Wednesday, January 2, 2013

mama update.

guess i can go ahead and post a me update since i posted a fawn one.

also since it's only 4 weeks until my due date! am i?

tired. sore. cranky. over it.

i was warned that 3rd pregnancies are hard, and yes, even with only chasing 1 kid, this one is way harder. after losing delia, and grieving, and all that goes with that, i know i wasn't in the best shape for a pregnancy. it's been hard that way.

eliza's was a breeze. i never got to that uncomfortable stage. i was one of those weirdos that actually liked being pregnant. she was a lazy baby and it never hurt.

delia's was hard for various reasons, but i still never wanted it to end. she was super active, but i had so much excess fluid and she was so tiny they were always just flutters and tickles.

this kid? man, it beats me up! now i know what other moms have described. it surprises me that fawn can wake me up out of a sound sleep, or make my whole body jerk. it's cool, but annoying too.

the braxton hicks are around daily, same with delia.

i bend over to help eliza, contraction...and if it's not a contraction it's heartburn, or feeling like i'm going to vomit.

the heartburn was present with each, but now i get it just from cooking a meal. it's always there and i've eaten more tums than anyone should. i did have that with eliza, but it didn't start until later on. with delia and fawn it was right from the get go. it's one thing i'm looking forward to being over. never had it while not pregnant, and hopefully it goes away again!

i've nested, re-nested, and nested some more. yet the house doesn't look ready. i busy myself with silly projects that i feel HAVE to be done. a lot of things are ready, but it's hard when we don't have a designated nursery. still figuring out where fawn will fit.

my patience is pretty thin. not just with eliza and maggs, but with complete strangers. poor james...he gets to hear all about it, but man...people are silly. (our word for stupid around here)

people talk about how fast this pregnancy has gone. i was talking with a friend that is due in a week, and she lost a daughter a couple months after we lost delia and we were saying how we felt like we've been pregnant forever. we didn't have that lovely newborn/baby phase to break it up. it's just been pregnancy pains for awhile.

cannot wait to bring this one home!

that is one thing i struggle with. james has always been settled on having 2 kids. i always wanted 4 or 5. 3 would be hard for me to settle on, but i really don't want to do 2 more pregnancies.

it's hard not to be bitter. to think about going through 3 full pregnancies, but still only having 2 kids. i struggle. i think it's normal for a mama to do, james is better at keeping it together. i just want to whine about it.

i wanted to be done by the time i turned 30. that comes in 3 months. God had other plans though, and i try to remind myself of that. His will...not ours.

i hate wishing these end of pregnancy days away, especially since eliza has been pretty cool lately and our world is going to change so much, but i'm excited.

we weren't around family when eliza was born. we've never done this whole raising a baby close to family. i'm anxious and a bit nervous to see what it's like. will it be easier with help available? will it be harder since we do things a little different?  will i want to hide away and do it myself? what will it be like for eliza?

i want this kid's baby days to be as close to eliza's as possible, but of course that is not a reality. i did take a break from paper lullaby. i needed time with eliza, and to give fawn as much attention as i could, since it will already be shared with eliza. i just needed to get back to my sahm days, and not my wahm ones.

ready or not, fawn is coming soon!

and for is my latest belly shot. three bumps, all at 35 weeks (or close to it, since delia came early)


Denise Zirbel said...

Awww, you look great! I know what you mean about being done, crabby, leave me alone and everything else feeling. The thought of doing it again to have more children...NOT. I wanted to be done at 35 and I was, I had 3 children and was 33. But I guess not...I was 37 when Andrew came (turned 38 2 months later)!
BUT - I wouldn't change anything! Doug wanted 2, I wanted 4 but was willing to settle for 3. God decided I needed the 4th. It all works out, it's all good and soon you will be nuzzling a new little one. Soon you will marvel at how Eliza looks next to Fawn. Life will be different but in a good way for everyone. Eliza will surprise you in many ways from being helpful to being stubborn out of jealousy. Life will move forward as always though.

Anonymous said...

I stumbled upon your blog last night. I don't even remember how. I was up till 2am, immersed in your thoughts. You are so inspirational, brave, I admire you so. I am so sorry for the loss of your babies. I look forward to reading more and following your journey. You have touched my life already.

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