Wednesday, October 26, 2011

all in His plan.

at my 6 week postpartum appointment my doctor said "and do we want to talk about birth control?"

i smiled and said "nope."

she smiled back and said "well, i'm supposed to tell you in situations like this that you should wait 6 months. that being are adults and you are going to do whatever you want anyway."

i nodded and said "yep. we'll leave it up to Him. we were told to wait three months after the miscarriage and got pregnant that first cycle and that turned out pretty good for us." (thinking of our crazy 2 year old at home)

so...we put it in His hands.

then i got tired. really tired. and i wondered. and i peed on a stick.

and we saw two pink lines.

one faint, but it was there.

i'm shocked. excited. terrified.

we have always shared as soon as we find out. i figure we would tell people if we lost the baby anyway, this way we have more people praying for us.

so pray. pray. pray. pray.

i also got to thinking how crazy it is. with baby, it was one cycle. with eliza it was one cycle. with this one, one cycle.

when i hoped to be pregnant again (before delia) i assumed it would happen right away. that was the pattern thus far.

i wanted 2 under 2. my whole life that is what i dreamed of. kids close in age.

james had to leave and be in the field for those important ;) days.

and God said. "in My time."

then i wanted to be pregnant asap.

and He said. "in My time."

then it happened, but God still had other plans.

the family i had in my head? forever changed.

God sure showed me Who is in control though.

He had a plan for delia. her short life has changed lives. she needed to be. we needed her.

i have to continue to trust.

no matter what the outcome.

i hope she's up there sporting her big sister shirt.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

oh those fifs.

vanessa aka noles wrote about them before. it's been a couple years since then, and we are still going strong.

now, i'm not saying this to discount my irl (in real life) friends. they have been wonderful through everything too. my family, of course has been more than awesome.

there is just something amazing about fifs (freaky internet friends)

they are there. every. single. day.

one was there at the hospital when delia was born. she drove down from michigan to just sit in the waiting room and be there. she never expected to be welcomed into my room, but she had to be there. my family was floored. wait...what? you never met her before?

another one (that lives closer and that i had met before) came to delia's funeral. took time away from her own baby to come and meet mine. to be there for me. to hug me.

they send the most beautiful, thoughtful gifts. send texts. share rainbow pictures. are there all hours of the day (great thing about timezones and night shifts)

(it has a mama bird on the other side. the two eggs/pearls are for baby and delia.)

i still can't get over it.

the scary internet has given me some of the greatest friends! i just wish i could express to them how much they mean to me. what a blessing they have been these last 4 years.

i love you hoars. :) yes. hoars. spelled like that.

Monday, October 10, 2011

still makes me smile.

at some point after that ultrasound i remember thinking "i'm so bummed i will never be able to show her nana and papa's reaction videos"

it was the best pregnancy announcement and we had it caught on film. after we recorded it and laughed over and over i thought "this kid will love seeing this someday."

i thought of them again today. i hope she's up there laughing as i sit here smiling and watching. remembering a time of innocence and pure joy.

you can see them in this post if you haven't.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011


here's the thing that really bothers me when people first hear about anencephaly. it's something not said, but you get a feeling.

when told what causes it (low folic acid) you feel them judging you. "well, why didn't you take folic acid?"

i did. i did for months before i peed on that stick.

it's something you struggle with as a mom. that your body failed. you don't need strangers making you feel guilty too.

but you know what? even though i was sick almost everyday of my pregnancy, throwing up pills and wondering why i took them in the first place. all of the important development already occurred before i even knew i was pregnant. when i was still keeping those pills down.

it's not something i could have prevented.

that's why it's hard to know that next time i have to take a prescription of folic acid. one pill equals 12.5 of the otc kind.

why can't we just start with that? would that have prevented it from happening at all?

we are educated today. we know that you should take prenatals. even though we take them, tragic things still happen.

don't judge women and assume that it's something that they did wrong.

it's not, and you just add to their pain.

october 15th is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. we remember all of those babies that were taken from us too soon.

a group of us online have joined together and are trying to raise awareness about anencephaly. i hate that spell check doesn't even recognize it every time i type it.

people need to know.

we combined the colors from pregnancy and infant loss (blue and pink) and neural tube defects (green)

i drew up this awareness ribbon and we want everyone to know what it means. we want word to spread.

anencephaly awareness.

"there is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world."

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