Thursday, December 8, 2011

slowly getting it.

eliza was 20 months when we found out about delia's anencephaly.

she was there in the room for that ultrasound.

she saw how upset we were. she saw us break.

she was there with us those first few rough days.

i know she was too little to understand, but i always wondered how this would affect her.

she knew something was wrong. she didn't understand the magnitude of it, but she knew.

she was at the hospital the night delia came. proudly wearing her big sister jammies.

she met her. she cried. she wanted nothing to do with her.

she sat in the second row at her sister's funeral.

she talked during the service. especially when uncle joshua played his guitar and sang. pointing at him "dosh! dosh!"

she ran around the church beforehand without a care. it was like she didn't know she was supposed to be sad. her sister was here after all!

she kicked her while we tried to get family pictures.

she joked around, she used a polly pocket as a photo bomb and made her look at the camera.

she kept us smiling.

she waved goodbye and said "bye bye" after the service when we took her up to the cradle to see her sister one last time.

she won't remember those days, but it has to change the way her life is.

after delia passed i noticed she became more affectionate. she picked up on what everyone else was doing.

when her aunt adrienne was looking at delia's photo album and crying eliza went over and put her hand on adrienne's knee and started rubbing it while looking at the pics too.

she had to of seen someone do that earlier.

she also started patting your back when she gives you a hug. it's the sweetest thing.

my mom has asked us often if we think she wonders about her. honestly, we don't. mom has said "do you think she wonders why enola's baby sister lives with her, but hers doesn't?"

i think she's too young to get it.

i know there will come a time when she does though. those will be hard questions to answer.

she hears delia's name every day. there are pictures around, she's in our bedtime prayers, she has her book, we talk about her.

she hands me delia's blanket and says "mommy's." she knows i sleep with it.

she plays with delia's stuffed animals, but knows not to chew on them.

she uses her cradle as a step into our bed.

she will repeat her name, but never had she brought it up on her own.

she's said "baybee" while looking at pictures, but not delia at random. she has asked to see pictures, but it's always "baybee"

i made her a bracelet today. a simple reminder of her sister. while i tied it on i explained the three colors and what they stand for (neural tube defects and infant loss) i told her it was for delia.

she held up her hand and said "fo deewa!"

hours later as we wrestled before bed she fell on the floor, put her hand down to catch herself, noticed the bracelet and said "deewa! deewa!"


she's getting it.


Anonymous said...

So sweet! Delia will always be alive in your hearts! Eliza's, too. She made her a big sister, after all. :) And someday Eliza will understand and be more unafraid and compassionate because Delia lived. Another gift from God all wrapped up in your tiny angel baby.

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