Thursday, February 23, 2012

an open letter to all my pregnant friends,

be patient with me. i'm trying.

without a doubt i am happy for you...but it's also hard for me. i know more people pregnant now than when i did with eliza, and then i knew 34. there are a lot of you. it seems every single day i hear about another pregnancy.

with each one it makes me miss her and our other two babies even more. it's not that i want A baby. i want OUR baby(ies)

i don't want to be pregnant. i just did that. i don't want to go through it again so soon. it's tiring, but still i'm jealous.

i want to hold her in my arms. i want to see our love grow.

it's hard for me to see everyone get pregnant and have healthy babies. not that i would wish pain on any of you, but i don't understand why it comes over and over for us. why can't we have a normal pregnancy.

i know we are blessed with eliza. she reminds me everyday that "yes, we can have a (fairly) normal child." i know people have it worse. i ache for them. i may not know that sort of pain, but i know mine, and i know it's real.

i want to be excited for you. i want to smile. i don't want to be bitter and jealous, but i am.

i hope you understand.

i wrote this after my brother and sister-in-law told me they were pregnant. i was wrestling with my feelings. they understand and i am so thankful.


Kristin said...

Such normal feelings. Hugs to you, friend. I hope your time comes so very soon. You need a break.

Emily Cook said...

You have an ache, a wound (more than one, really) ... it should not be a surprise that you cannot do (or feel) the things you would without it.

It is good to know that about yourself, and it is ok to protect yourself from some of those things that cause the wound to ache again (baby showers, etc).

Praying for you- may God uphold you during this season of aching.

sarah said...

once again, sister, i admire you for your honesty & vulnerability. you are fiercely loved & prayed for. lifting you & your precious family to the Lord- praying His peace for you. so much love.

Laura said...

Your feelings are totally understandable. I can't even imagine what you are going through. You are often in my thoughts and prayers. With much love. Laura

Anonymous said...

I so admire you for how open and honest you are about your feelings. I am so proud to call you my daughter in law!

Amy and Mark said...

I thank you for saying what you feel. I am sure that God is using your words to help heal the hearts of others - even though I am sure you would rather him use you a different way.

This post makes me think of one I wrote, then quickly deleted, while we were in the middle of fertility treatments and everyone in our lives had babies. Thank you for being more brave than me and for helping others feel as well.

Love you

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