Sunday, November 9, 2008

comfort and support.

since i still don't feel like typing much, i'll copy and paste a few messages or e-mails i shared. for those who would like to know what happened, or hear how we have been comforted.

i went to the doctor today, and they couldn't find a heartbeat. they did an ultrasound, sent me to the hospital, they did another, and discovered that the baby stopped growing at 8 weeks. (i was almost 12)

so i have to go have a d&c on wednesday. my body still doesn't know, or hasn't recognized the loss. no bleeding, nothing. i was still getting pregnancy symptoms. 8 weeks was before our first doctor's appointment. almost a month ago, that freaks me out.

and since it hasn't fully happened yet, they are taking care of it on wednesday. they said i could let my body run it's course, but they don't recommend it because there is a risk for infection. i just feel like i am going in for an abortion, and that makes me sick.

they said since it happened so early it wasn't anything i did, or could have done to prevent it. more than likely the baby had downs, or turner's syndrome, and this was nature's way of protecting us. doctor called it nature, i say God.

it's all in God's plan. it wasn't our plan to get pregnant! it has been His plan all along. that is a comfort.

and an e-mail i sent home...

my friend called me tonight. she didn't know that i had been missing grandma and grandpa a lot more as of late.

and when she heard our most recent news she said..."shel, take comfort. just think, your grandpa is up there right now holding your baby with a big smile on his face."

it made me feel so much better. i had been praying for God to cradle our little one, but then i just got this image of grandma, grandpa, and james' grandma huddled around oohing and ahhing over there new great grandbaby.

i told james this and he said "but he was just a little thing" holding his fingers out to show how small the baby was.

i smiled and said "hey! grandpa can finally say that he really did hold a baby in the palm of his hand, and it's true this time!" (for those who don't know, after holding emma, he told everyone at the nursing home that he held her all day "just like this" and he held out his hand)

taking comfort in those moments.

thank you for your kind words. wish i could be with all of you gathered around sunday dinner. comfort food.

that same friend also told me that the only thing our baby ever knew was my warm belly, and the awesomeness of God's paradise. a place we all want to be.

that was a cool thought. our baby didn't have to experience this world. a world filled with pain, and hate, and cruel things.

just love. everlasting love.

since talking to her i have felt better. family being here and distracting me has helped, and james has been more than i can ask for. he is too wonderful. i have to remind myself to check on him, because it's his baby we lost too.

our pastor prayed for us in church this morning, and the church ladies were full of hugs, baked goods, and prayers. many of them shared that they had been through this too. i am so thankful for our church home.

then there are all the messages from all of you, emails, calls, texts. they help us smile, and remind us we are not alone.

this week will be tough, wednesday is going to be hard, so keep praying.

ahhh. guess i had some words in me.

thank you everyone. for your kindness. for being you.


krista/ralf said...

shel, you and james are loved. i'm glad you had someone to comfort you in a way that i couldn't bring to words, only thru prayer. i'll be thinking about you a lot this week. let me know if there's anything i can do from afar. you. and ever.

Dyan said...

Shel even though it does hurt I kept thinking that God was just calling his child home he just needed another angel. I do hope that you and James heal and when the time is right you will have your babies and they will be beautiful!!! I'm and miss you!!!

4kids4 said...

Shel, thank you for sharing.
always in our thoughts and prayers:)

dobovo said...

you have a lot of love to give and a lot of love to be gotten. you have strength, and perseverance, and hope inside of you and coming at you from all directions. plus church ladies bringing you baked goods. there is nothing that you can't handle when you have all that. be sad for a little while. and then be happy again. short or long, life is good.

Meg said...

You are such a strong and awesome person in that you know this was all part of God's plan and you still give Him the glory. Been praying for you and still praying for you! Love.

Erin said...

I know that I have no words to help with what you are going through right now, but I am so thankful you have the love and support of your family. I hope this support eases the pain of Wed. Know that your baby is in a wonderful place right now and know that when the time is right, God will make sure you get to hold a baby in your arms.

Vanessa said...

I love everything you wrote. You are truly an inspiration and I admire you for so many reasons. You are one tough cookie.
Thoughts and prayers everyday to you and James...
<3 Noles

Anonymous said...

Shel, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Reading your last blog brought tears to my eyes...I cannot even begin to imagine having to deal with what you two are going through. I am so thankful that you have such great friends and family to get you guys through this difficult time. Your words and theirs are an inspiration to all.

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