always.

from where i'm standing...

2012-01-24T23:20:00.005-05:00

or in this case...sitting.

i see...

three littles that are growing up more like sisters than cousins.
a favorite toy that has provided lots of entertainment.
a dress up doll eliza gave me, and she used the underwear as a hat!
creative minds.
baby deandra that is exploring a lot these days.
my favorite couch quilt that aunt steph made for our wedding.
lots and lots of polka dots.
scheming between bffs.

i feel...

joy because today was a zillion times better than yesterday.
peace since they decided to not fight.
love growing watching them play together.
defensive when they leave deandra out.
pride for all the ways eliza makes me laugh.
like one little is missing.
happiness when eliza asks to "watch delia" (her movie) like she did moments after this was taken.
sore legs from the run i just finished.
wet hair from the shower i actually got to take.
gratitude for whitney coming early so both of those were possible.
like it's going to be a happy tuesday.

add your link. share your own on your blog. link back to this list. so they can all be in one place.

gymnast.

2012-01-24T00:33:00.001-05:00

she is signed up for her first class.

we bought her leotard today.

had to find something to make it her own too.

rainbow leggings seemed right.

the cashier said "oh! are you a dancer?!"

she proudly replied "yes!"

papa asked her about what she is going to learn.

somersaults? jumping? balancing? to stand on your head?

her face turned from excited to what i can only describe as "wtf?"

you could see it register in her head what he just said and she got the "wait. what?" face on.

it was hilarious.

can't wait to see her in action!

flashback.

2012-01-22T13:09:00.002-05:00

eliza took me back to those early days last night.

walked in to find her snoozing away in our bed.

the image on the left flashed in my head and i knew i had to snap another.

:sigh: my baby.

this and that.

2012-01-20T12:46:00.007-05:00

this is her favorite corner in the apartment.

on the counter right above it is "tandy!"

she is my daughter. she loves candy!

we walked into the post office the other day. she knows which lady has candy. unfortunately the line led us to a different employee. we get up there and she just tells the lady "i want a ducker!"

(she did get one, after saying please and thank you!)

another favorite thing to say, that i would rather forget goes like this.

"mommy, i want dis!"

"what's this?"

"dat. i want dat."

"i don't know what dat is."

"it's dis!"

:bangs head:

i wonder if it's as frustrating for her to not having all her words yet as it is for us!

from where i'm standing...

2012-01-17T22:00:00.004-05:00

i see...

lots of flooding.
a reminder of the crazy weather.
tops of trees.
my view from when i run.
freedom to run without many cars or houses.
clouds that remind me of her, and make me curious as to what she's up to up there.

i feel...

tired from said run.
proud for keeping with c25k for 4 weeks.
energized.
a peace from getting out alone.
a warm breeze in january!

add your link. share your own on your blog. link back to this list.

bath and bed.

2012-01-14T20:29:00.005-05:00

i want to remember this stage.

she fills her hands with bubbles and blows.

i remember pretending it was my birthday cake and i had candles to wish on.

she practices floating and is already better than me. (i think the belly helps)

i find her just laying back and relaxing. not a care in the world.

she slips back and says "ahhhh" like she has had a long day.

she flips over and says "i timmin! i timmin mommy!" (swimming)

she climbs out by herself and i wrap her in a pink bunny towel from art box in korea.

pink bunnies are her favorite, you know.

if she's not in that one it's a towel that aunt tammy made. she walks around saying "tammy towel?!"

she hops in her bed on the floor (it's temporary until we get in the house) and requests her bunny and puppy be in their sleeping bag.

she grabs her blanket and listens to a story. repeating as many words that she can.

she folds her tiny hands and tries to say her prayers.

she has the "God bless daddy, mommy, baby, eliza, delia, and pebble" down. she always forgets "power" in "for thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory"

she holds our heads and pulls us closer for kisses.

she alternates mommy kiss, daddy kiss, mommy kiss, daddy kiss...

if daddy isn't home she still turns toward where he would be and kisses the air in between my kisses.

she points to her eyes when she says "i uff to!" (i love you)

it's my favorite time of day. :)

the night of may 11th.

2012-01-06T21:14:00.003-05:00

i go back there randomly. it was the night after that ultrasound.

the hardest night of my life.

a night of wrestling with God. with myself.

a friend posted a link to an article posted by a woman who worked at planned parenthood.

it described a procedure that changed her life. seeing an abortion happen through an ultrasound.

the images she described made me sick.

then i was taken back.

to when i asked the doctor "but she's alive, right?"

thankful i did.

ashamed that i ever considered their suggestion of terminating.

right back to that night of inner struggle.

i thought i knew what would be easier.

it still may have.

but we never would have held her.

and kissed those chubby cheeks.

and heard her tiny cry.

and saw her with her big sister.

examined her all over.

compared her hair color to eliza's.

watched her be baptized.

loved on her.

saw our family love on her.

been with her...in that moment.

the one that was too short.

however short...i am thankful.

thankful we thought it out.

listened to families concerns.

that i had a dream of her telling me it would be okay.

that james was there. physically and mentally. right there with me.

for that phone call in the morning from aunt steph.

i was reassured.

it would be okay.

even when it's not okay...it will be.

must be doing something right.

2012-01-06T16:34:00.001-05:00

last night during prayers i said "now i lay me" and eliza butted in "down to sleep" (or seep as she says)james and i just looked at eachother in surprise and pride.she will repeat parts of each prayer, but she never said a part by herself!

toddler responsibilities.

2012-01-02T17:17:00.003-05:00

a few weeks ago a search on pinterest gave me the idea for a chore chart.with a side eye from james because she's only 2. i started thinking.i knew i wanted magnets and something cute and simple.then i thought of my cousin's shop. she makes custom buttons. 100s of them for wedding favors. combined with her graphic design degree, i knew she would deliver on the cute factor.i told her what chores i wanted, some pics i thought of and let her go. she came up with this, and it was perfect!

i asked her to leave the pin part off so i could attach a magnet.

i originally wanted the chart part to be in a frame with a magnetic sheet in there, but the piece we bought to cut wasn't magnetic! so i improvised and came up with this.

hung it at her height on the fridge and tomorrow we'll start! i'll post the other part of this later. some people are against earning allowance for chores, but i want her to learn. helping out in our family and the importance of giving and saving with a bit to spend! we'll see how this goes with a 2 year old!

eta - i made little banks for her. still figuring out how much she will earn each week, but i want to make sure she sees the importance of giving and saving first.

i'll probably go to the bank and get a roll of nickles and she will get one for each chore and get to put two in each jar per day.

the chores i picked are mostly ones she already does. i just want her to be able to chart her progress. it will also help remind me to brush her teeth!

she got very excited this morning after feeding share (her fish) when she got to move the magnet.

let's see how long it lasts!

here lately.

2011-12-29T16:57:00.001-05:00

in pictures.

i juiced with my attachment from james for Christmas.

eliza rocked a poncho and moccasins.

we went downtown for lunch with grannie and grandpa. eliza also got to swim at the hotel they stayed at. i loved it because i had a few free days. :)

i snuggled with mr. jude.

eliza worked the side pony with a side of sass.

she was super snuggly today. judging by that and the fact that many of her cousins have been sick, i'd say something is coming her way!for now, i'll enjoy the snuggles. in between my new healthy living kick. if you want to follow that blog let me know. it's private, but i need help from readers to keep me accountable!happy day!and yes, i forgot "from where i'm standing" this week. well, i didn't forget, i just didn't have time. enjoying all that me time. :)

merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T09:32:00.001-05:00

hope it's filled with joy!love. - james, shel, baby, eliza, delia, and pebble

from where i'm standing...

2011-12-20T23:31:00.004-05:00

i see...

stockings that grew from 6 to 17.
beautiful hanger made by papa.
an empty stocking for the youngest.
a box that holds an ornament in memory of her.
cousins...lots of cousins.
joy that is sure to come when dumping the contents out.
a church pew my ma bought with money from her mom.
a pew that filled with love on thanksgiving.
pictures. old and new.

i feel...

anxiety for Christmas without her.
love for all those hanging.
joy for having such a big (and growing!) family.
tears streaming.
that i just need to see her and her big sister together in matching dresses.
love from them...for her. for us.

add your link. share your own on your blog. link back to this list. so they can all be in one place.

story time.

2011-12-14T23:14:00.001-05:00

eliza went to her first one in korea right around her first birthday. it became a weekly thing. i enjoyed the story, craft, snack and visiting with other army wives. she enjoyed the snack and seeing friends. rarely did she sit for a whole book or jump into the craft.

by the time we left i had taken over leading so it was even more of an excuse for her to climb through the bookshelves and not listen. i couldn't reel her in while trying to read or lead a craft to the more attentive kids.

when we came back here i knew we had to find something similar. mostly for my sanity. i needed something to break up a day of stay-at-home-mom life.

so i hopped on the library's website and quickly saw just how different it is in the states.

i had to reserve a spot for her two weeks in advance! the next couple were already full. what? so i did, with a little reservation that we were in for some serious story time and she wouldn't care at all.

i'm sure it's the year difference. being a mature two year old and all she now sits so attentively. it's more structured and there are songs and little activities.

i've come to realize that this wild child that looks just like me, but acts the complete opposite of how i'm told i was, does have a bit more of me in her.

she looks to be a little teacher's pet.

last week they played with shaker eggs. they were told to come up and get one. after a few songs she said "okay, now bring them back up here" i thought "yea right, you are going to have to pry that from her fingers...prepare for meltdown mode." nope, eliza stands up, runs over, puts it in the box, and comes back smiling to her mat. ummm what?

same thing when they played with scarves later. a couple songs and she returned it without a fight.

this week after they got the eggs and did one song eliza hopped up anticipating that the leader was going to tell them to return it only to realize they still had two more songs. same thing with the scarves. it was like she wanted to show her she knew what came next.

okay lady, tell me your secrets! i'm sure it has nothing to do with you just not being her mom. why wouldn't she want to listen to the mommy she loves so much, the one who does everything for her?

don't answer that!

from where i'm standing...

2011-12-13T23:49:00.006-05:00

i see...

the same cocoa butter lotion brand i've used since high school.
lotion that the nurses used on delia that i later bought so i could sniff her smell.
bracelets for delia from some very special people.
a pin for anencephaly awareness.
a diaper that has stayed dry 3 nights in a row.
soap that i used after my last tattoo, delia's tattoo.
a reflection of a me that has been through too much.
a reflection of a me i don't recognize.
the shirt i wore to delia's funeral. the only shirt of mine she touched.
a phone that i waited a long time for and had to cover with a ridiculous case because i'm known to drop things.
medicine that nursed eliza back to health the last time she was sick.

i hear...

complete silence. it's tuesday. aunt whitney took eliza home when she picked up her girls. so i had a day to myself!

i feel...

refreshed for getting some me time.
like this apartment was too empty without eliza.
that i had too much time to think about things.
anxious.

add your link. share your own on your blog. link back to this list. so they can all be in one place.

grab this button!

slowly getting it.

