Monday, May 16, 2011

new day.

this past weekend we had a few different barbecues with friends. it was nice to have something to keep us busy and distracted.

i still feel weird going to camp without james. or venturing out without him or a close friend. afraid of catching side glances, hearing something, or just losing it and not being at home.

living on an army post is sort of like being in high school or living in a small town. everyone knows everyone's business and things spread fast.

not saying people won't be kind, but they will talk.

james and i talked soon after we made the decision to carry on with this pregnancy. he said something that i have to keep reminding myself. something similar to "we can't live everyday like we did the day we found out. if we do neither one of us will make it to the end" it's true. we have to be strong now. we can't live in grief for losing her because as of right now...we haven't.

we're trying to get back to our normal. enjoy the time we have. and not worry about tomorrow's (or weeks or months from now) troubles.

i sort of feel like we're in denial, or we'll come across that way. we just found a weird peace and we are enjoying it.

we know that later on our world is going to be completely shaken. i still worry thinking about that day. so scared that i won't be able to pull through it. that is when we are going to need the most support.

so as of today, monday we are back to our routine. we're not dumb, we know there will be hard days or moments, but mostly for eliza's sake we have to carry on. she needs us.

thankful this is happening when the sun is shining. it's much easier to pull myself out of bed knowing we can get outside and get fresh (albeit smelly korean) air.


Denise Zirbel said...

You are amazing people and parents. You do what you need to for you and your family. It doesn't matter what other people think or say and there is no need for you to justify anything to anyone. This is where God has led you and you are handling it with amazing strength and faith even if it doesn't feel that way right now. You deserve the right to enjoy every kick and every move from that sweet little girl. Yes, life will be different and you will pull through, one tiny step at a time. Laughter is incredible medicine, so go ahead and do that, it's o.k. Eliza will thank you for that!

Prayers to you,

Erin said...

You and James are so very wise and strong. I like the thought that right now, she's yours. You're keeping her safe and sound and you should enjoy that. You're an amazing mother.

Luke and Tammy said...

You have perfect perspective. :)

Big Papa said...

Miss NewBean can't help but be a happy little girl with a Mommy and Daddy like you two.

Love you,

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