Thursday, December 29, 2011

here lately.

in pictures.

i juiced with my attachment from james for Christmas.

eliza rocked a poncho and moccasins.

we went downtown for lunch with grannie and grandpa. eliza also got to swim at the hotel they stayed at. i loved it because i had a few free days. :)

i snuggled with mr. jude.

eliza worked the side pony with a side of sass.

she was super snuggly today. judging by that and the fact that many of her cousins have been sick, i'd say something is coming her way!for now, i'll enjoy the snuggles. in between my new healthy living kick. if you want to follow that blog let me know. it's private, but i need help from readers to keep me accountable!happy day!and yes, i forgot "from where i'm standing" this week. well, i didn't forget, i just didn't have time. enjoying all that me time. :)

Sunday, December 25, 2011

merry Christmas!

hope it's filled with joy!

love. - james, shel, baby, eliza, delia, and pebble

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

from where i'm standing...

i see...

  • stockings that grew from 6 to 17.
  • beautiful hanger made by papa.
  • an empty stocking for the youngest.
  • a box that holds an ornament in memory of her.
  • cousins...lots of cousins.
  • joy that is sure to come when dumping the contents out.
  • a church pew my ma bought with money from her mom.
  • a pew that filled with love on thanksgiving.
  • pictures. old and new.

i feel...

  • anxiety for Christmas without her.
  • love for all those hanging.
  • joy for having such a big (and growing!) family.
  • tears streaming.
  • that i just need to see her and her big sister together in matching dresses.
  • love from them...for her. for us.

add your link. share your own on your blog. link back to this list. so they can all be in one place.

from where i'm standing...

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

story time.

eliza went to her first one in korea right around her first birthday. it became a weekly thing. i enjoyed the story, craft, snack and visiting with other army wives. she enjoyed the snack and seeing friends. rarely did she sit for a whole book or jump into the craft.

by the time we left i had taken over leading so it was even more of an excuse for her to climb through the bookshelves and not listen. i couldn't reel her in while trying to read or lead a craft to the more attentive kids.

when we came back here i knew we had to find something similar. mostly for my sanity. i needed something to break up a day of stay-at-home-mom life.

so i hopped on the library's website and quickly saw just how different it is in the states.

i had to reserve a spot for her two weeks in advance! the next couple were already full. what? so i did, with a little reservation that we were in for some serious story time and she wouldn't care at all.

i'm sure it's the year difference. being a mature two year old and all she now sits so attentively. it's more structured and there are songs and little activities.

i've come to realize that this wild child that looks just like me, but acts the complete opposite of how i'm told i was, does have a bit more of me in her.

she looks to be a little teacher's pet.

last week they played with shaker eggs. they were told to come up and get one. after a few songs she said "okay, now bring them back up here" i thought "yea right, you are going to have to pry that from her fingers...prepare for meltdown mode." nope, eliza stands up, runs over, puts it in the box, and comes back smiling to her mat. ummm what?

same thing when they played with scarves later. a couple songs and she returned it without a fight.

this week after they got the eggs and did one song eliza hopped up anticipating that the leader was going to tell them to return it only to realize they still had two more songs. same thing with the scarves. it was like she wanted to show her she knew what came next.

okay lady, tell me your secrets! i'm sure it has nothing to do with you just not being her mom. why wouldn't she want to listen to the mommy she loves so much, the one who does everything for her?

don't answer that!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

from where i'm standing...

i see...

  • the same cocoa butter lotion brand i've used since high school.
  • lotion that the nurses used on delia that i later bought so i could sniff her smell.
  • bracelets for delia from some very special people.
  • a pin for anencephaly awareness.
  • a diaper that has stayed dry 3 nights in a row.
  • soap that i used after my last tattoo, delia's tattoo.
  • a reflection of a me that has been through too much.
  • a reflection of a me i don't recognize.
  • the shirt i wore to delia's funeral. the only shirt of mine she touched.
  • a phone that i waited a long time for and had to cover with a ridiculous case because i'm known to drop things.
  • medicine that nursed eliza back to health the last time she was sick.
i hear...
  • complete silence. it's tuesday. aunt whitney took eliza home when she picked up her girls. so i had a day to myself!
i feel...
  • refreshed for getting some me time.
  • like this apartment was too empty without eliza.
  • that i had too much time to think about things.
  • anxious.
add your link. share your own on your blog. link back to this list. so they can all be in one place.

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from where i'm standing...