2011-12-08T21:13:00.014-05:00

eliza was 20 months when we found out about delia's anencephaly.

she was there in the room for that ultrasound.

she saw how upset we were. she saw us break.

she was there with us those first few rough days.

i know she was too little to understand, but i always wondered how this would affect her.

she knew something was wrong. she didn't understand the magnitude of it, but she knew.

she was at the hospital the night delia came. proudly wearing her big sister jammies.

she met her. she cried. she wanted nothing to do with her.

she sat in the second row at her sister's funeral.

she talked during the service. especially when uncle joshua played his guitar and sang. pointing at him "dosh! dosh!"

she ran around the church beforehand without a care. it was like she didn't know she was supposed to be sad. her sister was here after all!

she kicked her while we tried to get family pictures.

she joked around, she used a polly pocket as a photo bomb and made her look at the camera.

she kept us smiling.

she waved goodbye and said "bye bye" after the service when we took her up to the cradle to see her sister one last time.

she won't remember those days, but it has to change the way her life is.

after delia passed i noticed she became more affectionate. she picked up on what everyone else was doing.

when her aunt adrienne was looking at delia's photo album and crying eliza went over and put her hand on adrienne's knee and started rubbing it while looking at the pics too.

she had to of seen someone do that earlier.

she also started patting your back when she gives you a hug. it's the sweetest thing.

my mom has asked us often if we think she wonders about her. honestly, we don't. mom has said "do you think she wonders why enola's baby sister lives with her, but hers doesn't?"

i think she's too young to get it.

i know there will come a time when she does though. those will be hard questions to answer.

she hears delia's name every day. there are pictures around, she's in our bedtime prayers, she has her book, we talk about her.

she hands me delia's blanket and says "mommy's." she knows i sleep with it.

she plays with delia's stuffed animals, but knows not to chew on them.

she uses her cradle as a step into our bed.

she will repeat her name, but never had she brought it up on her own.

she's said "baybee" while looking at pictures, but not delia at random. she has asked to see pictures, but it's always "baybee"

i made her a bracelet today. a simple reminder of her sister. while i tied it on i explained the three colors and what they stand for (neural tube defects and infant loss) i told her it was for delia.

she held up her hand and said "fo deewa!"

hours later as we wrestled before bed she fell on the floor, put her hand down to catch herself, noticed the bracelet and said "deewa! deewa!"

:melt:

she's getting it.

cooler heads.

2011-12-08T11:47:00.002-05:00

after going to bed infuriated, waking up still annoyed and hurt i had a different thought as i got ready to head to the store.

i placed my awareness pin on my dress and said "thank you harry's law."

yes, the same one i was cursing last night.

thank you for getting that word out there.

thank you for making me want someone to ask me what that pin is for.

maybe they watched your show. maybe they were misinformed, but maybe they were curious.

maybe they want to know more. maybe they will ask questions. maybe it will open the door.

as delia's mama i am proud. proud of her life, her fight, her tiny cry that was far too short.

it is my job to honor her. not fear the questions, but to educate the ignorant.

questions? just ask. i'm still healing, but more than anything i just love my little girl. i want to share her life.

she touched so many lives while she was in my belly, and in my arms. that doesn't have to end.

apparently.

2011-12-08T00:36:00.004-05:00

there is a show on nbc, called harry's law. (we don't have tv so i am out of the loop)

apparently, they had an episode about a baby with anencephaly.

the mother was accused of killing her baby.

apparently, they compared the baby to a house plant.

and said that their organs dry up from malnourishment.

as a mom who has been there. who has asked the doctor that very question "will she starve to death?" with the fear of the answer, i am livid.

i was very saddened to see this new on my support group.

i cannot imagine what i would have felt if i saw it myself.

if i was pregnant when it aired. if i was having those fears and here a tv show trivialized them.

apparently, someone didn't do their research.

we want to get awareness out there. many people probably heard that word for the first time tonight.

and here they will go on not knowing that the show was wrong.

they won't know that these babies are blessings. that they are nothing like a houseplant. that they are babies, just like all the "normal" ones.

they are ours, and they deserve all the love in the world.

* i linked to their fb page. if you feel so inclined, pay them a visit, tell them what they did was wrong, tell them about delia, tell them they need to research, tell them anything.

from where i'm standing...

2011-12-06T20:07:00.010-05:00

i see...

new sub-floors.
a little girl with a fluff on her head that likes to "help" build.
floor joists that will hold up her bedroom.
space to dance.
a lot of work done by my husband.
more work done by friends and family.
memories already.
this house becoming our home.
the doorway to our guest bathroom.
dreams of what it will be.

take a picture. list what you see. link up and add your own!

don't forget to grab this button!

and the song that has been stuck in my head...

too cool.

2011-12-06T18:00:00.001-05:00

aunt cori made these leg warmers for eliza's birthday.

she knows she's cool.

she can get them on by herself now too!

tismas tees!

2011-12-03T23:44:00.001-05:00

or Christmas trees for those who don't speak 2 year old!

after a morning of shopping, granddaughter watching, and working on the house, (i will let you figure out who did what) we took a break to pick up our trees!

it was so warm, but we still enjoyed apple cider! after a few pictures and getting the perfect two trees, we went on a buggy ride. lisa and kathy were the horses that pulled us. it was a nice time, can't wait to decorate!

the bff's checking out the trees.

wagon ride excitement!

overjoyed. truly!

dav and whit!

grown up bff's!

nana and papa with three of their grandkids!

my phone took better pics than my camera did today. i think someone got fingerprints all over the lens of my point and shoot. not naming any names!

it's easy to post from my phone too, so i might try to get back to sharing random happenings.

happy december!

delia's book.

2011-11-30T01:14:00.011-05:00

when we were at the hospital the nurses took some pictures of delia for us. we weren't sure lisa, with nilmdts, was going to be able to come back.

when we left the hospital with our beautiful memory box there was a photo album of pictures.

we held on to those pictures so close. especially in the first few weeks. before we had any from our family and friends, and before lisa was done editing.

they were the only ones we had printed of delia.

i slept with them under my pillow. i carried them in my purse everywhere.

eliza loved them! she asked to see them and she would point out "baby peet!" (baby feet)

since they were all we had i didn't want her to get too rough with them.

then i saw an idea on pinterest. a personalized board book.

i knew that was the way to go.

so i wrote a quick book, edited it down to fit, and picked some pictures that fit their size requirements.

it turned out awesome and eliza loves it. she points out all the people and says their names and of course loves to see delia.

you can check out the online proof here.

the quality is very good. i was impressed and already have plans for ordering more!

i had a problem with paypal when i checked out and i emailed the company. their customer service was excellent! the lady was so sweet in her email and when i talked to her later on the phone to pay with my card she gave her sympathies again and told me that it was the sweetest book she read. she went on about how touching it was.

and no, i was not given anything for this. i just love the company and love that the back says "printed in the good old usa"

my wish...

2011-11-29T13:18:00.001-05:00

is that these days of her getting so excited to wear her puppy shirt and a funny hat that i picked out are long.

please stay little.

enough already.

2011-11-21T20:40:00.003-05:00

that's my prayer. haven't You put me/us through enough?

i hate who i'm becoming. i hate being this bitter person. i used to be happy...a lot.

You don't think sexual abuse, our horrible break up, deployments, all the army moves, one miscarriage, one infant loss was enough?

you have to beat me with this too?

why?

if i am honest with myself i know He isn't doing it to hurt me. it wasn't His plan. His plan was for a perfect world, but this side of heaven we won't see that.

we fell. we caused this pain.

but why must i have so much?

i want to blame Him. i'm mad.

a simple question.

2011-11-20T01:18:00.001-05:00

"do you have any other kids?" or in the case today (said to eliza) "do you have any brothers or sisters?"

james and i have talked about that question. especially after losing delia. how would we answer it if/when someone asks.

"um...erm...well, yes...uh not with us. they're, well, in heaven."

that would make anyone feel uncomfortable. we didn't want to throw people off and make them feel like they asked the wrong thing, but we didn't want to discount our babies. we felt guilty for leaving them out.

james said something along the lines of "if you answer with confidence i think people will be okay with it. it's if you stumble that would make it awkward."

so i practiced. in my head. "yes. two in heaven." "yes, but not with us." "only her here on earth." "her and two angel babies."

i hadn't been asked yet. i was waiting. i knew it was bound to happen.

then today, the day after we had an unfortunate ultrasound with pebble, eliza gets asks. how does she answer? with a confident "yes!"

phew, dodged that one.

until the cashier looked at me like "does she really?"

"um...well, yes. the others are just in heaven. she, uh...lost a sister. this august. and, well...yea...that's her sister."

i couldn't get out of there fast enough. i appreciated the "i'm sorry. i haven't experienced that, but i saw my mom go through it" reply, but i needed out.

why today? why? as i'm picking up stuff to for what i'm going through losing pebble. i have to face that question for the first time?

thanks God.

another loss.

2011-11-20T00:34:00.003-05:00

or so it seems.

started spotting this week. had a postpartum appointment on friday. ended up being a prenatal appointment.

they did an ultrasound and it looks like a blighted ovum (empty gestational sac)

i have to go back on the 29th to see if any growth happened. i might be earlier than i thought, but i doubt it.

i think it's happening.

i told people i'm more annoyed and mad than i am sad.

i don't understand. a friend's prayer, and mine, has been "what the hell God?"

seriously. why? why must we endure another loss? haven't You put us through enough crap?

i'm breaking.

growing up fast.

2011-11-15T23:46:00.007-05:00

it seems like many times in my life i've been "the baby."

i have 3 older brothers.

my first summer at lakeview i was one of the younger ones.

most jobs i held i was the kid amongst the older employees.

various groups of friends i was the little sister type.

it just fit. i was used to it.

each birthday i had i kept thinking "the numbers are going up, but i don't feel older." i felt like i was always stuck in the late 90's early 2000 era. i just didn't feel like i was getting older.

even after living on my own, getting married, buying a house, getting pregnant, miscarrying, having a baby, having a toddler. i still felt like people see me as a young one.

that changed fast.

i feel like i grew up so much this summer.

it wasn't the move from another country. it wasn't buying a (second) house. it was losing her.

that isn't something that happens to people my age.

we shouldn't have to think about burial options.

we shouldn't have to pick up a death certificate.

or meet with the thrivent guy to talk about her life insurance.

we shouldn't have to make these awful decisions.

i remember sitting in the funeral home the day after she came and left. the director was asking us for information for the obituaries. i kept thinking "i shouldn't be answering this. this is something adults do. i am not an adult. my mom should be here. she knows the answers. i am NOT an adult."

but i am. 28 years, but it wasn't until that week this summer that it hit.

i'm an adult.

there are adult decisions to be made. there are great losses to bear. silver hairs to wrinkle my nose at. children to love. children to miss.

fighter girl.

2011-11-11T20:29:00.003-05:00

james likes to joke around with eliza and he'll tell her to put her dukes up. then they pretend fight. he of course wants her to be tough.

i never shared this video here, but it made us laugh when we saw delia. it was our last ultrasound before we left korea. my mom was there and got to see her too.

i love how she has her dukes up and that she punches me too. i'll never forget that.

also eliza was the sweetest thing saying "baybee" weird to see her on there. that was just july, but i feel like she's changed so much!

the second video is the only video we have of delia outside. i could watch her all day. i also noticed that my iPod was playing mason jennings. i don't remember putting that on, but i love that i did. i love sharing music with my beans. one of my favorite memories was when she and i were alone in the hospital room and i rocked her and played her songs. so special.

man, i miss her.

the one where i admit i suck as a friend right now.

