease to add to my vocabulary.

i was asked if we could be a contact if she needed someone.

i wondered if they had any other kids and was told they have a little girl that was almost two...same as eliza.

i remember looking up through the joists where james was working in the attic and telling him about her, and asking for him to pray too.

we heard about their loss that november, just 3 months after delia came.

the following spring i joined a friend at a mops (mother's of preschoolers) meeting. fell in love. and anxiously waited to join that fall. my friend said "oh, and carissa comes, you know her right?" i replied "carissa?" and was then reminded that is the girl that lost a daughter around the same time as us.

i wondered if we would be able to connect. if it would be too hard, or if it would be a comfort. would she want to hang out with me? another grieving mom?

towards the end of the summer mops hosted a donuts and lemonade morning. you could come and meet other moms before the year officially began.

i met my group leader, who also had suffered a loss, a daughter, emma, around 24 weeks. her loss was not as recent as ours, but still just as painful. that pain never fades i'm afraid.

then she introduced me to my "shepherd mom" the mom that had been there before and would show me around at the first meeting. her name? carissa.

wow, God!

i walked across the playground, and noticed that she was pregnant, just like me.

we talked that day, and didn't hold anything back, it was nice to release fears, hurts, stories about our angel girls, our almost 3 year olds, and the babies in our bellies.

since that day our friendship has grown, and i just thank God that he brought us together. our girls are in the same class, and talk about each other quite often. they know the special bond they share, and that their sisters are in heaven. they talk about how they play up there. it's bittersweet.

and today? today, carissa begins a new chapter. she's at the hospital and her new little girl will be here soon!

we've both been anxious about having another, after losing our girls. worried about all sorts of things, just being back at the hospital, having two at home, wondering how life will change, the emotions...

i am just thankful for our similar stories, and that God brought us together here.

praying today. knowing that hannah is watching over her family and smiling at new life!

psalm 46:10

Sunday, January 6, 2013

our house.

a few random thoughts.

i was born and lived in the same house for almost 22 years. the time my parents sold it was one of the hardest transitions for me. it was devastating leaving that place, the memories, my room, my favorite places, favorite trees, our pets in the yard, the familiarity. i was so angry at them. i didn't understand.

i know my aunt can relate. it was only a year or so before that my grandparents house (my dad's childhood home) was sold. it was just as hard to say goodbye to that house. the yard, the junk, the basement smell, the kitchen. it sat just a few miles away from our house...dad never got far (distance wise) from his home, and i loved that.

i wanted that for me, for my kids.

except once my childhood home sold in 2004, i have lived in 8 different places. (not including summers at camp) that's about one place a year! and a lot of those were before i married an army boy!

eliza has already lived in 4 places and she's only 3! we watch home videos and she says "where was that?" "what house was that?!"

with his contract coming to and end, and all the work he did to rebuild this home, i don't think we'll be going anywhere and i love that.

so this house? our home? we wanted to find a place that had some land. a place that was established. we randomly stumbled across this farmhouse soon after we got back from korea, almost 9 months after we closed on it we were able to move in.

that was after james took it down to the outside walls, dirt floor, and roof. it's been quite the transformation, and i'm so proud of him. he put so many late nights in, and figured out a lot of it on his own, and made it ours.

the lady we bought it from lived here for over 35 years. this little place was where she raised her family with the love of her life. i love that james can say "granville and doris' old place" and people know exactly what house we live in.

i think about the life they lived here, the memories and how it must have been hard to leave, just as it was when my parents sold our house. it didn't seem that way during closing and the times doris has stopped by (her husband has already passed, we never met him) she's such a sweet lady, and i think excited to see a young family take care of it, but we have changed EVERYTHING, but the outside.

one of her son's (john) lives next door to us, and james has become friends with him. they help each other out with neighbor things. it's quite nice.

as he was over there yesterday, eliza asked where daddy was and i told her. she said "john?"  and i told her that he used to live here. she replied "when he was a baby?!" exactly...and a big kid! it got me thinking again about all the things this house has seen.

then james came back and said "john told his mom that there were Christmas lights on the house for the first time since he was a kid...and they looked the same as they did then. i guess she started bawling."

and i totally understood.
i'm so happy we found this place, a place that we can continue to grow in (even if there isn't much room!) and make more memories. a place we can stay...for good!

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

mama update.

guess i can go ahead and post a me update since i posted a fawn one.

also since it's only 4 weeks until my due date!

so...how am i?

tired. sore. cranky. over it.

i was warned that 3rd pregnancies are hard, and yes, even with only chasing 1 kid, this one is way harder. after losing delia, and grieving, and all that goes with that, i know i wasn't in the best shape for a pregnancy. it's been hard that way.

eliza's was a breeze. i never got to that uncomfortable stage. i was one of those weirdos that actually liked being pregnant. she was a lazy baby and it never hurt.

delia's was hard for various reasons, but i still never wanted it to end. she was super active, but i had so much excess fluid and she was so tiny they were always just flutters and tickles.

this kid? man, it beats me up! now i know what other moms have described. it surprises me that fawn can wake me up out of a sound sleep, or make my whole body jerk. it's cool, but annoying too.

the braxton hicks are around daily, same with delia.

i bend over to help eliza, contraction...and if it's not a contraction it's heartburn, or feeling like i'm going to vomit.

the heartburn was present with each, but now i get it just from cooking a meal. it's always there and i've eaten more tums than anyone should. i did have that with eliza, but it didn't start until later on. with delia and fawn it was right from the get go. it's one thing i'm looking forward to being over. never had it while not pregnant, and hopefully it goes away again!

i've nested, re-nested, and nested some more. yet the house doesn't look ready. i busy myself with silly projects that i feel HAVE to be done. a lot of things are ready, but it's hard when we don't have a designated nursery. still figuring out where fawn will fit.

my patience is pretty thin. not just with eliza and maggs, but with complete strangers. poor james...he gets to hear all about it, but man...people are silly. (our word for stupid around here)

people talk about how fast this pregnancy has gone. i was talking with a friend that is due in a week, and she lost a daughter a couple months after we lost delia and we were saying how we felt like we've been pregnant forever. we didn't have that lovely newborn/baby phase to break it up. it's just been pregnancy pains for awhile.

cannot wait to bring this one home!

that is one thing i struggle with. james has always been settled on having 2 kids. i always wanted 4 or 5. 3 would be hard for me to settle on, but i really don't want to do 2 more pregnancies.

it's hard not to be bitter. to think about going through 3 full pregnancies, but still only having 2 kids. i struggle. i think it's normal for a mama to do, james is better at keeping it together. i just want to whine about it.

i wanted to be done by the time i turned 30. that comes in 3 months. God had other plans though, and i try to remind myself of that. His will...not ours.

i hate wishing these end of pregnancy days away, especially since eliza has been pretty cool lately and our world is going to change so much, but i'm excited.

we weren't around family when eliza was born. we've never done this whole raising a baby close to family. i'm anxious and a bit nervous to see what it's like. will it be easier with help available? will it be harder since we do things a little different?  will i want to hide away and do it myself? what will it be like for eliza?

i want this kid's baby days to be as close to eliza's as possible, but of course that is not a reality. i did take a break from paper lullaby. i needed time with eliza, and to give fawn as much attention as i could, since it will already be shared with eliza. i just needed to get back to my sahm days, and not my wahm ones.

ready or not, fawn is coming soon!

and for comparison...here is my latest belly shot. three bumps, all at 35 weeks (or close to it, since delia came early)

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