Thursday, December 8, 2011

slowly getting it.

eliza was 20 months when we found out about delia's anencephaly.

she was there in the room for that ultrasound.

she saw how upset we were. she saw us break.

she was there with us those first few rough days.

i know she was too little to understand, but i always wondered how this would affect her.

she knew something was wrong. she didn't understand the magnitude of it, but she knew.

she was at the hospital the night delia came. proudly wearing her big sister jammies.

she met her. she cried. she wanted nothing to do with her.

she sat in the second row at her sister's funeral.

she talked during the service. especially when uncle joshua played his guitar and sang. pointing at him "dosh! dosh!"

she ran around the church beforehand without a care. it was like she didn't know she was supposed to be sad. her sister was here after all!

she kicked her while we tried to get family pictures.

she joked around, she used a polly pocket as a photo bomb and made her look at the camera.

she kept us smiling.

she waved goodbye and said "bye bye" after the service when we took her up to the cradle to see her sister one last time.

she won't remember those days, but it has to change the way her life is.

after delia passed i noticed she became more affectionate. she picked up on what everyone else was doing.

when her aunt adrienne was looking at delia's photo album and crying eliza went over and put her hand on adrienne's knee and started rubbing it while looking at the pics too.

she had to of seen someone do that earlier.

she also started patting your back when she gives you a hug. it's the sweetest thing.

my mom has asked us often if we think she wonders about her. honestly, we don't. mom has said "do you think she wonders why enola's baby sister lives with her, but hers doesn't?"

i think she's too young to get it.

i know there will come a time when she does though. those will be hard questions to answer.

she hears delia's name every day. there are pictures around, she's in our bedtime prayers, she has her book, we talk about her.

she hands me delia's blanket and says "mommy's." she knows i sleep with it.

she plays with delia's stuffed animals, but knows not to chew on them.

she uses her cradle as a step into our bed.

she will repeat her name, but never had she brought it up on her own.

she's said "baybee" while looking at pictures, but not delia at random. she has asked to see pictures, but it's always "baybee"

i made her a bracelet today. a simple reminder of her sister. while i tied it on i explained the three colors and what they stand for (neural tube defects and infant loss) i told her it was for delia.

she held up her hand and said "fo deewa!"

hours later as we wrestled before bed she fell on the floor, put her hand down to catch herself, noticed the bracelet and said "deewa! deewa!"


she's getting it.

cooler heads.

after going to bed infuriated, waking up still annoyed and hurt i had a different thought as i got ready to head to the store.

i placed my awareness pin on my dress and said "thank you harry's law."

yes, the same one i was cursing last night.

thank you for getting that word out there.

thank you for making me want someone to ask me what that pin is for.

maybe they watched your show. maybe they were misinformed, but maybe they were curious.

maybe they want to know more. maybe they will ask questions. maybe it will open the door.

as delia's mama i am proud. proud of her life, her fight, her tiny cry that was far too short.

it is my job to honor her. not fear the questions, but to educate the ignorant.

questions? just ask. i'm still healing, but more than anything i just love my little girl. i want to share her life.

she touched so many lives while she was in my belly, and in my arms. that doesn't have to end.


there is a show on nbc, called harry's law. (we don't have tv so i am out of the loop)

apparently, they had an episode about a baby with anencephaly.

the mother was accused of killing her baby.

apparently, they compared the baby to a house plant.

and said that their organs dry up from malnourishment.

as a mom who has been there. who has asked the doctor that very question "will she starve to death?" with the fear of the answer, i am livid.

i was very saddened to see this new on my support group.

i cannot imagine what i would have felt if i saw it myself.

if i was pregnant when it aired. if i was having those fears and here a tv show trivialized them.

apparently, someone didn't do their research.

we want to get awareness out there. many people probably heard that word for the first time tonight.

and here they will go on not knowing that the show was wrong.

they won't know that these babies are blessings. that they are nothing like a houseplant. that they are babies, just like all the "normal" ones.

they are ours, and they deserve all the love in the world.

* i linked to their fb page. if you feel so inclined, pay them a visit, tell them what they did was wrong, tell them about delia, tell them they need to research, tell them anything.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

from where i'm standing...

i see...

  • new sub-floors.
  • a little girl with a fluff on her head that likes to "help" build.
  • floor joists that will hold up her bedroom.
  • space to dance.
  • a lot of work done by my husband.
  • more work done by friends and family.
  • memories already.
  • this house becoming our home.
  • the doorway to our guest bathroom.
  • dreams of what it will be.

take a picture. list what you see. link up and add your own!

don't forget to grab this button!

from where i'm standing...

and the song that has been stuck in my head...

too cool.

aunt cori made these leg warmers for eliza's birthday.

she knows she's cool.

she can get them on by herself now too!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

tismas tees!

or Christmas trees for those who don't speak 2 year old!

after a morning of shopping, granddaughter watching, and working on the house, (i will let you figure out who did what) we took a break to pick up our trees!

it was so warm, but we still enjoyed apple cider! after a few pictures and getting the perfect two trees, we went on a buggy ride. lisa and kathy were the horses that pulled us. it was a nice time, can't wait to decorate!

the bff's checking out the trees.

wagon ride excitement!

overjoyed. truly!

dav and whit!

grown up bff's!

nana and papa with three of their grandkids!

my phone took better pics than my camera did today. i think someone got fingerprints all over the lens of my point and shoot. not naming any names!

it's easy to post from my phone too, so i might try to get back to sharing random happenings.

happy december!

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