2011-11-07T19:35:00.003-05:00

it's true.

i cannot keep up with life. yet life as a stay at home mom isn't filled with too much it seems. we have lazy days. too many where we stay in our jammies. more than i'd like to confess to.

i used to be great at keeping in touch.

i was the one person who loved snail mail. i always sent letters, and always replied in a timely fashion.

now? i cannot even keep up with e-mails, messages, wall posts, comments, texts.

i feel like i'm sucking at friendship.

i want you to know how much i appreciate each and every single note.

i am so thankful that you took the time to write me/us.

i'm sorry i haven't replied, or if i have it's been short.

i'm trying to stay afloat.

i feel so disorganized. maybe it's because all of our stuff is everywhere still. we are in limbo. i'm still recovering.

i don't know.

i hate excuses. i just feel awful.

people have been so supportive. way more than i could have imagined.

i thank God for each of you.

praying i can turn this slump around sometime.

i hate being behind. having a full inbox. letting people down.

this sucks.

i wonder what the heck is wrong with me, but at the same time i know.

i'm sad. i need time still.

:breathe:

today...

2011-11-06T21:40:00.003-05:00

i can't stop thinking about her.
was all saints sunday.
pastor read her name. the bell tolled. tears were shed.
her sister carries her book around like it's a prized possession.
i'm remembering the innocence of pregnancy that was taken away 3 years ago tomorrow.
i wished so many times that we could go back to the hospital.
i'm pregnant again.
i'm feeling positive about this baby aka "pebble"
i long to see eliza and her together.
is another day.

all in His plan.

2011-10-26T23:39:00.002-04:00

at my 6 week postpartum appointment my doctor said "and do we want to talk about birth control?"

i smiled and said "nope."

she smiled back and said "well, i'm supposed to tell you in situations like this that you should wait 6 months. that being said...you are adults and you are going to do whatever you want anyway."

i nodded and said "yep. we'll leave it up to Him. we were told to wait three months after the miscarriage and got pregnant that first cycle and that turned out pretty good for us." (thinking of our crazy 2 year old at home)

so...we put it in His hands.

then i got tired. really tired. and i wondered. and i peed on a stick.

and we saw two pink lines.

one faint, but it was there.

i'm shocked. excited. terrified.

we have always shared as soon as we find out. i figure we would tell people if we lost the baby anyway, this way we have more people praying for us.

so pray. pray. pray. pray.

i also got to thinking how crazy it is. with baby, it was one cycle. with eliza it was one cycle. with this one, one cycle.

when i hoped to be pregnant again (before delia) i assumed it would happen right away. that was the pattern thus far.

i wanted 2 under 2. my whole life that is what i dreamed of. kids close in age.

james had to leave and be in the field for those important ;) days.

and God said. "in My time."

then i wanted to be pregnant asap.

and He said. "in My time."

then it happened, but God still had other plans.

the family i had in my head? forever changed.

God sure showed me Who is in control though.

He had a plan for delia. her short life has changed lives. she needed to be. we needed her.

i have to continue to trust.

no matter what the outcome.

i hope she's up there sporting her big sister shirt.

oh those fifs.

2011-10-19T22:30:00.007-04:00

vanessa aka noles wrote about them before. it's been a couple years since then, and we are still going strong.

now, i'm not saying this to discount my irl (in real life) friends. they have been wonderful through everything too. my family, of course has been more than awesome.

there is just something amazing about fifs (freaky internet friends)

they are there. every. single. day.

one was there at the hospital when delia was born. she drove down from michigan to just sit in the waiting room and be there. she never expected to be welcomed into my room, but she had to be there. my family was floored. wait...what? you never met her before?

another one (that lives closer and that i had met before) came to delia's funeral. took time away from her own baby to come and meet mine. to be there for me. to hug me.

they send the most beautiful, thoughtful gifts. send texts. share rainbow pictures. are there all hours of the day (great thing about timezones and night shifts)

(it has a mama bird on the other side. the two eggs/pearls are for baby and delia.)

i still can't get over it.

the ~~scary~~ internet has given me some of the greatest friends! i just wish i could express to them how much they mean to me. what a blessing they have been these last 4 years.

i love you hoars. :) yes. hoars. spelled like that.

still makes me smile.

2011-10-10T14:23:00.002-04:00

at some point after that ultrasound i remember thinking "i'm so bummed i will never be able to show her nana and papa's reaction videos"

it was the best pregnancy announcement and we had it caught on film. after we recorded it and laughed over and over i thought "this kid will love seeing this someday."

i thought of them again today. i hope she's up there laughing as i sit here smiling and watching. remembering a time of innocence and pure joy.

you can see them in this post if you haven't.

awareness.

2011-10-04T14:28:00.004-04:00

here's the thing that really bothers me when people first hear about anencephaly. it's something not said, but you get a feeling.

when told what causes it (low folic acid) you feel them judging you. "well, why didn't you take folic acid?"

i did. i did for months before i peed on that stick.

it's something you struggle with as a mom. that your body failed. you don't need strangers making you feel guilty too.

but you know what? even though i was sick almost everyday of my pregnancy, throwing up pills and wondering why i took them in the first place. all of the important development already occurred before i even knew i was pregnant. when i was still keeping those pills down.

it's not something i could have prevented.

that's why it's hard to know that next time i have to take a prescription of folic acid. one pill equals 12.5 of the otc kind.

why can't we just start with that? would that have prevented it from happening at all?

we are educated today. we know that you should take prenatals. even though we take them, tragic things still happen.

don't judge women and assume that it's something that they did wrong.

it's not, and you just add to their pain.

october 15th is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. we remember all of those babies that were taken from us too soon.

a group of us online have joined together and are trying to raise awareness about anencephaly. i hate that spell check doesn't even recognize it every time i type it.

people need to know.

we combined the colors from pregnancy and infant loss (blue and pink) and neural tube defects (green)

i drew up this awareness ribbon and we want everyone to know what it means. we want word to spread.

anencephaly awareness.

"there is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world."

a due date.

2011-09-28T09:54:00.003-04:00

it doesn't mean a whole lot when you are pregnant. not many people actually have their baby on their due date.

it's a date that sticks with you though.

when i'm pregnant i use that date as a marker. if i see a commercial on tv and it's advertising a movie that comes after that date i think "wow. we will have our baby by then!" "our life will be completely different by that date."

today has been a date i've been dreading.

it reminds me of how much more time we "should" have had together.

james and i were talking the other day. guys are so different from girls, in case you didn't know. i asked him if he still thinks about delia all the time. he said it's been happening less and less. i shouldn't be surprised by that. when i was pregnant with eliza i asked him "do you think about the baby all the time? or the fact that i'm pregnant?" he didn't really. i was surprised since that is ALL i could think about all day long, but i've learned. they are just different and that is okay. that's what makes this whole thing work.

delia is still all i think about. she's on my mind all day. the last few weeks i kept thinking "i should still be pregnant." "i should still feel her." "she should be here."

i felt so empty. we were supposed to have more time.

it's not fair.

yet once again, God reminds me of life in her death.

the date of that ultrasound? my brother's 30th birthday.

my due date? my sister's (in law if you want to be technical) birthday.

that is what i will try to focus on when these two dates roll around. life.

delia does have life in her death. a new life. one far better than these on earth.

and she reminds us in every rainbow she paints. (she's still painting by the way!)

trying. trying to remember that.

now i lay me down to sleep.

2011-09-22T09:51:00.004-04:00

if you know me. you know i love pictures. i take pictures. a lot. mostly of eliza.

at delia's funeral i was anxious to finally be able to take my own pictures of her. i could not stop snapping. it was my chance to photograph my bean.

at the hospital my camera barely came out. i was in the moment and didn't even think of it. that's where i was supposed to be, but i do regret not thinking to video her baptism. or her little cry. or take pictures of our short time with her.

thankfully, someone was there. solely to take pics. (well, i think it starts as that, but she was there for support to as we've become friends) to capture all the little moments.

my ma first told me about now i lay me down to sleep when we were still in korea. i waited until we got back to the states to contact them. i figured we had plenty of time.

little did i know delia would make her debut before we were even able to get our bump pictures.

our ~~photographer~~ friend lisa was on call and drove an hour over to the hospital at 10:00pm. she had a nursing 3 week old girl at home so she was limited on her time she could stay. she told us she could be there until 4am. hopefully delia would come before then.

well, she made it just in time...3:21am.

we are so thankful for all of the pics she took. it's nice to see those moments through another's eyes.

our family was thankful for her too. she sat with them in the waiting room, and they all just went on and on about how wonderful she was. she is!

lisa came back again the next day and took some more posed shots of delia. they are all so beautiful.

i woke up this morning and had an email with a link to a slideshow. it's perfect and something to cherish.

thank God for organizations like 'now i lay me down to sleep' for the photographers who devote their time to preserving memories for ~~strangers~~ friends. what a blessing they are!

go here if you want to see it. you might need some tissues.

her birth story. how i remember it. :)

2011-09-13T13:22:00.001-04:00

extremely long, and personal. once you give birth though, nothing is off limits. you've been warned. :)

so my contractions started sunday night. i timed them and they were pretty irregular but between 4-9 minutes apart. with eliza my water broke and we went to the hospital so this was a whole new thing!

james asked me if was going to be able to sleep and i just shrugged my shoulders.

after soaking in the tub and decorating delia i decided to try to sleep.

i slept pretty well and only woke up a couple times from a few painful contractions.

they were still happening monday morning so i called the doc and they said to keep timing them and if they get closer or to the point that i can't talk or walk to come in. otherwise it was probably false labor and they would check me at my appointment on wednesday. we were scheduled to have an in depth ultrasound and get my fluid levels checked. i had gotten real big in just a couple weeks, my stomach was so tight and we thought i might have too much fluid. it's a common occurrence with anencephaly.

i continued to time them, james went to work for a little bit, our parents got word and they all flipped out and started to drive down. i still swore that we weren't going to end up at the hospital and was annoyed that they all came down before we were at the hospital or knew anything more.

they got here and we just sat around timing contractions all day. i used an app on my phone and at one point i was laying on the couch with my phone on my belly. ma thought the app could feel my contractions and said "it KNOWS when you're having a contraction?!" yes, if i push the start and stop button! :)

around 5:00 i told james i think it was time to go to the hospital to get checked out. the contractions were closer between 3-6 minutes (sometimes 2, rarely 7) they still weren't painful though. with eliza, even though my water broke at home, they never got painful until they gave me pitocin. we looked at the guide on the app and judging by the times i was nearing "phase 2" (keep that in mind)

so we get directions to the hospital (had never been there before) and i'm sure we looked like a couple of dummies walking in. i told the lady at the front desk that i thought i was in labor, and apparently we were supposed enter near the birthing center. we had no clue where that was, and she looked at us like "yea, sure you're in labor."

made it to the birthing center and james tells the nurse "dr. google says we're in phase 2 of labor!" (that was one of my favorite parts. i'm sure they get people in like that, but we were still laughing and in good spirits)

when we walked in james said he thought he saw dr. reed. she was the doc we saw the week before at our first appointment since returning from korea. the doctor that we fought to get tricare to let us see. she had told us there are 5 other docs that could be on call when we go to the hospital. since i was 34 weeks i knew i probably wouldn't have enough appointments before she came to meet all the other doctors. i was super bummed, but somehow it worked out and she was the one there that night. (thanks God!)

