Sunday, May 29, 2011

she has a name...

and it wasn't any of them that i had written on the paper and had eliza pick!

i liked those, but it just wasn't right. so i kept searching and tossing out names to james.

i sent him a few over text and got no response. then i found THE ONE! i wanted to text or call him right away, but i was afraid he wasn't going to answer again thus sealing the fate of that name.

so i waited, and waited and waited. by the time he came home i had it set in my mind. "he's going to love it. he has to. it's her name."

i started off by saying "it's different, but high school james would like it!" :)

by the end of the night after the promise of a good back scratch, he agreed.

she's named! and i want to say it all day long.

we started using her name around eliza and inserting it in her bedtime prayers. nana has already asked eliza to spill the beans. hoping she doesn't randomly start saying it!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

air mail love.

yesterday the cards and packages from home started coming. have i mentioned we are blessed with support?

one special thing that was sent was a prayer shawl from my aunt's church. she wrote us a letter telling us all about the places this shawl went and who prayed over it before it was sent on it's way to us.

i love wrapping myself in it and feeling the warmth.

she also wrote a beautiful letter and this was just one part that brought tears to my eyes, but also made me smile...

"I remember Grandpa Bob telling me when all those young people were killed in an auto accident just down the road from us that God doesn't always want the old dried up flowers - but sometimes takes the first blooms."

Sunday, May 22, 2011


the one that gets me out of bed each day.

so thankful for all the joy she brings us.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

a nice reminder near our kitchen sink.

Friday, May 20, 2011

her name.

it was so easy with eliza. i had her name picked out for years. james had a boy's one picked already. so we were set either way.

when we found out we were pregnant again i told him we aren't finding out the sex so we'd have to talk about girl names.

he never took me serious (he's too stubborn to admit that rockhills can in fact make girls) and didn't respond to any name i threw out. except my favorite of all. that one he had an opinion on and it wasn't the one i hoped for.

i continued to randomly throw out names and the best i got was "it's not so bad i guess" or something along those lines.

then he told me we'd just use our boy name. he is also set on only have two kids. i joked "well...what if it's twin girls!" his solution was that they could share the same name. :P it would be eliza and the ______s. (it sounded like a band)

after our 20 week ultrasound when we found out, and discovered that she was a girl, i had to smile. another girl.

it wasn't until a few days later. after the tears were constant and we were able to joke a bit that i said with a BIG smile and an ornery tone "hey babe...guess what? now we get to think of a girl's name!"

i've been trying to come up with the most perfect name. it is so much harder this time. i want it to fit, but not be too cliche. i want to love it as much as i love eliza's.

we have been tossing around a few. pretty set on the middle name, but can't decide on her first. finally james said "just pick one."

aunt steph had suggested that we let eliza "help" so today i wrote all the names on scraps of paper and lined them up. called her over to see which one she reached for first.

well, she pointed to my number one pick first, but then she actually picked up the one james likes.

what am i supposed to make of that?

(and like last time, we're not spilling until she's here. sorry! feel free to add your suggestions though. :)

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

21 weeks.

now i dread wednesdays. with eliza my due date was on a wednesday too. they've become something i have looked forward to for awhile now.

last week changed all i dread them. i don't want to be one wednesday closer.

was thinking about this poem my oldest brother wrote right after james and i had our big break up in 2002. joshUA was with me that night and witnessed what i thought would be the worst night of my life. i had never cried so hard. last wednesday blew that out of the water. (sorry babe!)

How could she ever know so much pain
If not for so much love?
Misguided love
For what have You brought her weary heart down this path, Lord?
I can see the hurt in her tear-stained face
She reaches for friends, for love, for You
To find comfort from this dark, endless night
Let her shambled heart find foundation in You
In You alone
For she has given a rose
Only to receive a thorn
Hold her in Your healing hands
- Joshua Vandercar

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

song of the day.

an old texas friend shared this with me right after we found out.

the words are too perfect.

i have since listened to it a zillion times.

your hands. jj heller.

Monday, May 16, 2011

new day.

this past weekend we had a few different barbecues with friends. it was nice to have something to keep us busy and distracted.

i still feel weird going to camp without james. or venturing out without him or a close friend. afraid of catching side glances, hearing something, or just losing it and not being at home.

living on an army post is sort of like being in high school or living in a small town. everyone knows everyone's business and things spread fast.

not saying people won't be kind, but they will talk.

james and i talked soon after we made the decision to carry on with this pregnancy. he said something that i have to keep reminding myself. something similar to "we can't live everyday like we did the day we found out. if we do neither one of us will make it to the end" it's true. we have to be strong now. we can't live in grief for losing her because as of right now...we haven't.

we're trying to get back to our normal. enjoy the time we have. and not worry about tomorrow's (or weeks or months from now) troubles.

i sort of feel like we're in denial, or we'll come across that way. we just found a weird peace and we are enjoying it.

we know that later on our world is going to be completely shaken. i still worry thinking about that day. so scared that i won't be able to pull through it. that is when we are going to need the most support.

so as of today, monday we are back to our routine. we're not dumb, we know there will be hard days or moments, but mostly for eliza's sake we have to carry on. she needs us.

thankful this is happening when the sun is shining. it's much easier to pull myself out of bed knowing we can get outside and get fresh (albeit smelly korean) air.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

"love with no fear"

my best korea friend shared this video on my facebook the other day.

how many times i sang this song to eliza in the last few months. hearing it now though has a whole new meaning.

it's made for newbean.

