Sunday, February 26, 2012

slumber party with my best toddler.

eliza and i are up watching the dogs while nana and papa are meeting and spending time with their newest granddaughter aelah mae.

i give her the option of sleeping in nana's bed (a king size waterbed) or her bed (a bottom bunk)

she usually says her bed. the first night she slept there, and for the first time in quite awhile i slept in another room, but last night she wanted to sleep with the dogs. so nana's bed it was!

she demanded that macy stay with her and cried when "macko" (magglio) followed me out.

when i finally came to bed she was awake and said "my bed." i asked her if she wanted to move and she nodded yes. then said "you tomin' mommy?"

how could i resist. so we ditched the dogs and snuggled close in the twin bed.

she was so cute smiling and getting all situated.

i felt like we were best friends and about to share pillow secrets.

it lasted a little while then she hid and said "doh way mommy." (go away)

thanks bean!

ftr i stayed...and she still snuggled with me.

remember when i promised a birthday post.

for eliza's 2nd birthday...almost 6 months ago?

well, you can check out her kite themed party here!


at least it came before her 3rd!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

six months.

sweet delia,

how has it been that long since you had to leave?

since we heard your tiny cry.

and saw your beautiful face.

we think of you every single day.

our love for you keeps growing.

our longing to hold you never ceases.

you will always be our little newbean.

keep sending us rainbows...i'm looking up.

i love you sweet delia,


an open letter to all my pregnant friends,

be patient with me. i'm trying.

without a doubt i am happy for you...but it's also hard for me. i know more people pregnant now than when i did with eliza, and then i knew 34. there are a lot of you. it seems every single day i hear about another pregnancy.

with each one it makes me miss her and our other two babies even more. it's not that i want A baby. i want OUR baby(ies)

i don't want to be pregnant. i just did that. i don't want to go through it again so soon. it's tiring, but still i'm jealous.

i want to hold her in my arms. i want to see our love grow.

it's hard for me to see everyone get pregnant and have healthy babies. not that i would wish pain on any of you, but i don't understand why it comes over and over for us. why can't we have a normal pregnancy.

i know we are blessed with eliza. she reminds me everyday that "yes, we can have a (fairly) normal child." i know people have it worse. i ache for them. i may not know that sort of pain, but i know mine, and i know it's real.

i want to be excited for you. i want to smile. i don't want to be bitter and jealous, but i am.

i hope you understand.

i wrote this after my brother and sister-in-law told me they were pregnant. i was wrestling with my feelings. they understand and i am so thankful.

Monday, February 20, 2012

can i ask you a favor?!

eta - the date of "that ultrasounnd" was 11may2011 and her birth and heaven day was 23august2011, funeral 25august2011. if it helps you in your hunt!

i'm trying to get my life in some sort of order. finding a peace.

i've never been behind on putting pics in photo albums, and i won't even tell you where i left off.

i always journaled.

i needed it. i needed to document things.

tonight i had to let go that i was never going to catch up on blogs. my google reader was swamped ever since we moved home. somewhere around july i lost it.

so i'm asking. please, if you wrote anything about delia, either when she was born, or when we first heard about that ultrasound leave a link here.

i need to keep her posts close to me.

i want to hear you talk about her.

if you did multiple ones, and used a tag, just leave that link.

please. help!

here is hoping i can keep up with blogs now that i have a fresh start.

i'm already breathing easier seeing that empty box, but i'm so afraid of what i missed in your lives too!

let me know if there is something i HAVE to read!

Sunday, February 19, 2012

my world.

james actually had a busy week at work (the beard is required, but he is loving it. not often an army guy gets told to grow one!) so he didn't see eliza much at all.

he also didn't get over to the house for a lot of work. he was over there so much before making it ours that eliza started calling it "daddy's house"

we can't wait for all of us to be together consistently again. (is that possible in the army?)

that had a weekend of catching up and this mama loved it. not only did i get some (much needed!) alone time, but i got catch moments like this.

and then my heart burst.

i was sick last night, so he got up with her so she could go to sunday school and they could go to church. he dressed her, packed her bag and left without any questions. just a "go show mommy...see if you look okay!"

i was so proud. she looked cute and her hair was brushed!

i said on fb and it's so true...i love dad's of daughters.

there isn't much sweeter!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

happy valentine's day!


that's "i love you" for those not fluent in toddler. "eye" because she always points to her eyes when she says it. :) or she used's fading as she grows.

she colored and stickered the back of 30-some valentines. adding her personal touch to these.

it was so fun seeing her hand them out.

i'm sure next year she'll be picking ones herself. for now, i'm having fun!

my (other) valentine just got home from work with flowers and wine. he's been working too much lately. makes me feel like an actual army wife again!

it could be worse...

Saturday, February 11, 2012

please always call it a bathing "soup."

i told her to find some underwear. she had other plans...

nothing like a spontaneous saturday morning swim bubble bath!
then i heard her in there singing "do want to sing wiff me? w,x,y,z"


Thursday, February 9, 2012

dear eliza,

shortly after we took these pictures tonight...

(i love your face in the last one. also you were the one that started lining up letters. you had the liz, not in order, but still!)

you randomly counted to 10.

it completely surprised me. we never pushed you to do "tricks" point to body parts, animal sounds, etc. we let you figure it out and THEN we, i mean i, made you do them over and over.

i think enola helped you learn this trick. she is awfully smart and you love to imitate her. it's definitely a monkey see, monkey do relationship!

i am so proud of you! after i picked my jaw up i tried to get it on video. you skipped a few, but still said most of them.

this early childhood development degree having mama is still beaming.

i love watching you grow, explore, and learn!

her first "big movie"

we wanted to take eliza to the movies a few weeks ago with enola, but they were going at 7 and eliza is usually sleeping by then so we passed.

we made plans for a family day out, and we finally got to go last saturday to the 10 am showing.
perfect time. before nap. only two other families in the theater. nice and relaxed.

she loved it. we loved it. she kept her glasses on most of the time.
enjoyed popcorn, chocolate milk and candy hearts. what a treat!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

breaking my heart.

as we walked out the door i told her "mommy has to go to the doctor today."

when we got there i said "let's go potty before we check in."

as she sat there she pointed at the door and said "mommy. delia?"

she will say that when she picks up her sister's blanket, or sees my bracelet, or her bunny...

i looked around and didn't see anything that she would have said that to. my bracelet was covered. it was an empty room.

i asked "delia?"

"mommy delia. see delia?"

"see delia?"

"yes. we see delia?! delia's house?" with her brow furrowed.

ignore it so i don't cry.

an hour later we are back in the waiting room waiting for blood work.

"mommy! delia! delia?"

i scan the room trying to find something that is triggering this. another baby, a blanket like hers, a toy, something.

"see delia?"

"no. honey. not today, she's in heaven. remember?"

get called back into the lab.

"hi cutie!" proceeds to get things ready and asks eliza all sorts of questions.

"do you have any brothers or sisters?"

there is that question again, and her don't-skip-a-beat reply "yes!"

this time i was strong enough to answer when she asked me if that was true.

"in heaven."

"you have a sister that watches over you? that's special, i do too! she was older than me though."

Lord, thank you for giving me the strength not to lose it over and over today. thank you for kind nurses. and especially for the love of sisters.

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