they got me into a room to see if i actually was in labor. the tech wanted to hook up a heart monitor but i told her we talked to the doc and we weren't going to have that at all during labor. (it'd be too stressful watching her heart rate and knowing that it could stop at any time) she insisted and tried, but delia kept kicking it and swimming around so she gave up. then the dr. reed came in and said it wasn't necessary anyway.

she checked me and i was 4-5cm. so i was staying. even though i felt i was ready to stay. that was hard to hear. the end was beginning.

august 22nd. that was my grandpa's birthday. i thought "what a good present he will get, a great grandbaby to hold up in heaven." that day just felt right. i was at peace. i was tired, uncomfortable, hurting. even though i knew i was going to lose her i was still excited to meet her. to hold her. to see her. to kiss her. there still came a point the the pregnancy that i was ready.

she asked if i had gotten in to my appointment that week. we were having an ultrasound to check positioning and fluids at that visit. i was bummed i didn't make it to wednesday because they were going to give us lots of pics and a cd of it all. we hadn't really gotten the best pics with any of the ultrasounds.

she pulled in a ultrasound machine and we got to see her once again. she was head down and dr. reed couldn't believe how much fluid i had and how much she was just floating around. she gave us a couple of pics, but it was a crappy machine. she said they'd keep the machine outside my room and we could see her anytime we wanted.

by then it was 7:00pm and time for a nurse change. my sister-in-law's cousin was starting her shift. i know her pretty well (for her being my sister-in-law's cousin) and they asked if i would want her to be my nurse. they said she is willing to, if i want her. thought it would be nice to have a friend by my side, so morgan got to be my nurse and she is/was amazing!

got settled into my room (which happened to be right next door to the friends we are renting our garage apartment from. neighbors at home, neighbors at the hospital. they were there for the birth of their baby girl that morning. small town, that's for sure!) and they opened up a room for all of our family to use as a waiting room. they went above and beyond in so many ways. we couldn't have asked for a better hospital/staff. definitely eased a lot of my worries. it was a very relaxed situation. i didn't have to be hooked up to anything but the contraction monitor. the freedom was nice.

so i sat and visited with people (every single family and friend that were there came into our room. i had no time to relax!) while waiting for things to progress. every time the doc checked me i was still sitting at 5cm.

one time she checked i felt a leak and she said "darn it, i broke one bag" (they wanted to keep my water in tact for as long as possible because it would help dilate since her head wouldn't be able to.) i was confused about "one bag" but she said it was basically one layer. my fluids were so high i had many layers to my sac. we guess it's your body's way of keeping your water from prematurely breaking?

she talked about starting me on pitocin, but she knew i didn't want that. someone asked if i'd consider a c-section. it might give us more time with delia, but i didn't want to go through that. we wanted it all to happen naturally. mostly i didn't want to add more pain to recovery than the emotional pain that was about to come.

after getting checked again, and still no progress, doc stripped my membranes. (holy ow!) it was probably after midnight now? i really have no idea of the times.

i got an epidural at some point and it was amazing. i never got to enjoy mine with eliza! her birth happened too fast. (darn pitocin!)

and because i'm sharing everything i will tell you this funny story. james was in the chair sitting next to me and i gasped and said "something just happened!" he got all worried that something was wrong and asked if needed to call the nurse. i said "i think i just farted." yes, it was THAT good of an epidural. :)

probably around 3am doc came back and said she wanted to break my water, it might help move things along. we were confused since she said she wanted to keep it intact, but i didn't argue. i figured anything is better than pitocin and she knows what she is doing. james wasn't in the room, but i so wish he was for what happened next!

she broke my water and there were (at least) 4 large gushes. it was the weirdest thing. she said there were so many layers to my sac. it felt like my water broke over and over. i watched my belly totally deflate. it was so strange. then the doc told morgan "the bed is overflowing!" seriously, there was so. much. fluid.

i was at a 6 before she broke it, and instantly went to a 7.

a few minutes later morgan said "let me know if you start to feel any pressure" she walked out the door and i turned to james and said "yea, i'm feeling it. can you look? something is happening." i didn't really believe it, since they just broke my water. thought it was still going to take awhile. he looked and said he thought she was close. so we called morgan back in. she checked and called the doc in it was time to push! talk about fast.

pushed twice and she slipped right out at 3:21am. they tossed her up on me and we thought she had already passed. she wasn't moving or making any noise. so still. so tiny. so warm and squishy.

pastor was in there and we asked him to baptize her asap. before the cord was cut, before the placenta, first thing. he stood there and james said he was thinking "do it now!"

he came over, baptized her, and all of a sudden she let out a cry. it was the craziest thing! it had been a few minutes and everyone in the room (as far as i know) thought she was born still. the emotion in the room at that moment, for our little girl was overwhelming. it was by far the best moment of my life. i will never forget the feeling when she cried.

she never opened her eyes, but let out a few more gasps/squeaks. it was so hard to see her like that. getting weaker. i wanted her to hold on, but at the same time i knew the inevitable and i didn't want her to suffer. it was okay to let go. to go home.

our family all came in while i held her and got to peek before she was cleaned up. there were so many of them there. the room was filled with love. all for delia.

the death certificate said she was alive for over an hour, but in reality it was probably less than 20min. we are guessing she passed when everyone was there. the staff was great they just let me hold her, and didn't verify it until they were cleaning her up and measuring her. (for the record she was 2lbs 15oz and 14.5in)

james and i got to dress her after she was cleaned and got her ready for everyone to come in and hold her. she was the tiniest thing and felt so fragile. i had to check her out while we dressed her. look over every part of her. study her. see that butt that brought me so much pain in my ribs. squeeze it. kiss her feet. kiss her all over.

everyone came back in and got their chance with her and it was so bittersweet.

we held her all night, passed her around. the next morning we thought once she left the room that they were going to take her away. we were exhausted from being up for over 24 hours that we said our goodbyes. that was the hardest thing ever. i couldn't let her go. i couldn't have done any of this without james. we held each other up.

turns out she was in the nursery all day until the funeral home came. i felt so bad knowing we could be holding her, but we couldn't bare to say goodbye again. that is a big regret. i'd give anything to hold her now.

the nurses took pics, the photographer came back, and we were reassured that she was being held and not forgotten in the nursery. that was my biggest worry. they changed her into different outfits for pics and our friends that went back there said she had her own little space and was taken care of.

we stayed at the hospital until the funeral home took her and then we were discharged that afternoon. i told james later that i wished she could just stay with the nurses. i knew they would take care of her. i didn't want her to be in a funeral home alone. it's not right. none of it is.

it shouldn't be this way...but it is.

two.

2011-09-12T21:18:00.007-04:00

almost forgot to do this. kept track each month until her first birthday. they are fun to look back on.

(how are her lips always that perfect shade of pink?)

things she likes...
milk.
tangled.
yogurt raisins.
enola. or "wowa" as she says.
swimming.
baths and showers.
blue's clues.
coloring.
babies.
playing outside.
bubbles.
cake. a big change from last year.
throwing fits while getting in her car seat.
saying "thank you." over and over and over.
cousins.
swinging.
music.
riding her bike.
blanket and bunny. still.
friends.

it was a good birthday. time with friends (ours and hers) pics hopefully soon.

for now, her with her cupcake. she blew both of the candles out and was so proud. (i was too!)

one. two. at seven eleven.

2011-09-12T12:14:00.004-04:00

happy birthday eliza june!

i was hoping to use the same clock, but alas it's in our hhg shipment.

also say some extra prayers if you could. my gram passed away yesterday. it was expected and a long time coming. she had been waiting to dance with Jesus. held on long enough to meet delia and now they get to spend eternity together. it's never easy for those left behind though, and i'm not ready to go through the whole funeral thing again so soon.

life can slow down at any time.

her song.

2011-09-07T12:57:00.004-04:00

wanted to share this video my aunt made for delia. we wanted to include "her song" in the service, and this was a nice way to share it.

1 john 4:18 says "there is no fear in love."

we were definitely scared when we got the news, but once we made the decision to carry on, it was mostly filled with love. sure we had our fears about the future, but we (and everyone else) showed her as much love as we could. there was no other way.

she will always be our little girl.

delia jean. from michele rockhill on Vimeo.

password is newbean
song thanks to jack johnson.

i also created a new header and it has one of my favorite pics of delia. wanted to give you a heads up if you use google reader or some other feed.

i am so overwhelmed with the love that has been shown for our sweet delia. it's amazing to think of the impact she had in her short life. thank you for sharing stories, emails, comments, notes...we are blessed by you all.

hopefully soon i will be able to share her birth story and some more pics. she had the best cheeks. so kissable.

one day at a time.

playtime.

2011-09-02T16:42:00.004-04:00

there was a time in my pregnancy with delia that eliza couldn't get enough of her. she kissed her. said "baybee" over and over and just loved on her...most of the time.

then she just stopped. she'd completely ignore us if we talked about the baby. if we asked her where baby sister was she would turn and look the other way. no kisses or even slaps. it was weird, and sort of sad.

but then...in the week leading up to delia's birth eliza melted my heart on three different occasions. (and others in between when she started kissing her again) of course we didn't know that it would be our last few moments with delia here, but it felt like God was telling eliza to do these things. to soak up this time with her sister.

1. she was coloring and put a crayon and piece of paper on my belly while i was laying on the floor. she set it down and said "baybee!"

2. she lifted my shirt and covered my belly in stickers. i was a human sticker book. then she turned and put some on james' belly too. :)

3. she set a teacup on my belly, said "baybee" in that sweet voice. then she climbed up and had a little party.

and my heart exploded.

the night before we went to the hospital i also had a bit of fun with delia. i was in the tub, wishing my doc would just put me on bathrest (is there such a thing? there should be.) james and eliza had dinner together and i just soaked in there and decorated my belly with water drops.

sitting and thinking. completely unaware of what tomorrow would bring. the pain it would bring.

oh, i'm thankful for those little moments though. memories forever.

bringing home delia.

2011-09-01T14:28:00.003-04:00

as soon as we got to st. louis we got the call that delia was ready to be picked up. i hate saying that. she should just be with us.

that was one of the hardest talks/decisions through all of this. neither one of us wanted to have her cremated, but i couldn't stand the thought of her not being home with us.

babies need to be with their mama's. mama's need their babies.

i need to hold her. i need to know she is close.

if only we were bringing her home in a carseat. home to baby toys, a finished nursery, and a jealous big sister.

man i only wish we could have the sibling battles. a gassy baby. the sleepless nights. the pain of nursing.

i'd give anything for all of that.

at least after today our family will be together again. there is no separating us.

leaving town.

2011-08-30T09:47:00.002-04:00

we got the call that my car made it back from korea and is ready to be picked up.

i was so excited to head over to st. louis and pick it up. thought "we need a break." "we can have a little getaway." "this could be fun."

then we started our trip, and the anxiety built.

i know she's not there, but it feels weird to leave her.

it's not right. we didn't leave eliza until late this summer. just shy of her second birthday.

mama's are meant to be with their children.

it's strange not to be. i keep feeling like i need to be doing something. rocking a baby, nursing her, just keeping busy doing mama things.

the first night home i caught myself getting off the couch to go check on her.

i guess that instinct never leaves.

i keep telling myself she's not there. her body may be, but she is not. instead she is everywhere.

she will follow us to st. louis and anywhere else we go in this life.

be still.

last sunday.

