Tuesday, November 15, 2011

growing up fast.

it seems like many times in my life i've been "the baby."

i have 3 older brothers.

my first summer at lakeview i was one of the younger ones.

most jobs i held i was the kid amongst the older employees.

various groups of friends i was the little sister type.

it just fit. i was used to it.

each birthday i had i kept thinking "the numbers are going up, but i don't feel older." i felt like i was always stuck in the late 90's early 2000 era. i just didn't feel like i was getting older.

even after living on my own, getting married, buying a house, getting pregnant, miscarrying, having a baby, having a toddler. i still felt like people see me as a young one.

that changed fast.

i feel like i grew up so much this summer.

it wasn't the move from another country. it wasn't buying a (second) house. it was losing her.

that isn't something that happens to people my age.

we shouldn't have to think about burial options.

we shouldn't have to pick up a death certificate.

or meet with the thrivent guy to talk about her life insurance.

we shouldn't have to make these awful decisions.

i remember sitting in the funeral home the day after she came and left. the director was asking us for information for the obituaries. i kept thinking "i shouldn't be answering this. this is something adults do. i am not an adult. my mom should be here. she knows the answers. i am NOT an adult."

but i am. 28 years, but it wasn't until that week this summer that it hit.

i'm an adult.

there are adult decisions to be made. there are great losses to bear. silver hairs to wrinkle my nose at. children to love. children to miss.


tristan said...

it's true. grown ups now. i've started realizing the same for myself... i can't call my dad to make the final call for me or give me his pro and con list...
<3 you are a good grown up. you are setting an incredible example not only for eliza but for me too. <3

Anonymous said...

You'll always be my little sister though! Love you!

Emily Cook said...

So. True.

Suffering grows you up quick. And we can't grow back little again, as much as we'd like to. Not this side of heaven, anyway.

Anonymous said...

That is exactly what I was thinking when I saw you last and hadn't seen you in a long time...."little shelly"
is all grown up....and endured so much too soon....hang in there...
Aunty Kathi

Natalie said...

True suffering makes us grow up too fast and realize things we never wanted to know. You are strong and brave. <3

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