Friday, May 13, 2011

an update.

i was so frustrated yesterday. so much i wanted to post about and blogger was broken. i needed to get words/stories out. hopefully most of them will come back to me and i will remember. writing has always been therapeutic for me. :looks at the pile of journals i've kept since 1995:

we went to the doctor yesterday. for those who are unaware my husband is in the army. we are currently living in south korea. needless to say our healthcare is slightly limited.

i was extremely nervous to meet with the doctor. afraid he wouldn't agree or be supportive of our decision.

i could barely get the words out to tell. so afraid of the reaction.

but he couldn't have been more open. what a relief!

there will be many more appointments and discussions in the coming days, weeks, months.

for now we are moving forward with the pregnancy, and yesterday the three of us got to hear that sweet heartbeat again. i seriously could have laid there all day long and listened to it.

such a comforting sound. reassurance that we are making the right choice for our family.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

our story...

we had a new word thrown into our vocabulary yesterday. one we wish we never learned.


that one word will forever change our lives.

what should have been a joyous day (we hit the 20 week pregnancy mark and had an ultrasound scheduled) turned into one i wish we never had to live.

the morning was rough. life with a toddler, spilled yogurt, rushing out the door, slips and falls, impatience, running late, korea traffic, traffic and more traffic.

we finally arrived only a few minutes late to the hospital down at yongsan, in seoul. we had to make the couple hour drive because our clinic does not perform ultrasounds. checked in, got eliza out of her jammies and ready and anxious to see our precious newbean on the screen. james' first glimpse.

we continue the battle of "we are NOT finding out!" and "well I can find out, you don't have to!"

the cool gel was spread and we got to see our newbean. moving around like crazy, arms waving at the face, thumbsucking, kicking...

measurements were taken. and taken. and taken.

heartbeat was confirmed at 150.

newbean to us, looked perfect.

then the tech left to show the doc some pics. we talked some more about finding out/not finding out. she returned. took some more pics and measurements. left and brought the doctor in. lights went off and he took over. studied the screen. eyebrows shifted. eyes focused.

then he introduced us to that word.

i don't remember exactly what he said, but he explained that the head and brain hadn't fully formed. something was missing. appointments with doctors would need to be made. talks would be had.

i know i asked "but, it's alive?!" yes. it is.

he left and i asked the tech if she could tell us the sex. at this point i wasn't sure we would ever have another glimpse of our newbean. that is one emptiness i struggle with our first baby. i wish i knew what he/she was.

"it looks like, it's a girl."

another little girl. our little girl. growing.

i asked if we could have a picture. i wasn't sure i would want it, but knew i couldn't get that moment back.

many many tears were shed, hugs were given, prayers said over us and we were on our way. the long drive with a cranky toddler who hadn't napped all the way home.

then the real struggle began. we read about what the means. is there any hope? some of the first stats we read were 75% of babies with anecephaly are stillborn. the other 25% live only for a few minutes, hours, maybe days.

we could have surgery now and terminate the pregnancy.

it seemed like the less painful option for us. i had thoughts of "do it right now, before i feel her move. i can't feel her move."

that turned to guilt. i know she is alive. we saw her. she is our baby. God blessed us with her. He trusts us to protect her. we cannot end a life. we are her parents. we have to hold onto her until she's ready to walk with Jesus.

back and forth back and forth. all day, all night. thoughts flew all over the place.

how will this effect eliza? how will i make it another 20ish weeks carrying a baby i know we don't get to keep. i'm not strong enough for this. i can't.

until i woke up for good this morning. many talks, many prayers said through our night by family back home, and i felt a sense of peace.

she is ours. we have to protect her. we GET this time with her. cherish it. cherish her. our newbean.

i know it's going to be hard. i know people won't understand. i know we have a lot of daily struggles to face. satan will creep in. put thoughts in our heads. tell us evil things to try and kick us down.

our faith will get us through. it has to.

it's all we have sometimes, but it's all we need.

(when i write it's just all one continuous thought. i don't reread, i don't rewrite. so if the words are scattered, that's how i'm thinking. i needed to get this out.)

and thank you to all of you who prayed, talked, sent love already. we need it. we can't do this alone. we know the distance was already hard. this is a whole new level. we hold you close and will need to lean on you at times. i am just so thankful that james, eliza and i are together. we will be stronger as a family.

here is a pic of our precious newbean. our little girl.
disclaimer of sorts - know that there are a lot of hard pics to see online. i already wish i could un-see some of them. but everyone of those babies is someone's pride and joy. just proceed with caution if you do read up about it. know that it's very rare. if you are pregnant, don't let this story frighten you. enjoy your pregnancy. hold it close. count your blessings. we are.

yesterday i couldn't see anything in this pic. today, now that i am aware. we can see. we know what it "should" look like. we see something missing. but we also see our beautiful bean. sucking her thumb like her big sister used to. :)

Saturday, May 7, 2011

the most beautiful mother's day gift.

sweet moments with my best girl.

Monday, May 2, 2011

reason to celebrate.

a re-post from fb.

i called james and he asked if i was celebrating. he was the one i got to hear the news about bin laden from. very fitting.

just a few of the guys we wish we could be celebrating with. so proud of all of them. THIS is why james spent 27 months in afghanistan. man, i'm just so proud.

i could not stop crying tears of joy/pride.

so proud to be an american and an army wife.

wheels on the bus.

she has the wheels, babies and mama's down. especially the babies. :)

watch for the mama part right at the beginning, then she realizes that i was singing wheels and makes her wheel motion.

and ignore my silly kid singing voice.

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