2011-08-28T21:59:00.003-04:00

last sunday i was pregnant. uncomfortable. naive. timing contractions. feeling kicks and jabs. oblivious to real pain. praying for more time.

last sunday i didn't know the pain of tuesday morning.

tuesday morning we lost her. we had her. she breathed. and then she was gone.

last tuesday changed our life forever.

we will never be the same.

last tuesday our new life started.

one i wish we never had to live.

painting rainbows.

2011-08-25T11:13:00.003-04:00

indiana. (north, south and in between)
hawaii.
alaska.
georgia.
illinois.
colorado.
texas.
florida.
korea.

i think i got them all recorded.

those are all the places that rainbows were reported. most of them on delia's birth and heaven day.

it started with my aunt posting a pic to my facebook. a rainbow over the farm. it made me so happy to see that God gave her paintbrushes already.

then it spread. everywhere.

my profile was filled with pics and reports of people seeing rainbows (and doubles!) in their town. and also sharing tragic stories of others babies that have passed and had their own turn with the brushes.

all over the united states...then back to our home in korea.

wow.

i also heard she had fun with stars last night. shooting ones just as a friend was praying for her.

she is busy. someone said just like her older sister. :)

we think she is making her rounds and sending thanks to all the people who prayed for her. for us. those very special friends and family. the ones we couldn't go through this without.

it's His promise for us.

i'm so happy He let her paint for us. i'm so happy she did.

we love you sweet delia. keep painting. we're watching.

happy birthday.

2011-08-23T22:20:00.006-04:00

sweet delia jean.

we love you and miss you already.

it's a special day. your birthday on earth, and you were welcomed into your heavenly home.

many arms held you tight here, and anxious ones waiting to greet you there.

you are in good hands. His hands.

your short life had such a big impact.

you are loved.

keep moving.

2011-08-19T15:33:00.002-04:00

after our month stay in lafayette with my parents it was time to head south. james' leave was over and we needed to get settled. we have an offer in on a house, but we are waiting to see if it all goes through and then it will need a bit of work before we can move in.

where does that leave us? "temporary housing" as james is calling it.

we bunked at dav and whit's for a few days. spent many days at the lake and getting cousin time in. then we moved into an apartment above our friend's garage. we'll be staying here until we find our forever home. it's nice to have our own space again.

we are still sharing a room with eliza though, and it's always funny to see who she decides to make get out of bed in the morning. will it be a "i want daddy." or "mama!"

our first shipment of stuff from korea came today. that completely ruined nap time because it was like Christmas all over again. new toys! she even ~~climbed~~ fell out of her pack 'n play when we did try to put her down. no tears, just a "dank you!" when james rushed in to see if she was okay. :)

we got set up with doctors here. that was quite the battle with tricare, but we finally got it sorted out. we feel good about the care we're receiving and look forward to seeing delia again on an ultrasound next week.

thankful for time with family, old friends, and getting to know new ones.

honestly...about cousins and sisters.

2011-07-29T20:26:00.014-04:00

pardon me while i get a little honest.

you should know...

- i have 3 older brothers. two have kids already, the oldest is expecting their first.

- there are currently 6 grandkids on my side of the family. (3 in heaven and 2 still cooking)

- 5 of them are girls. poor levi is all alone waiting for a boy cousin.

- both of my brothers had two girls first.

it's so hard to see little sisters. to know that we should be seeing eliza with delia soon. it makes me so sad. i always wanted a sister. i'm afraid she will never have one here on earth to run around with. to play dress up with. to share a room with. to giggle and squeal with.

to make things even more complicated and hard for me.

my sister-in-law (who also happens to be a best friend of mine) had her first daughter, enola 7 weeks before eliza came. we joke that they are bffs, and will do anything to make sure they grow up that way. we want them to be close.

we were pregnant again together for a few months this time. they didn't find out what they were having and on april 4th were blessed with a second girl, deandra. at that point we didn't know what delia was, and i said "well, now we have to have a girl. i can't imagine having a baby of a different sex as whit"

as you know we found out about delia's condition and her gender on the same day. i was heartbroken. sad for deandra that she wouldn't get to grow up with her bff cousin. that we wouldn't be able to dress them alike. share stories of their growth and quirks.

and another worry of mine. my two oldest nieces, emma and evia (yes, we have a lot of begins with e, ends with a names. and now we moved on to begins with d, ends with a) are old enough that they will remember this. i cried for emma, praying that God would help her understand. she is so sensitive and has experienced death more times than any almost-8 year old should. she is the little mom. she loves her little cousins so much. i wonder how she will handle the news.

oh there are so many things that make this difficult.

to lighten the mood, and because my last post didn't have pics, i'll include some pics of my favorite cousins and sisters.

the first time the little bffs met. october 2009.

girl talk. april 2010

evia, eliza, emma. february 2010

evia and emma. may 2010

eliza and enola. may 2010

flower children. evia, eliza, emma. june 2010

boiler up! enola and eliza. january 2011.

giggles! eliza and enola. march 2011

evia and eliza. march 2011

enola and eliza. july 2011

enola's 2nd birthday. july 2011

stateside.

2011-07-25T21:10:00.003-04:00

as of the 15th/16th we are back in the states.

there is so much to do before delia arrives. hopefully she doesn't come early. that is one of my biggest fears. we still have to find a place to live and also a new doctor and hospital that respects our wishes and we feel comfortable around. we also get to wait on all our stuff to make it back here and pick up our things in storage from our house in georgia.

i hate transitions and this is the worst time to have our lives all tossed about. i just need stability. i need our own bed. i need comforts of home. our home.

with that said it has been nice being close to family. seeing eliza with her cousins and catching up with everyone. thankful to be back here, even more thankful once we are settled.

i really hope these next 9 weeks drag on and she stays in as long as possible. weird to wish that she would stay in and make me way overdue.

delia has been super active and i'm treasuring every kick and punch. we got to see her in action before we left korea too with one more ultrasound. thankful ma got to be there and that we got video of it all. eliza was too sweet saying "baybee! baybee!"

one thing i am not treasuring are these darn braxton hicks. i hate every single one of them. i feel like each one gets me closer to delivery. not only that but they are just uncomfortable! sure wasn't like this last time around, but bending over, chasing and picking up eliza probably doesn't help!

trying to live in the moment and be still.

hello. goodbye.

2011-07-13T07:55:00.002-04:00

to our apartment in viva family.

(eliza june in july of 2010 and 2011)

parts of it (noisy neighbors, annoying washer/dryer combo) were easy to say goodbye to.

but then i got to thinking about all our memories there. it was too much for this pregnant lady to handle. that's where eliza started walking. my first paper lullaby office was here. all delia has known has been this apartment. so many family dinners have taken place there. friends visiting for craft days and game nights.

ah to be overly sentimental.

one more full day before we say goodbye to korea for good.

a sister series.

2011-07-09T09:32:00.004-04:00

keeping busy.

2011-07-06T06:37:00.004-04:00

between all the last minute things to get done before we leave korea, showing nana around, chasing a toddler, getting in all the friend time i can, and growing a baby i've been keeping busy with paper lullaby. trying to wrap up my last few orders. had to take a bit of break until we get back to the states and get settled, but looking forward to it helping keep my mind occupied!

i have been so blessed to have been able to create so many things in the last 10 months. my customers are amazing and have helped me expand so much!

check out a bit of my favorites...

wordless wednesday saturday.

2011-07-02T04:20:00.001-04:00

blur.

2011-06-25T00:02:00.005-04:00

i know it's blurry, but that is how life is lately.

can't we just freeze this moment? one happy toddler, and one kicking baby in my belly?

we found out we'll be heading back to the states mid-july. it's going to be a rush to get everything in order, a loooooong trip home, then a rush to get things settled and feel like home again.

i hate having too many plans all lined up until august. i feel like the time is going to go by even faster, and soon delia will be here...and gone.

:sigh:

freeze.

for the birthday boy.

2011-06-22T11:01:00.000-04:00

i remember making him an obnoxious overly glittered poster for his 17th birthday. 17 reasons i love my james lee.

10 years later and i think of all the more reasons to add to that list.

mostly for being a great husband and father.

also for loving me like he does.

and for putting up with me. :)

i thought to myself after we found out about delia. i am so thankful it's him by my side. i couldn't do this with anyone else.

God definitely knew what he was doing when he sent us to summer camp for the same two weeks to volunteer.

i cannot thank Him enough for giving me james...and giving me him again after we went our separate ways.

he does so much for his girls and i love and admire that.

i just love him.

always.

big sister.

2011-06-13T09:27:00.003-04:00

lately eliza has been super lovey. she just found an interest in dolls. she will carry an armful around, tuck them in, and give more kisses than she gives us!

one day james left work and he kissed me, kissed her and then leaned over, pulled my shirt up and kissed my belly. eliza was watching and ever since, pretty much daily, she will lift my shirt to kiss my belly.

at 21 months she obviously isn't fully aware of what's going on, but if you ask her to give baby sister a kiss she will come over and and kiss her, every single time. one time daddy's belly even got a kiss. (told you, she doesn't fully grasp the concept!)

today we skyped with aunt steph and she spied eliza's american girl bitty baby on the floor. she said "eliza where is your baby?" she made us all smile when she walked right over her doll, came up to me and pulled up my shirt, and started kissing delia.

it was the sweetest thing.

but then she started signing "please" and i think she used her new favorite word "out" and i just laughed. can't help ya there!

of course i had to capture some video of her loving on her baby sister. she will appreciate seeing this some day.

breaks my heart to know she won't have delia by her side every day. i always wanted a sister, and here eliza has one that will only be taken from her way too soon. these moments she won't even remember, but with every sweet thing she does we have one more memory to file away.

the one where i spill.

2011-06-07T06:47:00.005-04:00

so i've been thinking and i hate that the only people that know newbean's name is james (who is at work all day) and eliza (who currently is limited in her english vocab)

i want to say her name all day. i want to talk about her to people. i want to say her name instead of "newbean started kicking a lot this week." "baby sister kept me up last night and i spooned james so he could feel it to, but he was sound asleep."

i want other people to say her name. i want to hear it.

i know in the future we won't hear it everyday. there will come a time that she isn't brought up daily. we don't have forever to speak her name to her.

weird to me how everything is flipped upside down. i didn't want to know the sex, we never shared eliza's name and it was fine. i assumed it would be the same this time too, but i guess that all changes when you find out news like we did.

so feel free to say her name. i want to hear it!

one of the main reasons i hate sharing beforehand is because i don't want/need to hear negative opinions, people are so quick to say them before the baby is actually here. once they're born no one will say "you picked THAT name?!"

so if you don't like it...that's fine! we love it. it's different, but it's her.

as you can see, eliza helped. :)

p.s. yes i know it's a store. and also a sad johnny cash song.

she has a name...

2011-05-29T07:34:00.003-04:00

and it wasn't any of them that i had written on the paper and had eliza pick!

i liked those, but it just wasn't right. so i kept searching and tossing out names to james.

i sent him a few over text and got no response. then i found THE ONE! i wanted to text or call him right away, but i was afraid he wasn't going to answer again thus sealing the fate of that name.

so i waited, and waited and waited. by the time he came home i had it set in my mind. "he's going to love it. he has to. it's her name."

i started off by saying "it's different, but high school james would like it!" :)

by the end of the night after the promise of a good back scratch, he agreed.

she's named! and i want to say it all day long.

we started using her name around eliza and inserting it in her bedtime prayers. nana has already asked eliza to spill the beans. hoping she doesn't randomly start saying it!

air mail love.

