Wednesday, October 17, 2012

apologizing to your child.

tonight i had to.

only i knew that she wouldn't understand, so instead i wrote her a letter.

she will get it (the letter and the purpose) one day.

i hate that i had to.

so often i am disappointed in the mama i am to her...lately.

i want to go back, but so much has changed.

she's 3. i'm pregnant. my world was ripped apart when we were forced to say goodbye to her sister.

i miss the mama i was.

i want to get back there.

especially since we only have 4 months (ish) until our world changes again.

until it's not just her and i.

i know i will miss these moments, but yet i am missing them now.

i'm afraid she looks at me and thinks "you were such a fun mama once."

i know that's not likely, she is as loyal as maggs at this age, but still.

it's a fear.

and it swamps me with guilt.

pray i can find patience, and find extra happiness, even through the trying times.

i can't lose her too.

and of course i went to the internet for encouragement and answers. came across an article that had a few gems in it...

so, often, moms are dragged back into parenting, by the surviving children.

parents often struggle to be consistently present physically and emotionally for their children.

bereaved parents rebuild their lives because their children need it.

she needs it...she needs me. 

disclaimer - this was a real hard one to write. to put out there, but i am sure there are other moms that feel the same. and i am sure my own mother is freaking out. don't freak...just pray! this is my outlet, i write better than i talk. you know this.


7 comments:

Big Papa said...

Your own Mother is probably sleeping right now as she had a long day with Muffins for Moms enjoying time with grandkids, a daughter-in-law, and a sister.
But I know that she is sleeping peacefully knowing that she had, in my opinion a huge part in raising Michele my Belle into the Mother that I know.

Love you,
Dad

Kelly Pifer said...

I have no words for you, but I have a heart full of prayers. I often feel the same way with my kids and beat myself up because I have no reason not to be fully present. Only those who constantly question their commitment, their value and their actions as a parent are truly good parents.

Kate Meadows said...

You have my heart right now, Shel. We are in the 3s together. How I wish we lived closer! I look up to you so much. What a beautiful woman and Mama you are. And if you weren't, it would be impossible to capture all of those happy darling faces of your little girl, so often looking like she has the time of her life. Love you. Hang in there, sweet friend.

momv said...

shel dad was right, i was sleeping, had i read this last night, i am sure i would not have gotten any sleep! and just laid there praying:) Dear Lord give my baby peace, restore her joy and let her know that she is the best mom she can be!
i love you shel
mom <>< +

an PS to kelly, i too, to this day as a mother of 4 and a grandmother to 9 soon 10 still question myself where i could have been better!!! but the if only's will drive you crazy and at some point you accept who you are... and were, and know that you are forgiven and by the grace of God you move on:)

Kelly Pifer said...

Thank you, Shel's Mom. Those are truly words of wisdom. I try to look more to the things I do right and the laughter and snuggles I get and hope those mean I am doing okay.

Elizabeth said...

I recently spent an evening with my five and half year old son watching family videos of him from 2008. That was before what I have often called my "hell year" (2009) and a lot of hard things that piggy-backed in the years that followed. He commented to me as we were watching, "you were so nice to me then." OUCH. But to be honest, I had had similar thoughts about how easy he was back then, too.

The beautiful redemptive touch is that in this last month, our lives have turned upside down with events I NEVER in my wildest dreams could have imagined. I think both of us have had to face our greatest fears but we are finding Christ to be present and his mercies to be new each morning...and we are deeply enjoying each other and growing a deep affection in the midst of it.

I WILL be praying for you, even though I don't know you. I just discovered your story through weakandloved.com.

Elizabeth said...

One other thing...obviously I don't know the situation, but I would encourage you that it might be worth the spoken apology even if you don't think she can understand. Sometimes they understand more than we realize and even if not, it can be good for US to get in the habit of saying the words so that once they do, we are more used to it.

Just a thought from a Mom who has already had to do LOTS of apologizing...and even had to let her son call her out on the need for an apology at times.

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