Tuesday, April 17, 2012

new kind of hard.

in korea i didn't want to go anywhere without james or tori after that ultrasound.

army wives talk.

i didn't need the whispers or glances.

i wanted to be near family. people who understood.

i was thankful for the few close friends i had there. i found the cards that came with flowers as i was flipping through my bible at bible study tonight.


here it's a different kind of hard.

our church friends know. they have always been wonderful.

then there is everyone else. the workers at hobby lobby, storytime moms, gymnastics instructors, people at the playground, bank tellers...

they are all clueless.

they have no idea that we have another daughter. that i was in the same boat, pregnant with my second. the pain we went through.

i feel like i have this big secret and i hate it.

i want everyone to know, without the awkward talk.

i want her to be here.

i want to struggle with her and eliza.

i want to say her name. outloud. every day.

i want to hear it.

to hear her.

whitney said enola randomly smiled and said "mommy, delia!" on the ride home. it was the first time she talked about her.

i smiled because we hadn't talked about her that day. or read her book.

i smiled because maybe eliza did.


momv said...

the other day when i was with the girls, i told enola she needed to be nice to her sister and that she was very lucky to have her here with her, and then we talked about delia:)
shel i'm so sorry it's so hard.
love mom <>< +

Luke and Tammy said...

Levi said the other day, out of the blue, "I miss Delia." Me too, buddy. We remember your baby girl, even the little ones. :)

nancy said...

I'm listening.


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