2011-05-25T08:42:00.002-04:00

yesterday the cards and packages from home started coming. have i mentioned we are blessed with support?

one special thing that was sent was a prayer shawl from my aunt's church. she wrote us a letter telling us all about the places this shawl went and who prayed over it before it was sent on it's way to us.

i love wrapping myself in it and feeling the warmth.

she also wrote a beautiful letter and this was just one part that brought tears to my eyes, but also made me smile...

"I remember Grandpa Bob telling me when all those young people were killed in an auto accident just down the road from us that God doesn't always want the old dried up flowers - but sometimes takes the first blooms."

bean.

2011-05-22T09:16:00.001-04:00

the one that gets me out of bed each day.

so thankful for all the joy she brings us.

a nice reminder near our kitchen sink.

2011-05-21T07:59:00.000-04:00

her name.

2011-05-20T06:09:00.003-04:00

it was so easy with eliza. i had her name picked out for years. james had a boy's one picked already. so we were set either way.

when we found out we were pregnant again i told him we aren't finding out the sex so we'd have to talk about girl names.

he never took me serious (he's too stubborn to admit that rockhills can in fact make girls) and didn't respond to any name i threw out. except my favorite of all. that one he had an opinion on and it wasn't the one i hoped for.

i continued to randomly throw out names and the best i got was "it's not so bad i guess" or something along those lines.

then he told me we'd just use our boy name. he is also set on only have two kids. i joked "well...what if it's twin girls!" his solution was that they could share the same name. :P it would be eliza and the ______s. (it sounded like a band)

after our 20 week ultrasound when we found out, and discovered that she was a girl, i had to smile. another girl.

it wasn't until a few days later. after the tears were constant and we were able to joke a bit that i said with a BIG smile and an ornery tone "hey babe...guess what? now we get to think of a girl's name!"

i've been trying to come up with the most perfect name. it is so much harder this time. i want it to fit, but not be too cliche. i want to love it as much as i love eliza's.

we have been tossing around a few. pretty set on the middle name, but can't decide on her first. finally james said "just pick one."

aunt steph had suggested that we let eliza "help" so today i wrote all the names on scraps of paper and lined them up. called her over to see which one she reached for first.

well, she pointed to my number one pick first, but then she actually picked up the one james likes.

what am i supposed to make of that?

(and like last time, we're not spilling until she's here. sorry! feel free to add your suggestions though. :)

21 weeks.

2011-05-18T10:40:00.003-04:00

now i dread wednesdays. with eliza my due date was on a wednesday too. they've become something i have looked forward to for awhile now.

last week changed all that...now i dread them. i don't want to be one wednesday closer.

was thinking about this poem my oldest brother wrote right after james and i had our big break up in 2002. joshUA was with me that night and witnessed what i thought would be the worst night of my life. i had never cried so hard. last wednesday blew that out of the water. (sorry babe!)

1.5.02
How could she ever know so much pain
If not for so much love?
Misguided love
For what have You brought her weary heart down this path, Lord?
I can see the hurt in her tear-stained face
She reaches for friends, for love, for You
To find comfort from this dark, endless night
Let her shambled heart find foundation in You
In You alone
For she has given a rose
Only to receive a thorn
Hold her in Your healing hands
- Joshua Vandercar

song of the day.

2011-05-17T07:20:00.003-04:00

an old texas friend shared this with me right after we found out.

the words are too perfect.

i have since listened to it a zillion times.

your hands. jj heller.

new day.

2011-05-16T04:16:00.003-04:00

this past weekend we had a few different barbecues with friends. it was nice to have something to keep us busy and distracted.

i still feel weird going to camp without james. or venturing out without him or a close friend. afraid of catching side glances, hearing something, or just losing it and not being at home.

living on an army post is sort of like being in high school or living in a small town. everyone knows everyone's business and things spread fast.

not saying people won't be kind, but they will talk.

james and i talked soon after we made the decision to carry on with this pregnancy. he said something that i have to keep reminding myself. something similar to "we can't live everyday like we did the day we found out. if we do neither one of us will make it to the end" it's true. we have to be strong now. we can't live in grief for losing her because as of right now...we haven't.

we're trying to get back to our normal. enjoy the time we have. and not worry about tomorrow's (or weeks or months from now) troubles.

i sort of feel like we're in denial, or we'll come across that way. we just found a weird peace and we are enjoying it.

we know that later on our world is going to be completely shaken. i still worry thinking about that day. so scared that i won't be able to pull through it. that is when we are going to need the most support.

so as of today, monday we are back to our routine. we're not dumb, we know there will be hard days or moments, but mostly for eliza's sake we have to carry on. she needs us.

thankful this is happening when the sun is shining. it's much easier to pull myself out of bed knowing we can get outside and get fresh (albeit smelly korean) air.

"love with no fear"

2011-05-14T20:45:00.007-04:00

my best korea friend shared this video on my facebook the other day.

how many times i sang this song to eliza in the last few months. hearing it now though has a whole new meaning.

it's made for newbean.

an update.

2011-05-13T17:34:00.004-04:00

i was so frustrated yesterday. so much i wanted to post about and blogger was broken. i needed to get words/stories out. hopefully most of them will come back to me and i will remember. writing has always been therapeutic for me. :looks at the pile of journals i've kept since 1995:

we went to the doctor yesterday. for those who are unaware my husband is in the army. we are currently living in south korea. needless to say our healthcare is slightly limited.

i was extremely nervous to meet with the doctor. afraid he wouldn't agree or be supportive of our decision.

i could barely get the words out to tell. so afraid of the reaction.

but he couldn't have been more open. what a relief!

there will be many more appointments and discussions in the coming days, weeks, months.

for now we are moving forward with the pregnancy, and yesterday the three of us got to hear that sweet heartbeat again. i seriously could have laid there all day long and listened to it.

such a comforting sound. reassurance that we are making the right choice for our family.

our story...

2011-05-12T00:13:00.001-04:00

we had a new word thrown into our vocabulary yesterday. one we wish we never learned.

anencephaly.

that one word will forever change our lives.

what should have been a joyous day (we hit the 20 week pregnancy mark and had an ultrasound scheduled) turned into one i wish we never had to live.

the morning was rough. life with a toddler, spilled yogurt, rushing out the door, slips and falls, impatience, running late, korea traffic, traffic and more traffic.

we finally arrived only a few minutes late to the hospital down at yongsan, in seoul. we had to make the couple hour drive because our clinic does not perform ultrasounds. checked in, got eliza out of her jammies and ready and anxious to see our precious newbean on the screen. james' first glimpse.

we continue the battle of "we are NOT finding out!" and "well I can find out, you don't have to!"

the cool gel was spread and we got to see our newbean. moving around like crazy, arms waving at the face, thumbsucking, kicking...

measurements were taken. and taken. and taken.

heartbeat was confirmed at 150.

newbean to us, looked perfect.

then the tech left to show the doc some pics. we talked some more about finding out/not finding out. she returned. took some more pics and measurements. left and brought the doctor in. lights went off and he took over. studied the screen. eyebrows shifted. eyes focused.

then he introduced us to that word.

i don't remember exactly what he said, but he explained that the head and brain hadn't fully formed. something was missing. appointments with doctors would need to be made. talks would be had.

i know i asked "but, it's alive?!" yes. it is.

he left and i asked the tech if she could tell us the sex. at this point i wasn't sure we would ever have another glimpse of our newbean. that is one emptiness i struggle with our first baby. i wish i knew what he/she was.

"it looks like, it's a girl."

another little girl. our little girl. growing.

i asked if we could have a picture. i wasn't sure i would want it, but knew i couldn't get that moment back.

many many tears were shed, hugs were given, prayers said over us and we were on our way. the long drive with a cranky toddler who hadn't napped all the way home.

then the real struggle began. we read about what the means. is there any hope? some of the first stats we read were 75% of babies with anecephaly are stillborn. the other 25% live only for a few minutes, hours, maybe days.

we could have surgery now and terminate the pregnancy.

it seemed like the less painful option for us. i had thoughts of "do it right now, before i feel her move. i can't feel her move."

that turned to guilt. i know she is alive. we saw her. she is our baby. God blessed us with her. He trusts us to protect her. we cannot end a life. we are her parents. we have to hold onto her until she's ready to walk with Jesus.

back and forth back and forth. all day, all night. thoughts flew all over the place.

how will this effect eliza? how will i make it another 20ish weeks carrying a baby i know we don't get to keep. i'm not strong enough for this. i can't.

until i woke up for good this morning. many talks, many prayers said through our night by family back home, and i felt a sense of peace.

she is ours. we have to protect her. we GET this time with her. cherish it. cherish her. our newbean.

i know it's going to be hard. i know people won't understand. i know we have a lot of daily struggles to face. satan will creep in. put thoughts in our heads. tell us evil things to try and kick us down.

our faith will get us through. it has to.

it's all we have sometimes, but it's all we need.

(when i write it's just all one continuous thought. i don't reread, i don't rewrite. so if the words are scattered, that's how i'm thinking. i needed to get this out.)

and thank you to all of you who prayed, talked, sent love already. we need it. we can't do this alone. we know the distance was already hard. this is a whole new level. we hold you close and will need to lean on you at times. i am just so thankful that james, eliza and i are together. we will be stronger as a family.

here is a pic of our precious newbean. our little girl.
disclaimer of sorts - know that there are a lot of hard pics to see online. i already wish i could un-see some of them. but everyone of those babies is someone's pride and joy. just proceed with caution if you do read up about it. know that it's very rare. if you are pregnant, don't let this story frighten you. enjoy your pregnancy. hold it close. count your blessings. we are.

yesterday i couldn't see anything in this pic. today, now that i am aware. we can see. we know what it "should" look like. we see something missing. but we also see our beautiful bean. sucking her thumb like her big sister used to. :)

the most beautiful mother's day gift.

2011-05-07T22:32:00.002-04:00

sweet moments with my best girl.

reason to celebrate.

2011-05-02T01:22:00.003-04:00

a re-post from fb.

i called james and he asked if i was celebrating. he was the one i got to hear the news about bin laden from. very fitting.

just a few of the guys we wish we could be celebrating with. so proud of all of them. THIS is why james spent 27 months in afghanistan. man, i'm just so proud.

i could not stop crying tears of joy/pride.

so proud to be an american and an army wife.

wheels on the bus.

2011-05-02T01:18:00.001-04:00

she has the wheels, babies and mama's down. especially the babies. :)

watch for the mama part right at the beginning, then she realizes that i was singing wheels and makes her wheel motion.

and ignore my silly kid singing voice.

easter.

2011-04-25T02:16:00.009-04:00

i know, i fell off the blog world. life gets in the way. life in a good way. :)

eliza, newbean and i are safely back in korea. back where we belong...with james.

we celebrated Jesus' resurrection yesterday. creamed eggs for breakfast, a basket hunt, chapel service in the morning, luncheon after and then i was an easter maker and had three friends come for an traditional ham dinner and great company.

of course we had to get a few family pics squeezed in there to. must remember this time of just the three of us. my rapid growing belly is a constant reminder that our world is about to change in a big way!

not only will newbean arrive, but it's looking like we will be headed stateside for good. where stateside is still up for discussion, but if all goes as planned (ha!) we should be home by the end of the year. we shall see!

i know i've sucked on newbean's page. i hear it from ma all the time. i'm hoping it's a boy and he just won't care. :) this pregnancy has been so different than with eliza. it was hard to do much of anything other than take care of her and keep myself from getting sick. feeling a bit better and getting back into our normal busy routine!

hope you all had a blessed easter!

this moment.

