Wednesday, September 28, 2011

a due date.

it doesn't mean a whole lot when you are pregnant. not many people actually have their baby on their due date.

it's a date that sticks with you though.

when i'm pregnant i use that date as a marker. if i see a commercial on tv and it's advertising a movie that comes after that date i think "wow. we will have our baby by then!" "our life will be completely different by that date."

today has been a date i've been dreading.

it reminds me of how much more time we "should" have had together.

james and i were talking the other day. guys are so different from girls, in case you didn't know. i asked him if he still thinks about delia all the time. he said it's been happening less and less. i shouldn't be surprised by that. when i was pregnant with eliza i asked him "do you think about the baby all the time? or the fact that i'm pregnant?" he didn't really. i was surprised since that is ALL i could think about all day long, but i've learned. they are just different and that is okay. that's what makes this whole thing work.

delia is still all i think about. she's on my mind all day. the last few weeks i kept thinking "i should still be pregnant." "i should still feel her." "she should be here."

i felt so empty. we were supposed to have more time.

it's not fair.

yet once again, God reminds me of life in her death.

the date of that ultrasound? my brother's 30th birthday.

my due date? my sister's (in law if you want to be technical) birthday.

that is what i will try to focus on when these two dates roll around. life.

delia does have life in her death. a new life. one far better than these on earth.

and she reminds us in every rainbow she paints. (she's still painting by the way!)

trying. trying to remember that.

5 comments:

momv said...

i like the thought she is painting for all of us, and yes i still think of her everyday, and today on her due date and tams birthday especially...God's peace to you today and in the coming days, love mom

Big Papa said...

delia does have life in her death. a new life. one far better than these on earth.
Amen.

nancy said...

every.single.day.

Jennie Pie said...

Shell, I just can't get over how hard this must be. I would be a wreck and I'm sure you are too sometimes, but it seems like you also have a lot of strength. Again, I'm so sorry for all that has happened. But she is an angel looking down over you all!!!!

xoxo,

Jen

Amy and Mark said...

Shel - We were driving Wednesday night. We had rain to the east, sunshine in the west, and in the middle a beautiful paiting by your little girl. We are so thankful God gave her your heart for sharing and your amazing artistic abilities!

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