2011-03-11T09:43:00.001-05:00

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

for those not on facebook.

2011-01-30T13:56:00.012-05:00

i made this little announcement the other day...

and these were the reactions from my parents. we called them on skype and didn't have our video going. i wanted to make sure all the sound and video on their end was working. then we had this sign filling the screen when we turned it on.

first we caught mom. she was freaking out because dad wasn't down there. it was a rare day that he slept in.

when he finally woke up this is what we got. grumpy old man who couldn't get the computer to work and thought he was dying from a cough. right after i stopped the video he said "i hope i live to see this baby." he looked/sounded so much like my grandpa!

so many special memories made over skype!

now we are on the other side of things. eliza and i came home for an extended visit and left james back in korea. we are so thankful for technology and that we can see daddy and chat. (a bit hard when chasing a toddler around, but she does like to see him for a sec!)

i am feeling well so far. i am hoping to keep track of everything on the same site i did for eliza. not sure how i'll organize it, but i'll post a link when i do. we are due at the end of september so it will be another long pregnant summer!

love keeps growing more love.

this moment.

2011-01-14T07:50:00.002-05:00

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

would anyone care to translate?

2011-01-09T08:41:00.000-05:00

pigtails and overalls.

2011-01-05T07:38:00.004-05:00

who told her she was big enough to sprout pigtails and walk around in overalls?

stop growing!

today she started giving us kisses whenever we ask. i melt...over and over.

side note - this pic is so eliza. wild, free, crazy, funny, original, happy.

2011.

2010-12-31T10:39:00.005-05:00

it's the new year here in korea!

(she was very mad that i accidentally woke her up. i needed my kiss though! james is working!)

hope you have a great one!

(46 minutes later, sleeping soundly. she fell right back asleep after i woke her up...don't worry!)

sweet Christmas.

2010-12-25T07:42:00.002-05:00

from our side of the world!

pink bunny wins.

2010-12-18T08:43:00.001-05:00

last night eliza we had a new experience. we were up all night with a sick baby. she was running the highest fever of her young life. i was worried because i haven't really had much experience with fevers.

she was miserable. so sad and pathetic. it really broke my heart seeing her that way.

i went in to her room at midnight and she was doing her open close fist thing (meaning "i want that) at the ground below her crib. pink bunny had fallen overboard. i tossed him back in and left with a kiss.

at 2 in the morning she was up screaming again. daddy's turn. he went in and i could hear over the monitor "you are burning up!" he brought her to our room and we snuggled and soothed all night long. mixed that with a couple doses of medicine, a strip down and a few rounds with the thermometer. it made for a long night.

at one point we moved to the (new!) couch and got her some milk to chug. she rested her head on daddy's chest and pulled that pink bunny up to her face. it was the sweetest thing. she carries him (and her blanket) all around. she chew/sucks on them. she drags him around by his already mama mended ears.

i know she was mostly comforted by us, but it was precious to see her hold him tight.

he will be real in no time!

thank you ralf for her pink bunny and the second and third string ones. they happen to be way more pink than the original. :)

so much to say!

2010-12-08T08:19:00.003-05:00

eliza has been rather talkative lately. i know it's only going to better/worse.

currently she says ma-ma, or mom-mom, da-da, hiyo (hello), liza and noooooo (in a sing song voice) i'm sure there are others, but those are the ones we catch a lot.

today though, it was my favorite. she was rambling on and on, then she started laughing while she was talking and looked at me like "isn't that funny ma?!"

i swear she told me a joke.

she is awesome. a funny kid from day one.

always catching up.

2010-11-28T22:36:00.005-05:00

i know it's been awhile...

i've been keeping busy with paper lullaby. (link on the right!)

(slowly) chasing a toddler.

meeting new friends.

playing dr. mario with james.

decorating our apartment and james' bike for Christmas.

staying safe in korea. don't worry about us!

watching her learn something new every day.

loving life.

the one about "the boys."

2010-11-05T08:15:00.009-04:00

one of my favorite bloggers, adventures in babywearing, has 3 boys and a girl. i love reading her entries and seeing pics of her kids. to see their interaction and the stories they make.

always makes me smile and think about "the boys."

first there is this one...

the oldest, joshUA. in my baby book it says one of my first words was "josh?" this one, he wrote a letter to santa before i could write asking him to bring me a doll. he was there the night my world fell apart freshman year of college. thank God he was there! he was also there that november 2008. he taught me everything i should have learned my first semester of algebra in the few hours before my final. he's a math whiz. he once taught me how to drive stick. it didn't stick. he creates his own card games. they are super involved and i am so impressed. he and i were always the single siblings. it was nice to have a buddy! he's a world traveler. he is a missionary. he is one of the greatest musicians i know. i love him.

then there is this one...

my middle brother, luke. he kept the peace between us. he was a senior when i was a freshman in high school and he still hung out with me! he took me to the movies. he'd let me tag along on dates with his long time girlfriend (now wife) he'd buy me a rose when i would help him pick up flowers for her. he usually keept me included. he let me escape to their place in california when i needed a break from life. he gives amazing hugs, and can always crack my back. i love the way he prays. so much i let him do it at our wedding! he (and tammy!) made me an aunt, and a Godmother. he is such a great father! kids love him. he is hilarious, even when he burps. he is fun. i love him.

and finally...

the youngest of my older brothers, david. he and i strongly disliked each other growing up. (just being honest) it wasn't until he moved away that i realized what i missed. we grew closer in college. mostly because of his now wife/my best friend. he witnessed my first tattoo. he was there the summer i stretched. the summer my faith grew stronger than ever. he gave me the chance to meet kasey kahne. he let me escape to their house, and even had a room they let me call mine. (i picked the paint color and everything!) he is a hard worker with a servant heart. he is a great listener. he understands. he also gives great hugs! he became a father 7 weeks before i became a mother. we're in it together! i love him.

all three married the perfect girl. one was like an older sister, one became my best friend, and one was already my best friend. most days i call i want to talk to the girls. they like to give me a hard time. sometimes i just need them.

two are already dads. that was crazy to see. awesome, but crazy. i thought it was so cool, but what is better than seeing them as dads? seeing them as uncles. nothing, nothing compares to that.

that caught me by surprise.

i love watching them with her! i hate that she is missing out on them.

i am missing out on them.

and because they are her honorary uncles...that's a whole other story...

uncle erik at our going away party.

uncle aaron and an itty bitty eliza.

those are "the boys." pretty great don't you think? we are lucky.

she also has an uncle ed and uncle dustin. they just aren't part of the original "boys." :) but we do love them! remind me to share edo's card to eliza sometime.

happy halloween!

2010-10-31T07:59:00.002-04:00

from our little pink bunny!

inspired by her pink bunny.

and just because...

two halloweens. two mama made costumes. let's see how long i can keep this up!

i still love that her onesie was dyed with georgia clay. so fitting for our little peach!

hope you all have a happy and safe one!

ladies and gentlemen...

2010-10-26T07:39:00.003-04:00

i have an announcement (ha! does that take you back ma and dad?!)

we have a walker!

james came home and said something to her like "well, that's it. no more crawling. you are walking for the rest of your life."

i think i saw a little hesitation in her eye, but she just kept on going! :)

she loves to walk out the door, into the elevator and to the car while holding my finger. sometimes she lets go, looks up at me like "i got this."

it takes us quite some time to get where we are going, but it's worth it. to see that proud look on her face as she checks everything out, looks to see if anyone is watching, as she takes it all in.

i just watch her...and take it all in.

paper lullaby.

2010-10-24T06:22:00.004-04:00

for a few years now i've been trying to think of something i could make and use to open a shop. i did a lot of diy stuff for our wedding and really enjoyed it! then came bean and i got even more creative in her nursery. if you know me, then you know i have a love affair with my gocco and all things paper. you also know that my sewing machine and i don't usually get along. sure it's let me make a few random things, but for the most part we have a love/hate relationship.

except when it comes to paper. for some reason it will let me sew paper all day long! i love the look of it too. so much i had aunt steph sew all our programs for the wedding. it's just fun and unexpected "you can sew paper?" "why not?!"

for eliza's birthday i made a huge thing of circle garland. hers i cut out of felt. each individual circle. it was a labor of love! she will appreciate it someday!

then it hit me, "duh! you should use your cricut!" thankfully it's a 220v and one of the few electronic things we brought over here. (oh kitchenaid mixer, we will be reunited someday.)

they are having a craft fair over here at the end of november. mallory and i decided to share a table, and that jump started my want to start a store once again.

so, thanks to facebook for it's ease, tammy for the name (since the one i came up with was taken) ma for sending a ton of craft stuff over, and james for putting up with me taking over the desk (most days) i launched it...and i'm proud.

paper lullaby.

recognize that font?

there is a link on the right hand side, share if you want, and invite your friends! i'm slowly building it as the days go.

p.s. could i have added anymore links to this post? :)

her necklace.

2010-10-08T07:31:00.005-04:00

i have had a ton of people ask me online and in real life about eliza's necklace. no, i'm not a crazy mom who puts jewelry on her 1 year old. it has a purpose!

okay, so i may be crazy, but this necklace kept me sane!

it's a baltic amber teething necklace. i got it from inspired by finn. you can read all about amber and hazelwood jewelry there, or read quick what i usually tell people.

1. no she doesn't chew on it.
2. it's a natural pain reliever.
3. it warms up against the skin and releases some (real technical) acid into the body.
4. the closer to the site of pain the better. people wear bracelets for carpal tunnel and arthritis.
5. the lighter the color the stronger it's supposed to be.
6. yes, she wears it 24/7. we only take it off during her bath. some people feel better wrapping it a couple times around their ankle when they sleep.
7. people said "my baby got teeth in and i didn't even know it."
8. yes, i was skeptical too.
9. then she popped all four front molars in and i only realized by seeing them!
10. she was miserable with teething before this necklace. we used teethers, tylenol, tablets and lots of tears on both our parts.
11. it is said to reduce drool too. she was never a major drooler, but i have noticed a bit of a decrease.

seriously, i cannot recommend these enough! i wish i had it for the 8 other teeth she got. 8 more to go, and they are rough ones, so we'll see how it goes. i'll keep you updated.

come to the crazy side it's comfy over here! :)

p.s. if you become a fan on fb they have a discount code.

and no, i wasn't paid or compensated to say this, i'm just a happy mom who loves this product!

korean food.

2010-10-06T06:50:00.003-04:00

ma wanted me to write a bit about the food here. here is my take, mixed in with a few pics from today. (not related to the food whatsoever)

i've actually only eaten korean food a handful of times since we've been here. james is a bit more experienced when it comes to this. i usually just order what he tells me!

there is a place near his work, a korean canteen. we went there for my first taste of korean food. james and i both got bulgoki and rice. i have had it many times since, but that place remains my favorite. i've gone back on my own and ordered take-out a few times when i ran up there to check the mail. it's so good! according to wikipedia it's "a korean dish that usually consists of marinated barbecued beef, although chicken or pork may also be used." james has also had bulgoki pizza (from pizza hut!) and bulgoki burgers. i like mine just on rice!

the next time we went he ordered chicken and cheese ramen. the cheese part was just a slice of cheese dropped on top! i thought it was a bit too spicy. james loves spicy food. i wasn't a big fan of this. definitely regretted not getting the bulgoki.

of course kimchi is very popular here. there are hundreds of varieties of it. some are good, some are too spicy, some are not so good!

the last time we went out to eat at a korean place james ordered yakimandu. (more commonly known as a pot sticker) i hadn't ordered any over here, and i almost stole all his. they were so good! they are meat and vegetables wrapped in a thin piece of dough. so delicious!

as for the kids...eliza usually eats what we eat, or at least tries it. she's a big fan of rice! we also get her chicken a lot of places. one thing she has become addicted to is banana milk. if i run down and get a little carton from the store in our apartment complex, i'm guaranteed 5-10 minutes of silence while she chugs it!

so far, that's about all we've experienced. we've eaten a lot of american food, some local pizza places, gotten to know the beer, and had one home cooked bulgoki experience. we even own our set of stainless steel chopsticks!

i'm sure i will have more to report home about the longer we stay!

some proud moments.

2010-10-03T23:55:00.004-04:00

in august 2005 i got to witness my first baptism as a Godmother.

evia bug was welcomed into God's family and i'll never forget the feeling that washed over me as the water hit her head. such an amazing thing to experience.

exactly one year ago we brought eliza to the same holy water. seeing it through a parent's eyes? nothing greater. so very proud to have her become a child of God.

and then, just last night, around midnight our time, james and i got to see our nephew kade washed in the Spirit. we are honored to be his Godparents. also thankful for skype for allowing us to be right there.

our view.

ma's view.

one God, three babies, many blessings.

two sides.

2010-09-27T23:28:00.006-04:00

badge code.

2010-09-22T20:07:00.004-04:00

here is the code for the sealed strength badge.

sorry nic, it wouldn't let me leave it in the comment section!

<a href="http://www.sealedstrength.org/"><img src="http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b244/mvanderc/ssbadge2.jpg" alt="sealed strength" width="200" height="65" /><**/a>

remove all the *

i promise my next post will be about something else. :)

one more.

2010-09-22T06:10:00.002-04:00

post about sealed strength. (for now)

i made a badge for blogs that links to the site. see it over there? --->

if you want the code for yours, let me know!

we also now have a donation spot. if you would like to make a monetary donation just click the pay pal button.

thank you for all the encouraging words and support!

we are so excited to see this grow!

email.

2010-09-22T01:16:00.003-04:00

if you or someone you know is a military wife needing support through a deployment email me at

shel@sealedstrength.org

we're in this together!

sealed strength.

2010-09-20T22:05:00.003-04:00

i have been so blessed here in korea. i have found a friend...a good one. they are hard to come by sometimes!

her and i have so many similar interests and passions.

she dreamed up something big, and we both jumped in head first!

i am so proud to be a part of this. thankful for mallory for including me in this adventure. really thankful to God for bringing us here together.

sealed strength.

(you can also find us on facebook!)

twelve.

2010-09-13T00:07:00.005-04:00

things she likes...
making it impossible to get a good picture.
pushing things around the room.
her blanket and bunny.
screaming during diaper changes.
fruit of any kind.
yo gabba gabba. (finally let her watch a bit of tv and this one she's hooked on)
dancing.
crawling around the park.
still growing teeth. (9, 10 and 11 came in without me knowing it, thanks to her amber teething necklace!)
pulling all the books off her shelf.
putting stuff in containers.
showers and baths.
climbing on everything.
getting off the couch face first.
milk. lots of it!
her friend logan.
standing up on her own, but not walking!

busy but fun month! we made some new friends here so eliza and logan have been getting quite a few play dates in. she loves to tease him and steal his blanket, or take his seat. if he sees her she just starts squealing and laughing. such a little girl already! we're no longer nursing. didn't last much longer than 11 months. dropped the night feeding, and then she just stopped asking in the morning. it was so hard for me. definitely growing up! she got 3 more teeth in, but i didn't know she was teething. we tried an amber necklace, a natural pain reliever, and i'd say it works! got a new camera this month, so i was on picture overload! we went down to seoul for labor day and took her to an imax, aquarium, art gallery, wax museum and zoo! she got sick for the first time, had a fever one morning, lots of green snot the last few days. she wasn't into her cake, or any food too much. now we're all sick! she was a pretty happy sick kid though, and she's been extra snuggly! she even slept in my arms a few times! yesterday we celebrated her first birthday with a morning party on oovoo, and a party here that night with our friends. it was a great day! still can't believe she's one!

and all her month pictures. crazy how much they change!

happy birthday eliza june!

2010-09-12T08:37:00.017-04:00

we love you!

we had a great oovoo birthday party this morning, and another one tonight with our friends.

i still have to do her month pictures. they weren't happening today. hopefully i'll post tomorrow! it's been crazy around here!

here are a few shots from our day.

with her picture wall. i had family and friends send us pics and i taped them up to this frame wallpaper.

mama made hat ready for the birthday girl.

officially one!

waiting on the party to start.

party army style. thankful for technology!

her birthday ring that doubles as our advent wreath.

logan has a red chair like this that she always climbs in when we go over there. he got her this one, and she loves it!

what a happy day!

american mom in korea.

2010-09-07T10:51:00.009-04:00

i know i owe you all (whoever still reads this poor excuse for a blog) some korea posts. what our apartment is like, what we've been doing, sites we've seen, food we've eaten, etc. let me know if there is something specific you're interested in.

for now, i'm going to write about what is on my mind most of the time. motherhood.

back in the states i got a few stranger encounters, random pieces of advice and criticism while pregnant and also as a new parent.

nothing compares to here.

i was told that in the korean culture babies are held high. they let children do what they want, and also everyone feels they can take responsibility for them, and take care of them.

we see this a lot! people aren't afraid to take eliza from me. we've joked a couple times about them stealing her. they'll just grab her and walk over to their friends and act like it's no big deal!

there have also been times where people want to feed her. a lady on the train gave her part of her nectarine. this was before she was eating "big people" food. from then on it was like "well, she ate that fine, i suppose she can stop eating baby food!" it was also weird that we didn't really second guess taking food from a stranger.

you can also tell when they don't agree with your parenting. even though there is a language barrier we know they are ridiculing us for...

having her out in the rain without an umbrella. (she won't melt)
not keeping her shaded from the sun. (she has sunscreen on)
keeping her out too late. (she's usually in bed by 7, but some weekends it's later)
tickling her. (she was laughing!)

we have had encounters with all of these situations. my friend mallory was being lectured on the street for not having the shade over her son logan's stroller. the ladies stood there with their umbrella covering him while she pulled the diaper bag off and put the shade up.

i once had a group of pre-teen girls pull eliza out of her stroller to wrap her towel around her better. we had just come from the fountain, and i just tossed her hooded towel on her. they had to make sure she was all bundled up!

protecting her head. very important!

just this past weekend while riding the train i was tickling eliza. she was laughing like crazy! the lady next to me started waving her hand. then she grabbed my side, kind of tickled me, then started waving her finger like "no. don't do that!" later i reached over and was rubbing eliza's foot and the lady straightened up and peered over to see what i was doing!

they sure do love kids here. anytime we go out the kids draw so many people in. i know it's partly because we're american and a walking freak show, but also because they are babies.

new exhibit at the zoo. american babies!
it is fun to see the interaction. i know i can't understand them, but i'm guessing eventually eliza will start to. they just talk to her like korean is her language. she'll pick up!

i'm so thankful for these experiences...even if they have caused some awkward moments!

updates.

2010-08-25T00:49:00.011-04:00

- our hhg (household goods) shipment got here monday. we have started to move and get settled a bit more. they brought it in through the window on a big conveyor. we joked that we had to make sure they didn't send the motorcycle up too! i took some video. figured the boys would like to see it. one day it'll be on vimeo or fb.

- eliza is back in her crib, and mostly loving it. the first night she wasn't so sure, but she's doing better!

- she's been trying to take a few steps. for some reason she only gets her left foot going so she starts to do the splits!
- we made some new friends! one of the guys james works with, his wife, and their 19 month old son. mallory and i get along great, and both just really needed to find each other. they are wonderful people! just got here too, so we'll get to spend two years exploring and hanging out!

- this last weekend we went to "herb island" james got to hang out in a bubble for awhile.

- eliza took it all in from above. do you see her?

- i have fallen in love with my nook. james and adrienne both said it didn't sound like something i'd want. with the move though i've been trying to downsize on "stuff" we had boxes of books that we never unpacked in georgia. i think i'll read more this way too! it's awesome! plus i'm saving trees! :)
- the humidity has been killing us!

- we've been playing at the park a lot. there are a few right near our apartment.

- a couple cute videos of eliza i posted on fb. as always there are tons more on vimeo.

life is good.

eleven.

2010-08-12T02:35:00.005-04:00

things she likes...
throwing toys.
shrieking.
sucking on her fingers.
growing teeth. (well, she doesn't like it, but she sure does it a lot. got 7 and 8 this month!)
music.
dancing.
blueberries.
milk.
reading books. she studies them page by page for quite some time each day.
making it extremely difficult to change her diaper.
standing up in the bathtub.
getting her teeth brushed.
exploring.
walking on her knees while pushing a box around.
emptying boxes.
feeding herself.
opening drawers.
seeing family on skype.
talking on the phone.
swimming.
playgroup.
playing on the kneebouncers website.

this was a bit of a boring month. james was gone for most of it. eliza and i went to playgroup every tuesday. also went to the pool a few times. went on our first picnic and just enjoyed each other's company. mostly. she was teething a few days real bad. she got two more teeth on the bottom bringing the total up to 8. she does real great with real food, and does not like to be fed. she has to do it! she started standing up from a squat without holding onto anything. just waiting for her to get brave enough to take a few steps. i think she still has awhile. her hair is growing, getting thicker and lighter. had a couple people make comments about her blond hair and blue eyes. wouldn't have guessed that a few months ago! she is a bit more cuddly and will let me hold her and rock her, or she sits in my lap while she plays. i wish our rocking chair was here so i can really soak up these last few moments of babyhood and nursing. she is still nursing twice a day. i think the teething messed her up last month. she is doing better, and still enjoying it. often signs for more. trying to get her to say milk, but she just signs more then picks at my nursing tank strap! we still don't have all our stuff here, so she's in the pack 'n play every nap and night. i'm so afraid she's going to figure out how to escape. she holds on and tries to walk up the side! she is growing too fast. cannot believe we only have one more of these monthly photo shoots!

more.

2010-08-05T20:36:00.002-04:00

i was waiting to post these until james got home because i wanted to show them to him. he should be home this afternoon so here you go...

we've been working on a few others, but this one she picked up first. for the first week or so i thought she was just clapping. she never claps, instead she smacks her knees. then one day she was nursing and we were switching sides and i saw her do this. i said "more?!" and she did it again and when i cheered she started smacking her knees! :) sorry eliza! i'll try to be a little more observant!

and two.

2010-08-02T06:06:00.006-04:00

i wasted all my mush on the earlier posts.
but happy 2nd anniversary babe!
this pic makes me smile because it's how i feel right now.
one crazy ride.
maybe some year we'll get to spend the day together again!

8.2.8

a ton more pics are always here.